Been reading the protection phase... I've been working on a letter for H. I know it's not complete NC because I don't know that I can trust anyone to act as intermediary right now, so how does this sound so far:
Dear H, I love you and am committed to you and our family we created together. I am willing to do whatever we can to work through the hardships our marriage has endured and come out the other side better than we have been before. I want a marriage and family that will bring us both joy.
Your relationship with OW is so painful for me that it is destroying the love and respect I have felt for you for many years. It is creating chaos for me, our daughter and our friends and family. In order to protect myself and our daughter from the pain of your affair and your attempts to destroy our family, I am stepping away from the chaos.
Please respect my wish for no contact (other than email or text when necessary) for as long as you are involved in your affair. When your affair is ended, and you are ready to begin constructively working toward rebuilding our family, please contact me and I will be happy to speak with you.
-elvencat
The only question I have now, though, is that there are several issues that I feel need to be addressed regarding the household and DD... Should I include these items in the bottom of this message? I can post what I've typed up so far if you want to read it, too.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
lol.. not good for business.... when she tried reading me the line about how counseling allows you to see what you really want... blah blah blah.. no wonder H used his IC as a way to justify his actions.
Oh, and btw, his therapist was recommended by OWM!!
Your letter is way too soft given the circumstances
Use the word "infidelity" instead of "realtinship".. you konw its not just an EA now.. time to call a spade a spade
The "please contact me" needs removed too.. This letter is way too gentle in my opinion..
Don't send it yet.. you have to plan how you will DO this no contact thing before you send that...
I will also point out that your H is VERY LIKLEY going to send a copy of the letter to OW.. so bear that in mind when you write...
He's been lying to you for how many months now? Lying to his own parents for how many months now? Using people to sneak out of the home to have sex with another woman?
You do'nt want to sound desperate or patient... you want to sound like you are SERIOUS and that the DAMAGE is very REAL... the letter is way too gentle i think
If you want my advice I would suggest seeing if another friend or family member can meet with you or you move to someplace else... I don't reccomend you stay in the same home while trying this... there's a lot you need to plan out... this sint' something you dive into in a panic
I would change the "happy to speak to you" part. I would put it more like, "If in the future you find you have a change of heart, you may contact me and I will see how I feel about things at that time. I've always seen myself as committed, yet there are hurts that go to the very core of a person. I know God will be with me and I will miss you, but I will be fine...." something like that rather than you being "happy" to speak to him.
I would change the "happy to speak to you" part. I would put it more like, "If in the future you find you have a change of heart, you may contact me and I will see how I feel about things at that time. I've always seen myself as committed, yet there are hurts that go to the very core of a person. I know God will be with me and I will miss you, but I will be fine...." something like that rather than you being "happy" to speak to him.
Dear H, I love you and am committed to you and our family we created together. I am willing to do whatever we can to work through the hardships our marriage has endured and come out the other side better than we have been before, however not at the expense of my own personal integrity nor my family's emotional well-being. I want a marriage and family that will bring us both joy, in a mutually healthy and committed way.
Your affair with OW is so painful for me that it is destroying the love and respect I have felt for you for many years. It is destructive to me, our daughter and our friends and family. In order to protect myself and our daughter from the pain of your affair and your attempts to destroy our family, I have decided to step away from the chaos.
Please respect my wish for no contact (other than email or text when necessary) for as long as you are involved in your affair. When your affair is ended, and you are ready to begin constructively working toward rebuilding our family, you may contact me and I will see how I feel about things at that time.
Great input everyone. I like the If in the Future... SunnyD, and agree with the edit Puppy.
I can see your point about it sounding soft. I was using the protection letter from the booklet as an example, but I'll have to see what I can do.
Allen, honestly the living situation has me greatly worried. I'll have to think about some of the options and try to work through them. And I'll probably post them on here when I can come up with one or two final ideas.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Exactly, don't send anything until you have a PLAN
THe letter's much better now too...
But you can't dive in, you need to plan for a living routine separate from him and preferably in a different home.
Think of yourself as a mother now, that's the most important part... Sorry, but it just sickens me how a man can smile at home, play wtih his daughter, and act like he's a big hero father while sneaking around, lying, and having sex with a woman who is overtly attacking his whole family...
It just is really creepy... Stalker creepy...
You need to get yourself OUT of that situation, but it needs to be organized... if there is a friend or famly member who can take you in then go that route, teh more family and friends you have around you the better
