That's ok Tom! You don't have to write anything! Sounds like you have been keeping busy with your kids and that is good! Hope you had a good time going out! I went out with a friend Sat night and it felt weird! For one thing, we were probably the oldest people there and it just wasn't the same as it would have been 15 yrs ago! Will see what happens down the road!
What else are you doing to GAL? Seriously, it really does help!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I'm new on here and have been reading through some posts. (I have not had time to post my story yet.) A few of the things you said struck me, as I've been having the same thoughts. My husband told me recently that he isn't happy (doesn't think he ever has been) and he is no longer in love with me. I know exactly what you mean about not believing it, because there is no way to fake happiness for so long! Although we've been together for a much shorter time than you, I still feel your pain at hearing those words and trying to deal with it.
I read through the post about things not to do...and like you, I've done alot of them! I guess I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I wish I had advice to give, but I'm just as lost and confused right now, so I'll leave that to the others.
Me:24 H:27 M:2 1/2 years/T:5 Separted since 3/17/10 D bomb:5/11/10
I've not been on the boards much - been trying to GAL - for the most part I've been keeping my relationship w two daughters as my top priority. Starting to think about my mountain of debt and the solutions I have to deal with it, and just living w my son in the apartment for now. Yes - I take some strength knowing I'm not alone - which is why I do check back here. Will write more later - just thought I'd check in and say hello.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
The story continues. Its now June - we got seperated in Feb. W has decided to move to Florida to start a new life for awhile and "see how things are" after a year (I knew about this starting in Jan, but thought maybe she'd reconsider). My D11 is going with her, which we agreed upon. I thought about fighting over custody, but thought it would be better for my D11 NOT to be in the middle of a fight - I think she is sad enough. She doesn't want to leave her life here, but she has accepted what her mother is doing and that she will be with her. My in-laws and a few other family members will be very nearby, so there is familiarity and love there for her - and she will always have mine. I will be trying to visit often once she is down there.
My D21 and S24 will be staying with me back in the house - I am moving back to the house this weekend and will be out of apartment. We are behind in mortgage payments and struggling - so its only a matter of time in the house. Its been up for sale since Nov and still no offers - may become a foreclosure at some point - I am fighting the good fight right now to keep the sale a possibility.
My W will head south on about June 24 and I will have my D11 with me in NY until about July 4, when I will fly with her to Florida to drop her off.
Now that its gotten closer - I am dreading the day it comes to say goodbye to D11. Plan is to move to Florida at some point in the future so I can be near her and watch her grow up thru teen years. Have to sell house first, and then find job down there. I also have to make sure my D21 and S24 are settled in some way.
My present job consulting is only thru Sept, so I am working the FL AND NY job boards to keep employed beyond Sept.
You could say I've got a few balls up in the air that I'm juggling, so there are times I feel overwhelmed. I take one day at a time.
Although I have not given up hope for reconciliation, I know its remote possibility now and I know I have to move on with life and make the best of the situation I am in. I keep hope alive in my heart and outwardly, I continue to try to show strength and acceptance.
I didn't think I'd find the strength to last this long, but somehow I did, so I'll find a way to deal with the next chapter.
I have to say that I find this move W will be making to be very selfish, and the anger and resentment I was able to overcome months ago is bubbling up from within me again.
So - game plan is to enjoy my time with the family intact for a few weeks in June, and face the obtacles beyond as they arise - one at a time.
Thats where I am right now - for better or for worse.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Spoke to a financial advisor - and we still have room to sell the house so thats what we're trying to do to walk away with credit not too badly damaged.
Yes - tough to deal with W and D11 moving away, but the more hopeless it looks, the more determined I am to overcome it. I'm looking at it like a challenge - and I'm not going to let it defeat me. I will be communicating with D11 every day until the day comes when I can relocate and be nearby. W may want to date to determine what she wants in life, and encouraging me to do same, but I have no interest in that right now. Focused on fixing as much financially, and with my relations with my kids right now. S24 continues to have issues with prescription drugs and now unemployed - and he is a huge factor in W and D11 going to FL.
I think of all this as step 8 in my Survivor list earlier in my thread - "See the beauty in the situation and in the world around you". As bad as this separation could be - this can be the break W needs to be away from S24 addiction horrors. S24 will be forced to face the world and responsibility once house is sold, if not sooner. D21 is OK and flexible and handling all this quite well. So - maybe we have to go thru this period to have a chance to potentially heal some of it to repair past damage - who knows?
I'm looking at it all to be an optimist and a new beginning, not a pessimist viewing it as an end. And whatever is placed in front me, I'll have to deal with....
Sandi was right early in my thread 6 months ago - the road will be tough - and can I be strong enough to tough it out. I don't know, but I'm not going to give up the fight.......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
W left for FL yesterday - it was hard to watch her drive away from the house and our life together. She kissed my check, hugged me briefly, and said - "see you in two weeks" (that is when I will be taking my D11 down to FL to be with W). It was really hard - but I'm not going to let it defeat me. It was Fathers Day, and I spent it with my two daughters. Went into pool with D11 and also went mini golfing with both daughters later in the day. Cooked dinner and had a sit down meal with them. Made it a good day.
I spoke to my FIL down in FL and he insisted that I stay at their house when I am down there to drop my D11 off in two weeks - made me feel very good - says he doesn't like what's transpired, but accepts it, hopes it changes, but I am the father of his grandchildren and I always will be that to him, so I am always welcome and I would be disrespecting him if I didn't stay whenever I am down there, no matter what his daughter (my W) thinks.
Thinks will be awkward, but for my D11 sake, I will go with the flow - I know the way to get thru all of this is to go on, be strong, act mature, and show "confidence" in the way I handle myself to the world.
Hope all is well out there with everyone else - I haven't been hitting too many other sitch's, just kind of dealing with my own - and I'm doing ok.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom, I haven't checked in on you in a while, and I wanted to say hello. I think you have the right attitude about the long distance separation and all the other "balls in the air", you could come out the otherside better than you ever thought possible. Hang in there, I know it is tough but you will make it.
Originally Posted By: TomLost Love
She kissed my check, hugged me briefly, and said - "see you in two weeks" (that is when I will be taking my D11 down to FL to be with W).
You may not realize this but I remember reading early on in your sitch when she would not even be in the same room with you. Positive step IMO.
Originally Posted By: TomLost Love
It was really hard - but I'm not going to let it defeat me.
That is the attitude that will bring you the happiness in life that you so richly deserve.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Thanks - and yes - I know attitude is the whole key to overcoming all of this adversity. Although I am and have always been very emotional (probably one of my weaknesses), I have always been a positive thinker and projected a positive attitude (one of my strengths I think) so they kind of balance out. Whenever I feel a bit depressed, I catch myself and look to do something to diffuse it, so I remain as positive as possible.
As far as the exchange between W and I when she left - I think a much more telling action will be when I am down there to drop off my D11 and and I leave back for NY for an undetermined time. But - I agree - there wasn't interaction between us at all last 9 months - so maybe that was a tiny step in the right direction - who knows....... I'm not dwelling on it - and am as determined as possible to be strong for me, her, and the kids.
Later all..... hope everyone is doing OK out there.......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010