(USUALLY)The person the MLCer is boiking is in some respect worse off then they are. They might be good looking, but that isn't always the case. Something is (usually) broken inside, and the MLC can be with them, their new found long lost soulmate ( ) to FIX them...since they haven't yet figured out that they need to fix themselves, and woe be unto the person who suggest that to them.
Light bulb moment!
Thanks, Jack!
When OW had me arrested for sending a nasty email to her, the charges were SO ludicrous, I HAD to hire a lawyer to fight them. Didn't want that idiocy attached to my name. My lawyer said it was the easiest money he every made, poking holes in her charges.
WH was furious and said, "But you said you were guilty! Why fight it?"
And I replied, "Because her charges are BEYOND ridiculous! No attention to detail. So...clean up after her A LOT do you?"
His "deer in the headlights" expression said it all.
OW was about to be thrown out of the PhD program...until WH came along.
It all makes sense now! Thanks, Jack!
Originally Posted By: RLay1100
Compartmentalization?
Hey RLay - here's a fun way to learn about compartmentalization. Play the video in the upper right hand side:
How's this for a Knight in Shining armor affair. Copied from another board:
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this is the way I basically understand, as well as main character who thus unknowingly and unwantedly became a central part of the deceitful casting in the drama playing off behind the scenes. Due to the juicy element of secrecy (the plot in the storyline), the affair is kept alive for some time until normally caught or disclosed (intrigues in the plot) in whatever way and which varies from one affair to the other. Some time ago Dr Bob issued an article in one of this newsletters on this classic triangle that is being formed in all affairs. My shrink also explained this to me, almost in a similar fashion, in the following explanation of the intrinsic dynamics of affairs, but explained in my own way of perceiving how affairs work:
The OW normally lures the WH in by acting as the poor, proverbial damsel in distress. At first by playing on his feelings, being vulnerable and making him feel wanted and special, also stroking his ego endlessly. This makes him feel very strong, needed and good about himself, lifting his spirits tremendously as well as the low feeling he has about himself so as to fill that big void deep inside of him. Both crave external validation so as to make them feel better about themselves. So, if he is susceptible to this tempting trap that she sets for him, a protective feeling towards her is being evoked in him. This is so, because that's the way God made us to be. The difference between the make-up of men and women; for men to instinctively want to protect and provide and to cover her emotionally as well, and the woman in turn to be covered, protected and provided for. OW now feeds him endlessly with an abundance of emotional supply that he so much craves (and gets addicted to) as well as fantasies about, which excites him even more, making it difficult to break free. He in turn basically does the same for her by complimenting her lavishly and thus making her feel adorable, 'loved' and safe. And that is how the story of affairs begin, although in reality being built on a fallacy. By making deposits and withdrawals in and from each other by taking turns, they form an emotional attachment at first, which could quickly develop into a physical affair as well. Very much a matter of availability and accessibility as well. Investing in and feeding on each other's empty needs, those voids inside of them that nobody could actually fill but themselves, therefore mirroring this emptiness inside them respectively to each other. So it becomes a kind of symbiotic attachment where they each 'pay' for what they get from the other. OW has invested a lot, very well knows she has the upperhand at that point in time and now feels she has a claim to fame to the wife's husband, thus becoming a possessive imposter in the marriage. In her disillusioned mind she has earned more right to him than his legal wife. WS who became hooked on OW in essence gave her the authority to feel that way...when he gave himself permission to allow OW into his marriage as the unwelcome, to put it mildly, third party to it.
The dynamics between the two affair partners is actually very similar to the fairytale analogy of the knight in shining armor who rescues his helpless princess. At the same time this bondage between them disturbs the relationship between man and wife, and thus the balance and survival of the marriage system as well as family system as a whole when children are mostly involved, and is being threatened grossly, and which could probably disintegrate in the wake of the affair when out in the open. Therefore the dynamics then quickly change between the WH and his BS...as she all of a sudden becomes the aggressor...in other words the bad 'old' witch! WH's mind is clouded with his OW who dominates his thoughts and back at the ranch the wife just becomes no good and insignificant. Suddenly she irritates the hell out of him and he starts picking fights so as to validate his guilty feelings of engaging in an illicit relationship. WS starts to look pale in his delusional mind and eyes and OW takes over his whole being during the affair. That's the point where they become 'temporarily insane' as Dr Bob refers to it, due to the adrenalin rush provided by surplus excretion of dopamine (the 'good feel' brain chemical). The poor wife can even become ugly to WS, although she usually is more attractive and worthy (as in most cases), even if OW is nothing to look at twice. Yeah, 'love' (which is nothing more than just infatuation that subsides in roundabout 18 months time) does become blind indeed....! So in essence OW who treads on holy ground and has no firm ground to stand on, feels threatened by the wife who, knowingly or unknowingly of the affair, has the first and a legal right on WH. Thus OW would try her utmost to preserve and maintain the equilibrium of the affair that pays of such good interest, and that is fragile, cause it's build on the premise of fantasy and deceit, in order to prevent it from disintegration and is 'fighting' for survival of their affair in order to cap her investment in BS's lawful husband, trying to switch roles with the wife. sThat's why she gets so defensive and oppositional when the 'aggresor/witch' intrudes and feels robbed when BS claims her WS back as she rightfully can, leaving devious OW in most cases alone and with ... nothing but bittersweet memories of something she in the first place had no right to enter into.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
My husband is very infatuated with the young girl, but also seems to be pursuing a woman who he was in a relationship with when I met him. This woman is 40, mother of three teens, and someone he always said he could never fall in love with. So...why is he pursuing his older ex-girlfriend when he feels so "in love" with the 19 year-old?
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
So...why is he pursuing his older ex-girlfriend when he feels so "in love" with the 19 year-old?
Because they're enjoying the ego stroke from one OW so much, they try to get it from as many as possible. After all, they've already broken their marriage vows - what difference if it's one woman or two...or 10?
I saw this same dynamic with my WH. In the midst of his affair with OW, he flew to San Francisco to give a talk and stopped in Denver for a night on the way back to see his mother. When his mom went to bed around 11, he took her car and went to spend the night shift with a girl "he knew from high school" who is an 11-7 nurse at a hospital. He was there until 4 am, laughing and joking with her.
When he told me about this, I thought it was the most insane thing I'd EVER heard - especially since he never mentioned her before. When I quizzed him further, he said, "Relax. She's a dumpy, middle-age woman. You got nothing to worry about."
This was about six months before I found out about his affair. When I was gathering intel and got access to his email, I learned that not only had he and RN dated in high school, they'd been emailing each other for months before that visit. The back and forth dropped dramatically after he saw her. As WH is a fitness nut, guess RN's middle age spread didn't live up to his youthful fantasy...
While the story does demonize OW, it also shows how messed up they are too. Her evilness does not detract from H's responsibility. Maybe he started out as a sucker, he allowed it to continue. I choose to not give any time/energy to OW, whether it is to find forgiveness or compassion, or hate.
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So...how can we get the OW to be the bitch witch in this little drama?
I am confident, since she is so messed up, she will be her own undoing. Her true colors will come out, especially if I am not reacting to the games. Ya know how after a few years the sexy (uncomfortable) nighties find their way to the back of the closet in favor of the warm flannel? Her flannel will come out. The act cannot be maintained for long. Be patient, more patient than her.
That is not to say I do not plant seeds when the opportunity arises. "You seem like a lost soul" "I don't think I have ever seen you so unhappy.?" I had the best opportunity back in April when I had drinks w/H. SHe found out and apparently threw a fit which H turned on me. He was mad I had blabbed about it and it got back to her. That didn't happen! So, I laid out possibilities like she must have followed you, she was just fishing for info, she hacked our email. I, of course never heard what happened but he started expressing concern to me about his email being messed up. Hmmmm.
So, wait for it.... anything you say or do about her will seem vindictive.
My kids speak up tho too. DS13 told me he saw a H2O blaster when they were in Walgreens. The 2 was really small so it looked like HO blaster and DS pointed it out To H. "hey Dad, can I use this on your girlfriend?" H said, "How would like me to talk like that about your girlfriend?" without missing a beat, DS says "my girlfriend didn't break up our family and make you leave me."
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
) to FIX them...since they haven't yet figured out that they need to fix themselves, and woe be unto the person who suggest