Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to tell the kids

I haven't told her I loved her or been in her face about the relationship since at all she told me she was going to file for D on June 5th. I did accept and validate one of her concerns about me being selfish recently, but I only told her I was willing to work on the problems if she changed her mind, but that I appreciated the advice for my own self-growth.

I am only getting in her face about the OM, which I cannot really prove, but there are too many coincidences for it not to be going on.

Detach....detach.....detach......

[And dday step up to the plate with his famed 4x6 in hand ]

Dan,

You confront your wife, REPEATEDLY, DAILY it seems. You confronted her friends. You even have gone so far as to confront YOUR OWN SISTER.

heh, confront your kids yet or did I miss that?

Ehhh, do you live off the old highway and run the Bates Motel? Because you sound like a friggen psychopath! KNOCK IT OFF. EDIT- I wouldn't want you in my room either in the middle of night at this point!

Dan, I chose to reply to you as I thought you had serious hope to turn your situation around quickly. Notice I don't respond too very many Newcomer threads?

You have not listened to, or completely misread everything that has been handed down to you from just about everybody who's answered you. And the bulk of us in this thread, have our spouses back!

You need to calm the eff down, very quickly. And how are you going to explain that little e-mail reply to your sister? You know she's alrady contacted your wife.

Thanks DDay. I appreciate your input. What made you think that I had serious hope to turn this around quickly? I felt like her mind was made up and that is what all of our family and friends are telling me too. Do YOU think I still have a chance or have completely blown it now?

I am not Norman Bates. I am actually a very nice guy, who apparently hasn't treated his wife very nicely in all respects. Although I thought I was giving her everything she wanted, I know we have emotional intimacy and serious communications issues that we need to improve.

I will go back and re-read all of the posts on this thread to try to learn something from them and what I have done wrong. Maybe it is too late, but it has only been 11 days since my first post.

Am I supposed to make this D easy on her? That is what she wants.

I promise to all that I will calm the eff down and not react to anything any more.

I don't believe my sister will tell her what I said.

Was the grocery thing confronting her? I thought that was part of putting on the BGP. Maybe I am just stupid. Should I have just given her money?

I feel like there is some conflicting advice between different posts and the book. Be nice, don't be nice. I don't know.

How do I act when I go home tonight? What if she questions me about this stuff? Say nothing? Just be calm and polite?

I am sorry to have disappointed you all............I really do need your continued support if anyone is still willing to give it.

I don't think confronting her friends is confronting anything. Who in hell are they to you? Going to her girlfriends about things that she does is what, well, girlfriends do. They talk to everyone EXCEPT the person they have the issue with.

Put your proof of the A together, go to her and tell her what you know. Don't ask her. Tell her. Then lay down the boundary. If her meeting another man in a bar is a dealbreaker, tell her so. Whatever your boundary is, let her know. Let her know that if she crosses that boundary, you will step up the pace on the D path.

But stop talking to the besties.

Greek

Aside from the obvious how-not-to-handle things matter, I think that was entirely too much personally-identifying information to be posting on a public forum.

It's when they are so heart strung that THIS is what they think they want.

I am only trying to hopefuly paint a picture for you of how your actions are coming off. LOL, "Norman" was a pretty nice quiet guy too. Right now your wife is looking for anything to validate the direction her mind thinks is the right direction and your emotional over-reactions and quick to jump to conclusion ways are providing far more than enough firepower for her.

You need an emotional check, I know it's not easy. 11 days may very well be too late. I think it only took me about the same to blow stuff way the hell up, been there, done that. Let me ask this, are you drinking during all this? It's a serious question on many grounds.

All you need to do is stand your grounds. Say what you need say, ONCE, and stop beating a dead horse. That's why stuff may seem conflicting to you, yes you were advised to address the possibilty of an A. But not daily. If she wants to go down the same ol beaten path everyday, tell her to go down it alone and go play with your kids or something else productive.

Otherwise, what you ARE doing right now IS making the D easier for her. Very, unbelievably easy.

Thanks for not giving up on me DDay, Greek, 4-more and others.

I have been drinking. Both of us have. It is what we do. The other day she texted me that she was drinking our last beer that she didn't know where it came from. I brought it home from the neighbors the night before, so I stopped and got a 30 pack of beer on the way home. Then drinking at my brother's Bday party, drinking at summerfest. I guess I need to stop all drinking.

I will stop confronting, stop beating dead horses and keep to playing with the kids. I hope I am not too late.

Thanks for your help and I WILL implement these suggestions. No more talking and reacting emotionally.

Thank you for being open about that. That is a huge problem thwarting the problems at hand. Another thing learned from experience.

Cut it out.

You are navigating treacherous, perilous waters. Your future hangs in the balance. Do you REALLY think you can make your way to a good outcome ... with a buzz?

Would you trust MY ADVICE if I told you I had just finished my 4th Manhattan?? He!! no. You wouldn't take the advice (or I hope you wouldn't) of someone who responded to you while loaded!

Same difference.

Cut it out.

Greek

Sorry to post again everyone, and maybe this is obvious to everyone but me, but specifically, what do I do tonight if she starts asking me about the things in her note?

Say nothing?

Say I accept that she wants the M to be over and it is time to move on. I am done with it?

She is saddened and only wants to be happy? I want us to be happy as a family?

What are OM's W's motives? To find the truth?

I am sorry you are so desperate. I am not desperate, I am moving on and this has nothing to do with payback?

Thanks!