Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Still chipping away at EA

I hate being a broken record... so yeah, this is something that is very hard for me to do. But I see yours and Allen's points.



I think after posts of you trying to get this through to me... I finally 'get' it... working on implementing it is going to be the hard thing. Yes living with my H means I fall back into the routine of "living" with my H.. and I can't let that happen when he is still doing things to destroy our family.

I think the hardest thing for me is not interacting with H 'like nothing is going on' when DD is with both of us. I try to keep a 'happy' vibe going because the few times I've instigated the "your destroying the family be your actions" type statements with DD around, it's always turned into a nasty argument and I hate feeling guilty I'm creating that environment. I know I'm not the one causing it, but I'm having a hard time not feeling that way.

EC: I know how difficult it is trying to live with someone throughout this process! It's easier when they aren't around, but at the same time, you want them home because that's the best way to bring about change.

Allen/PDT: I read your comments with interest. I get so confused (as I'm sure EC does too) in terms of "how to act". I don't want to cause tension in the home that the kids will pick up on. On the other hand, you can't act like everything's hunky dory either. DB seems to advocate being nice and trying to "be the better option". Yet, being nice does smack of approval of the situation to me. As I've stated in other threads, that's why I love Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. It helps find the balance. Now personally, if I were to be able to prove an affair, I think I'd have to tell me H to get out! As you know, in my sitch I can't prove anything. SO.... it makes knowing how to act (in terms of the every day/small talk scenerio) that much harder.

Your kids can feel the tension, don't fool yourself into thinking yo can smile and hide it...

My advice is to take yourself AND the kids AWAY from the H as OFTEN as you can ... treat him as if he has a disease adn you don't want your kids to pick it up...

Your H's are both using your kids to get away with their cake eating... It's time to stamp that out and SHOW your spouses that you don't tolerate disrespect

Well, in my case, H does a good job of acting the part of loving family member when kids are around. Of course, having 3 teenagers, they have their own lives and are always going their separate ways anyway. So, often I feel pretty isolated with just having myself to entertain. I will be glad when classes start so I will have more to occupy my time. I don't know if EC feels this way, but if I'm home alone and reading a book (for example), I'm perfectly fine. If H is home and I'm reading a book while he's making sure to basically ignore my existence, I'm reading my book but fuming at the same time (or feeling hurt... or whatever at the moment.)

Of course, I know right now my H couldn't care less how I feel. That's what's so hard.

Yes, I do feel this way from time to time. Now my problem is, though, that H wants to play nice and engage in conversation and, other than being physical with me (which I made clear was absolutely off limits), is basically acting like my old H - with the huge exception of having a 'girlfriend' on the side.

I have to remember that until OW is gone, I have to be consistent in my reactions to him and just because he's acting this way, it doesn't mean he feels anything. He's probably just wanting his home life to be less stressful and thinks acting like everything is ok will achieve that.

And as far as the kids.. my 3 yr doesn't even have to hear us fighting to know we are. She'll rush into the middle and basically act like the "adult" and try to get H and me to talk to her together. Totally unfair to her and I hate that things get that far.

And H asked how she was last night (I woke up when he came home, but made sure DD was already asleep long before he showed up). I told him 'needy'. H said "she's been that way a lot lately." My response: "Children feel insecure when one of their parents disappears, and she knows something is going on, so of COURSE she's going to be needy." I know I probably should've thrown in the part about his actions being the start of it, but I was just a little too out of it to think of that.

SunnyD, I do feel for your sitch and I'm really glad you are going back to school. Have fun and don't let homework get you down too much!

Allen A - I now have intel that, while it was a bitter pill to swallow, was so needed. I know that H and OW are very physical and that they feel they love each other "so deeply" that they are ready to move on and want to figure out how to get me out of the picture because they hate feeling like they have to sneek around, and every little time I look at H, he takes it negatively no matter the reason...

What do I do with this knowledge now?????

And I also gleaned from piecing together the info that OW is afraid I'll contact her Mother or something because she's worried I know the house phone number. Actually - I don't, but they didn't know that.... and I caught a message about how OW is supposed to talk to her M about me... so, what do you think of this also?

And I was able to get H's only really close male friend's cell #, so now I'm busy working on him to help. He says he's told H he disagrees with his actions, but I don't think he's done anything to try to convince him other than just tell him that's how he feels... so.... I'm hoping he'll help convince him to at least work on the marriage and drop OW while he does it.

Expose to OW's mother IMMEDIATELY, before she goes to her and spins a story about you being some crazy woman. Do so calmly, maturely, like the most sensible person on the planet. Ask for her support.

Puppy

I thought that had already happened, and I don't the number. I'll do my best to be finding it now though. Thank you!

Found the number and called asap... now OW is texting H... lol

It was a 36 min phone convo.. don't know if it will really do any good, but we did have a good discussion.... and I almost broke down a couple time but didn't.