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You haven't divorce busted his family yet?

You have to do that PRONTO.. get them supporting marriage asap

Allen - I never sat down inlaws for a "this is my plan talk". I did ask father in law to remind H of family values, etc. He did - his parents really gave H hell over this. So much so that they chose to move out of his house. They are supporting the marriage and not their son's behavior.

But, if I choose to expose at workplace I will need to circle back and let them know that this was done out of desire to save the marriage and NOT a desire for revenge. Exposing at workplace is an extreme move and other people around me would need to be educated on how this was the act of a rational wife, not a highly emotional one who flew off the deep end.

So, my daughter called my H during dinner and chatted for a couple mins. Later that night I was making small talk with my daughter and she started talking about daddy. During our conversation, I asked her what daddy said when they talked. Was expecting more small talk and my daughter said "Daddy said [Ow's name] was sitting on his lap." Not sure where she would get this - it seems unreal that my H would actually say this to her, but how could a four and a half year old think this up on her own!!! She recanted, either because she made it up or because she sensed my emotional energy around it. This is the second time I've had a "story" related to OW from her - the first one was when I still only suspected PA and she shared that OW stayed overnight in our house and that she was "opening wine for daddy." Again, she later recanted the story (with daddy present that time). If these things are not true, HOW in the world would my four year old daughter come up with these things to say to me. If they are true, why would she recant (she has a hard time keeping a secret about a bday present). Either way, this situation has to end - it's affecting my daughter and if my H chooses to expose this to her, then I can't also have the added drama of her seeing how badly it hurts me. She's too young for thisto
I think I've done a complete 180 from where I was earlier today. Don't think I'm going to expose at his work because I'm not sure I'm genuine when I tell his parents that I want to save the marriage. I'm embarassed that I don't have the self esteem to just let him go after what he's done to me. You know I try to tell myself that I'm holding on for my daughter. But you know what? That's not true - I'm holding on for myself because I am scared to face a life that looks so different than the one I had imagined. I'm scared of Christmas without my daughter - scared I'll be stuck in the place I moved with my H and without friends and family. And yeah, I'm sad that I had imagined a long life with my husband and a 2-parent household for my daughter and that's gone now. But holding on at this point is harming me and not doing any good. And my emotional trauma related to this is preventing me from being the best mom I can be.

I think if my H comes back because I exposed at his work, he's not going to be the man I want anyways. Exposing at work is really another attempt for me to control a situation that I think I just need to accept the situation as uncontrollable.

You know, if I really, truly let go . . . it could be a really good thing for me to just move on and start the healing process. Or, it could be effective in bringing him back of his own volition and not because I pursued. Either way is better for me, right? And I'm going to let him bear the guilt related to our daughter - I have done my best to be a wonderful mom for her and continue to do that. And at this point I think I might be able to do that best by letting my H go.

How to quit an addiction:
1)must be removed from access to the substance
2) will go through withdrawal
3)must stay away from the substance no matter what
4)after detox, you will no longer be physically addicted, but will have "triggers"
5)must never go back to the substance again

OK this is super simple explanation of how to quit addiction, but here is why I am posting it. AT FIRST your H may not be coming back to you "for the right reasons" BUT AS LONG AS HE STOPS COMMUNICATING WITH OW, he WILL lose his attraction/interest for her, and it you will see him thankful he is with his family.

They say it takes awhile because they have to go through withdrawal from the OP.


My friend whose story I referred to previously said a month after her H ended his A, he was completely over her,disgusted with himself, and was sooo relieved he didn't give up his family.

About exposing at work. Is the goal for HR to step in and split the 2 up? Or is the goal for people to know and then make the A not a secret, and cause "social pressure" because it is unacceptable? Or both?


Marriagebuilders vets are HIGH EXPOSURE and say who cares if the spouse loses their $200,000 annual income, a marriage is way more valuable.

Melody, again, HOW COME you haven't exposed to OW's bf yet? Is it because you don't want OW to have more access to your H? How come OW hasn't left her BF if she is so crazy about your H? And think of this benefit- OW's BF may expose for you!

P.S. You have not lost your H to OW yet. So I don't recommend this:



I CHOSE TO DO that too soon, IMO. I shouldn't have given him away to her so quickly. After he went to her, my only option was "well now he will need to come back on his own."

Does that make sense? I am at peace with this now because I had no way of knowing it was wrong to do what society and people who have never gone through an affair tell you to do. (i.e. kick your H out right away if he has doubts about quitting the A) I mean I couldn't have lived with him openly cheating, but I think I could have done more to try and bust the A before kicking him out.

Thanks Newmama - of course after I posted this last night I spent many more hours on the boards reading other situations and was wavering again. I wish I had this iron clad resolve to just pick a method and stick with it, and I'm a bit upset with myself for going back and forth so much. Where are my guts!??

Why would I expose at work? Embarassment factor, keep them apart, make sure that he didn't see work as a protective environment to cling to through everything. Also because I think he may be staying with a male coworker (who is in a leadership position at the firm and should not be condoning or covering up the A - I bet my H has just told him he has a crazy wife who kicked him out).

Why haven't I contacted BF? Allen suggested not to at one point; not sure it would matter at this point. I honestly doubt she was actually still dating Boyfriend from Jan on - think it was a cover story. So then I ask myself if it is kind to put him through drama over what is probably a finished relationship - feels selfish a bit. But then I don't know for sure, and the answer would certainly give me intel (because in May my H said "yes she came over while you were gone but her BF was with her"). If I expose at work I would call him because I think he deserves a heads up that this is going to circulate his work environment.

Have you spoken with his parents about you exposing at his workplace or are you concerned that they may warn him?

With all this going on at work it may very likely be the case that everyone there knows anyways...

The only thing YOU would be doing is making it public enough that management as to DO something about it...

Okay - Allen, newmama, Pup - help me out here. What do you think of this exposure script:

Dear Ms. ____________________:
My husband ______________ is having an affair with ________________, both of whom work for you. While my husband will likely deny to you that this is true, the following is a sample of his contact with _________________:
-On 6/5, they were at ______________, drinking and kissing at the bar.
-on 5/20, __________ spent the night at my house while I was out of town
-3/5, she spent working hours at our house visiting my husband and playing video games

I know you would want to know this for two reasons: a) there is a rise in sexual harassment suits in the workplace; and b) most reputable accounting firms have policies against scheduling romantically involved individuals to the same jobs because of the inevitable conflict of interest that arises. I would hate to see either of those things happen in your company.
I love my husband and our four year old daughter, and I am doing what I can to keep the marriage together. I hope that you’ll take steps to help protect your company and bring about an end to the affair.
Thank you,
_________

Allen - haven't spoken with his parents about exposing. I think they will try to talk me down. I think it would come off as crossing an inappropriate boundary (I hear your snicker) and I think they would be personally embarrassed because my FIL's old colleagues work at my H's job.

i think I need to do first and explain later if I expose.