After reading DR, I am pretty sure my H is in the middle of a MLC. My latest sitch is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2030704#Post2030704 which includes a link to my original thread and the beginning of this mess. What I learned from DR is that patience and time are HUGE when dealing with a MLC. And I went and lost my cool Tuesday and screwed it all up. Totally regret it! Now what?
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
What I learned from DR is that patience and time are HUGE when dealing with a MLC. And I went and lost my cool Tuesday and screwed it all up. Totally regret it! Now what?
Time and patience are definatly biggies when dealing with MLC.
Welcome to the best worst place to be. (nickle)
OP has given you some really good links to read. I would suggest reading the resources and digging into the archives a bit.
I haven't read your other thread yet, but I can tell you that we all lose our cool once in a while.
Especially at the beginning of this.
Time and patience, while important in dealing with the MLCer, are also very important tools in dealing with yourself.
Keep posting and others will be around as well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Take a deep breath. You can't change the past so don't fret over it.
Am I to undertstand H was living somewhere other than your home for the past 8 nmonths?
Where?
And is he moving back to your home now that you are with your parents?
What makes you think he is MLC? You can read the links OP gave you up there to help you decide.
There is a somehwat different approach if you think he is MLC only in that you really don't want to confront or pressure him because, well let's just say it doesn't work.
We focus on YOU here.
The first thing you have to do is detach. Read the detach link.
Take the focus of H.
You are going to want to get all information you can on H or talk or communicate with H.
You need to minimize that for now.
Also read the stages of the LBS. This is for YOU and it doesn't matter if H is MLC or not this is the path you must take.
Others will be along to help.
Read others threads too. Everyone has been where you are.
Last question is there OW ?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
First off, IF you think he is MLC, then read the resources that Pilot posted to you on the symptoms of it...
And then, if you still think so,then try to stay in one area to post, it makes it easier to follow you..
MLC is a different animal then you have ever faced before.
Our focus here is healing and self growth, plus , as you may have seen, we have a little fun on the side.
IF you have to go through this, there is no better place to be than here...There are some really great people here, and we have Gritter too.
You will vacillate between MLC or WAH for quote some time with this.
In the end ? IF you can focus on your own growth and healing, it won't really matter as much. The advice between the two varies, and IF he is MLC, then WA tactics will not work.
Tactics are just that anyway, a trick to manipulate the situation.
That is why it is key for YOU to become you again.
Maybe start with some more info on YOU ?
What are some things that you would like to change about Lisa?
Keep posting, MLC moves a little slower than some of the other areas, and is pretty quiet here on the weekends, especially a Holiday weekend.....
Take care of you and your daughter first....
Read the resources and try to have a great weekend....
As far as what you are feeling about your interaction...Don't think too much about it for now....
Mistakes are only that if you don't learn from them and keep making them over and over again.
So great to see the support - I have a lot of reading ahead of me it looks like!
I'll definitely read more about what defines a MLC, but I thought the chapter on it in DR hit pretty close to home. He suddenly got very into himself - new fancy clothes, fancy restaurants, hanging with new (work) friends who had very different values from our core group of friends, lost 20lbs, fancy new car, bad sleeping habits, obsessed with success at work, pulled away from family and friends. There was an EA that came out at the beginning of all this mess. I believe he ended it right after he fessed up to it - and I really do believe that after checking phone logs and paying attention to how he spent his time. He has been living in an apartment since February. I left for about a month and a half in Dec/Jan and when I came back he tried to stay at home for a few weeks but felt negative feelings creeping in that the counselor said we shouldn't encourage (duh) so he left.
I am a SAHM who definitely lost herself after having DD. I have realized this year to be me and not just a wife or mother. Lost 15lbs, looking pretty good, and I was doing a really good job at GAL. I think once we started our 'all in' approach after the counselor told us to end in, I quit the GAL part and started just clinging to the time H was around. I think losing that focus was part of the reason that I lost my cool this week. One of the things I've already identified that I want to do is get a part time job to get a break from the mom job.
Anyway, I will definitely spend most of tonight reading up on stuff and I'm sure will have more questions and thoughts coming up!
I quit the GAL part and started just clinging to the time H was around. I think losing that focus was part of the reason that I lost my cool this week.
This is why we focus on real changes here.
We focus on finding Lisa.
Your H will see through tactics, changes that are not real.
The first step is detachment. This may seem counterintuituve but believe me it is what needs to happen.
You can't find YOU when you're focused on H and what he's doing or not doing.
Until you have acheived this, every time you open your mouth you confirm you are still the woman he is running away from.
It is as simple as that.
Now...
We start the work on Lisa.
It may be pretty quiet around here this weekend but I will be around so if you have questions/concerns just post them.
Try to enjoy your weekend.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thank God for my DDs early bedtime, I have been devouring the resources and really enjoyed (in a sick way) the MLC for Dummies.
I had my first coaching session with Jody this week and my work is to 'act attractive', basically keep it light, no relationship talk, stay positive. I'm worried that I don't have a lot of opportunities for that given our distance and his work travel beginning tomorrow thru Thursday.
The only contact we have had since I've been back is that his mother is unfortunately really inappropriate when trying to help him and will email him what she thinks is right and what she thinks he should do which obviously pushes him away. He sent me a long winded email asking me to not divulge information to his parents and said that he is about ready to cut them off. I thought the email had a pretty negative tone and why I understand where he was coming from, I was still hurt. I didn't respond and about an hour later he sent a followup email saying he know it wasn't my intention for his mom to start up the crazy emails again.
Now I'm left not knowing what my next move should be. What I would love to do is offer up my parents home as a place for him to stay when he comes up to visit our daughter next weekend...but after reading all of this stuff, I'm guessing that is not the way to go? I am also a little worried that my positive attitude will tick him off given that this is supposed to be 'it'.
Don't worry about how many opportunities you have. Use the ones you do have to the best of your ability. Remember, you also have fewer chances of going "emo" on him too.
As easy as it is to divulge info to others and talk about your sitch, rein yourself in and the sooner you stop, the better. Anything he sees as pressure may have him out the door and down the block. Vent here.
Why offer any arrangements for when he comes to visit? He's a grown man and can take care of himself. I understand, but I wouldn't offer. If he asks, then it is something for you parents to decide, don't you think?
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I am also a little worried that my positive attitude will tick him off given that this is supposed to be 'it'.
Having a positive attitude can be a little daunting at first. For me, aside from the fact I was "faking it", like you I thought I would be sending a message I didn't want to send. As you attitude adjusts over time and does become more positive, it makes it easier for them to be around us. They are well aware of the damage and hurt they have caused.
Even with my "best foot forward", I have never sent the message "everything you did is just fine, I'm great now that you're gone and you don't and never did matter." It's more like, "it is what it is, and I'm strong enough to deal with whatever happens, and compassionate enough to understand how much you hurt too."
It takes time and patience to find your footing. Try not to panic.
