Wow, I just finished the actual confrontation and it did not go as I had thought. I spoke with the OW husband first and let him know. He was upset, as I am I that they were actually having a sexual affair (we knew it was emotional for some time), but agreed to talk to his wife tonight too.
Well my husband came home and I told him we needed to talk. Almost immediately his phone rang and it was her. She probably told him that her husband told her he knew about the affair. Anyway, I told him to give me five minutes to say what I wanted to say and to not interrupt me. I told him I knew about the affair, it needed to stop and if not he needed to be out of the house. I told him when he was out of the house there would be no contact between us except e-mails about visitation for the kids etc. I told him I loved him and I wanted this affair to stop so we could work on us.
He asked how I knew it was sexual and I told him I had seen some of their IMing and saw him say he loves to be inside her and her respond that she loves to have him inside her. He was really quiet. He did try to say that we had problems outside of her and I told him that all of our problems were and are fixable, if he is not involved in an emotional or physical affair with her. He then said he had many things to say but didn't know which ones to say. I asked if any of them were "I am ending the affair and will stop destroying our family and am willing to recommit to working on us"? and he said he wasn't sure.
I totally expected denial, denial, denial and for him to say I love her and we are soul mates and I won't give her up for you. He did ask that if he decided to stay, if I would hold this over him forever. I said no, that once we worked through this affair it would be forgiven, but it was unrealistic for it to be forgotten. He also asked if I hated him, I said no, I loved him but I hated this behavior and the choices he has made. He then said "I should have waited." and I said "what to start having sex with her when you were still married?" and he said yes. Finally I asked if he wanted to say anything else, because once I went to bed I did not want to speak with him again until he had broken off the affair. He said no. I then told him that if he wanted to talk to the OW he needed to leave the house and he agreed.
So. How did I do?
waterbur
Now that...THAT is how a WOMAN deals with her man! I am so happy for you - that you summoned the clarity, the vision, the strength and intellect to approach this like a grown woman should.
At the time it was incredibly difficult. And I still tear up when I look at my left hand and see the impression the ring I have been wearing for 11 years has left. But I am ready to detach, let go. I've been reading the "Letting go" postings on these boards and taking heart from them that this will be the best thing for ME. And if at some point in the future it turns out to be good for the relationship, great, but for now I need some control of myself and this situation.And sitting around waiting for him to change his mind while I play the good wife doesn't sit well with me anymore. Not in a nasty, vindictive way, but in a self preservation way.I have dignity and I'm going to express that now.
I think I will have no problem being upbeat in his presence - I have been doing that since early May when I started DBing. He is going to get a little nasty when I tell him certain things - like I'm not doing your laundry anymore - but I plan on simply saying "that's not what divorced people do" and leave it at that. NO MORE CAKE!!!
I am the president of your fan club! Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Now I just need to draw up the courage to face each day thinking about what is best for me and the kids, not what is most likely to change his mind. Quite a change from what I've been doing.
I also heard from the OW's husband this evening that his wife spent the evening sobbing to him about how sorry she is that she hurt him. Not that she wants to reconcile per se, but that she was obviously upset about her behavior. And that she knows that her friendship with my husband had been destructive to their marriage long before the physical stuff happened. So that was interesting. I didn't speak to my husband this evening so I have no idea what is going on in his mind at this time.
But now I must go back to being detached. Because I truly don't know if I would take him back at this point. His behavior has been horrific (as I'm sure all of you have experienced in your own lives). Guess I won't worry about that unless it happens.
Absolutely do what is best for you and the kids. Remember, if you don't value yourself then no one else will.
Originally Posted By: waterbur
But now I must go back to being detached. Because I truly don't know if I would take him back at this point. His behavior has been horrific (as I'm sure all of you have experienced in your own lives).
This is key. I'm glad to see you recognize the importance of detachment and understand that the choice will be yours if H does want to come back.
Originally Posted By: waterbur
Guess I won't worry about that unless it happens.
Exactly. People used to ask me what I would do if BF came back to me and I told them the same thing. There's no point in wasting time and energy thinking about all the what-ifs. Deal with the present and how to make your future bright on your own.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
So just when I start to detach and stop holding out hope, more comes to me. I just got off the phone with my divorce attorney who had just spoken with my H's attorney. Apparently my H's attorney is extremely pro-marriage, and at some point in time in the past had an affair and his wife took him back. Now he and his wife go around to churches and other groups talking about how to save your marriage. So his attorney is going to talk with my H about what a dumba** he is being, how much he is going to lose by going through with this divorce etc. He's also going to encourage my husband to move out of the house so he can experience the full brunt of what being divorced will feel like.
And our interactions have continued to be confusing. We're trying to act normal in front of the kids, and then as soon as the kids go to bed we go our separate ways. However, he is trying to engineer more time as a family - he is leaving work early tomorrow to come home so we can all go to the movies as a family, then he wants us to take the kids bowling on Saturday, as a family. I told him that he could take the kids to the movies on Friday, and I would take them bowling on Saturday. That we need to spend time with the kids separately. He didn't seem too happy about that.
He's also doing other weird things like cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and loading the kid's breakfast dishes in to the dishwasher, none of which has he ever done before (at least not in recent memory).
Can anyone give me a quick description of "dropping the rope?" I keep seeing that on the boards and it seems like something I should be doing now.
And I went on his computer quickly today to check our finances (Quicken is on his computer) and his instant messenger was open. According to my keystroke program he didn't talk to her via IM last night, but it's like he had it open just in case she decided to log on and contact him.
I know he is going to have to go through the withdrawal process and this is probably part of it, but it pissed me off. Because he did say he was cutting off contact outside of work. Even if he still is pursuing divorce, it pissed me off.
Dropping the rope means letting go of, i.e. not being invested in, the outcome. So you don't base your actions on what type of response you will get from H. You stop analyzing everything H does and focus solely on you and the kids.
Well, he wanted to talk last night and it didn't go that great. Basically he told me that I have been emotionally abusive to him for 10 years and that the pain that I have caused him over the years is probably about equal to the pain that he is causing me right now with his affair and divorce. He didn't go so far as to say that I caused the affair, but it certainly seemed implied.
Which is all BS of course. He never said anything to me - this was all such a shock back in January when he said he was unhappy and wanted out. And every single issue he has brought up in marriage counseling since then I have worked on and made huge improvements. I know intellectually that he is just trying to justify his horrible behavior in any way possible, but it still hurts terribly.
And he still refuses to move out. I am convinced that he needs to be on his own, doing the single dad thing, shopping for his own groceries, etc. before he will realize what he is giving up. So I am going to move out. If this whole divorce does go through I will need to find a new place anyway, so I plan on renting something for a year with the idea I could always break the lease if needed.
Is this a good idea? Or should I continue to live in the same house as him, spending our evenings and nights separately but acting like all is normal around the kids, basically letting him eat cake? My lawyer says as long as we have the custody issues worked out (our friend of the court appointment is Tuesday) it is fine either way.
Ordinarily, I'd be against this, but -- for the reasons you state-- I think it might be a good idea. Just make 500% sure that your atty completely understands the arrangement, and is okay with it.
