Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

i gave the whole story.
when he dropped the d-bomb, it was because he felt i was disrespectful to his parents at christmas.
his parents laid it on thick and said they were afraid of me.
they also told him that they questioned his judgement in marrying me.
i completely ruined christmas for him and his family and he was really angry about that at the time. his parents kept threatening to leave and were constantly telling him that they felt unwelcomed.

it's not the first time they've manipulated him that way.
there was no big fight, no big shouting match between me and my in-laws.
i don't cross that line no matter how much the other person pisses me off. i still have to show some level of respect.
but when his mother cries and exaggerates her claims, he falls for it.
all you ever hear from her is how she cannot live without him. that he is all they have. they don't want to lose him.

his father has said that he and his wife contributed financially to our wedding. and they are looking to get that money back. from who? me? uh .. who asked for his d?

if you think my h is angry, you have no idea how angry i am.

he said that the longer he stayed married to me, he was going to die. heart disease runs in his family and he was afraid he was going to have a heart attack.
he said that he felt a d was the only solution. in order to save himself, he had to hurt the one that he loved.
he may have had chest pains and an elevated bp at the time, but it was due to work stress. even his doctor knew that. but h decided to blame it on me.
fine. after the stressful period at work ended, so did the chest pains and his bp went back to normal.
really, it was the marriage? give me a break.

thanks. i'm really excited too.

i read some of your sitch .. drama, drama, drama.

journaling.
squash night was not bad.
i played very well today. nearly broke my racquet colliding with a newbie though.

i wore cute shorts to play.
the guy from sunday squash league was there - i think he knew i was going to be there.
the new guy made every effort to talk to me. h said he wasn't a very skilled player. and h did not like him. i don't think h noticed the new guy chatting me up.
i ended up playing with h and i showed a lot of improvement in my game. i even surprised myself!

h was very evasive about what he's been up to though.
he mentioned that he had gain some weight recently.
i asked how that could be? and he just shrugged his shoulder.
i know where he was so i didn't press him for answers.
he has been looking a bit porky/flabby lately.
but i still look great!

i ended up leaving before him.

when i talk to him, it's like friends. i brought up the nhl draft and just general weather stuff. it's been really hot in the east coast.

i just need some advice on my interaction.
should i be going dark? or should i ignoring him?
i'm not offering any help or anything. just general chit chat.
am i doing anything wrong? i read that success story about the guy who's wife left him but he continued to be a friend to her. eventually, the friendship brought them back together.
is there anything wrong with that?

i wasn't mean, short, or rude. i didn't watch his games. i watched others play when i wasn't playing. often he makes eye contact with me when he plays with others (as if to say "my teammate sucks") but i totally ignored his eye contact.

can i get some guidance? i'm still working on me. but i need to check in with the vets to make sure i'm on the right path.

btw, i think the new guy is way younger than me. somehow i seem to be attracting the younger guys these days. could be that i look 23. i'm not trying to look younger than i really am. i just look young - no wrinkles, no cellulite, no tummy, and i have the energy level of a twenty-something. i still get carded at the casino.

it's scary being single. it's hard to find the right person.

Did you post that you bought a house when you did it or did you just do it?

Where are you two in the D proceedings?




What would have been a better way to respond to that by you?

Is there any indication/intel of a OW?

Does H approach you to play? Who initiates conversations?

i just did it.


my l is still working on the sep agreement.
i have given him my comments but my l has a very busy practice.
i had to ask recently if my h has filed for d yet.
i really don't know how the whole process works. like when can he file? does the sep agreement have to be done first? i'm bracing for the day that i get served.
i figure h can file any time. it just won't get done until the 1 yr separation is over and then it gets granted. filing just puts it in the queue.
can someone help explain to me what i should be expecting? that way, i'm prepared. sorry if this sounds all negative but i've read a lot of threads lately and not to say that my sitch is unique but i'm not getting a warm and fuzzy feeling on whether i am gaining any ground. i have no idea what i am doing or where i am heading. but d sure sounds like the end goal whether i want it or not. i ask if someone can give me some explanation because i am fogged up and i can't see things right now. and all i get is "he didn't leave you for his mother. but you think so." ok. then help me understand your point of view. i have given my side. i don't mind read. if he is mad at me for not expressing his ll, then ok .. his ll is gifts and pt. he was mad about not getting enough pt. at this point, he won't let me get near him so there is no pt opportunity.
i am frustrated because i feel like i'm going along with his plan. i'm doing the work and doing my own thing, improving myself, being happy, catching the attention of other guys but time is ticking.


the old me would have made a really offensive comment about the way his "new woman" like her men. but i would be assuming that there is a new woman.

i don't know how i could have responded. i didn't know what else to say so i figure i'd say something safe .. like "really? how could that be? is it because of the protein drinks you were consuming to gain weight?" we had both dropped a lot of weight due to the d. so he was on protein drinks to gain weight. all of his gym workouts have stopped and he's turned a bit flabby.

i know you think i'm mind reading but my guess is that he is evasive because he knows how i feel about him and his attachment to his parents. he spent the last two weeks with his parents and during that time, he went on a 1 week cruise with his dad and oinked out on cruise food. also, his mom tends to send him a lot of homemade baking. h has trouble controlling his consumption of her baking - i witnessed this during our m. along with the lack of exercise, i'm not surprised to see him gain all this weight. at the age of 40, your metabolism starts to slow down but his food intake doesn't change.


i still don't think there is.
records are clean and he is either at home or at the squash club.
would there be any reason to hide the OW now? we're no longer together so he doesn't need to hide an A or OW from me.
at the same time, i don't think he would. gucci and others may not agree, but our mutual friends don't believe he would either.
although i have a suspicion that he bought a home in the same area as me.


that's a tough one.
we play in a foursome. and it depends on who the other two players are and what their skill level is. since he is used to playing with me, he knows my style of play and there is little chance of us making mistakes. we've played together for 5 years so we know each other's style/strength.
we played well together yesterday - i improved a lot with practice and i'm stronger now. i got a lot of "good shot" type comments from him. i'm a really good playmaker so i set up a lot of good shots for him. he gets a good workout when he partners up with me and he gets to exercise his power.
he plays with me because he's familiar with me. often when there is a choice, he will play with me rather than against me. he won't risk breaking his racquet or he doesn't want to waste time learning someone else's style of play.
but if i want to play with someone else and play against him, he won't stop me. he'll say it's my choice.

for our final game last night, the new guy came into the lounge and he said "ken, one more game?" ken says sure. new guy says to me "are you in for a game?" i said sure. ken asks h .. you in? h could have said no, i'm done for the night. but he said .. i think i can do one more game. no, i didn't read that in any way.

as for conversation, he usually initiates because i really don't have much to say to him. but every so often, i would say something. nothing too serious.

i dunno .. somehow i still sense some anger/hatred towards me.

Were you disrespectful to his parents?

In your other thread you acknowledged that you felt hurt by something your H said so, "i hurt him back by being ice cold to his parents at Christmas."

Also, "his parents kept threatening to leave and were constantly telling him that they felt unwelcomed."

Can you understand why his parents may have felt unwelcome when you decided to be icy to them to get back at your H?

at the beginning, no.
they were here for two weeks.
the first week was fine. the second week .. things got a bit chilly.
his mother talks to me like i'm four years old. after a week of being treated like a child, i started giving short responses to her questions.

i also got tired of her taking over our home.
the home and christmas tree were designed by me. and she brought so much of my h's childhood christmas ornaments and basically rearranged my tree with everything she brought.
she asked my h if it was okay but she wouldn't ask me.
my h would say that it's okay. but still, nobody would ask me if it was okay.
basically i felt that they erased what i created and made it "theirs". why didn't anybody ask me?
so when i asked why my ornaments were moved to the back of the tree? she'd go crying to my h and say that i was mad at her and that i made her feel unwelcomed. and that i was threatening her. i never made a threat.
i didn't ask in an angry tone. it was just a question.
i got tired of the exaggeration and being accused of being mean. so i just left them in their own world.
if anything, i felt unwelcomed in my own home.
it felt like only the three of them (h, his father, and his mother) were the only people in the house. i was invisible.


yes i can.

gotta run. will continue later.

"his mother talks to me like i'm four years old. after a week of being treated like a child, i started giving short responses to her questions."

So you chose to act like the child she was treating you as?

This does not seem like an effective way to interact with someone.

"i also got tired of her taking over our home."

Losing Control? In your business?

"the home and christmas tree were designed by me. and she brought so much of my h's childhood christmas ornaments and basically rearranged my tree with everything she brought.
she asked my h if it was okay but she wouldn't ask me.
my h would say that it's okay. but still, nobody would ask me if it was okay."

You were acting like a child.. remember.

"basically i felt that they erased what i created and made it "theirs". why didn't anybody ask me?"

So.. your feelings were hurt? Rightfully so.

"so when i asked why my ornaments were moved to the back of the tree? she'd go crying to my h and say that i was mad at her and that i made her feel unwelcomed. and that i was threatening her. i never made a threat."

How did you say it? There is the possibility that she is a big baby.. or a manipulator.

"i got tired of the exaggeration and being accused of being mean. so i just left them in their own world."

So.. after things got "out of hand".. you just walked away?

Yes I see that you described how you said it.. but you defining what you said further in your post (leaving them alone.. being distant.. one word answers..) leaves room for doubt in my mind.

How could this have been handled differently?

Anyway.. sorry I have not been around much. I am keeping up. I have been crazy busy at work and it just finally settled down today. I got your other messages and I will do what I can.

When do you actually get the house?

To quote Randy Pausch:
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the ones telling you they still love you and care. "

all this time, the above quote was stuck in my head.
i figure you dropped my case.

"Your critics are the ones telling you they still love you and care."

In this statement.. he is implying that your "critics" have more faith in you.. than you do.

Your "critics" would not push you.. unless they thought you could do better.

Your "critics" would not post unless they "saw" something you can't.

This stuff.. is hard. And painful. At the end of the day.. you have to want to apply what your learning. You have to understand why you are doing things. This place (DB.com) is proof.. that no matter how you say it.. someone won't get it.

Strive to understand.. how you can apply all these words to your stitch.

Then.. Do Work.