As I mentioned, W went out last night again with her best friend Debbie. God I hate that woman. Calls here incessantly. W got home about 1:15 AM. I didn’t ask her anything about it, but did text OM EA’s wife to let her know W was going out, just in case. Her husband goes out every weekend. She said he was going to the Casino with a friend and wasn’t worried about them meeting-up. I’m not so sure.
I woke up about 3 AM and went into W’s room to try to find her cell phone. Crawled around on the floor looking. Totally dark. Felt around for pants, because she usually leaves it in a pocket, but couldn’t locate it. Got a bit nervous when wife stirred, but got out of there without getting busted. May try again tonight, but she has probably deleted everything by now anyway. Guards it like a Pit Bull.
Lawn tractor took a crap yesterday. Not sure how much that will cost to fix. I used to spend lots of time trying to fix our old tractor, but look where that got me. Tried to save $ and do it myself, but that meant missing some activities with the kids. Got me filed on is all.
I got up this morning about the same time as W. She went to take shower, so I looked for cell phone again, but she must have had it in the bathroom with her. Folded some laundry, then went to exchange some shirts and look for supplies at the local home center. Got me out of the house and away from W for a while. Worked in the basement for a while figuring out how to patch holes in drywall or put in access panels. Odd size holes may require a combination of both. No I didn’t punch holes in the walls! Access for plumbing fixtures. Then the plumber made a mistake in the ceiling, which I now have to fix. Pain in the butt! Trying to keep up with the 180’s.
As I mentioned in the last post, W asked for grocery money, so I told her I would go instead. While I was out she cooked dinner and then we both cleaned-up in the kitchen after. D9 rinsed some dishes after I had washed them. It was nice to be standing next to her working together! Said she liked doing dishes.
After dinner the kids wanted to play a game, so we both played clue with them. D9 won in a very fast game. Pretty lucky if you ask me. After that, I played Risk again tonight with the kids. They love it and have been playing non-stop since I taught them how a few days ago. D9 is going to wipe out both me and S11, but we had to stop for the night. They are looking very forward to finishing tomorrow. We had a good deal of fun playing both games. Things seem to be going very well, except that W has filed for D and shows no signs of altering her path. I am torn between going cold to the W and being friendly. Part of me thinks that if I can be the H she always wanted, maybe she will change her mind. Then I think of what gets results in other’s situations. Usually it involves withdrawing from the W. Not working with her. All the while that the smothering got me nowhere, I did wonder if she really needed to be rejected in order to come back to me. Not exactly sure where to go from here. It is so confusing.
After games were over, I retired to my room to type up these posts and maybe reread some of DR if I don’t get too sleepy. Didn’t say anything to W. D9 knocked on the door and wanted to show me something. Her tan lines!!! She hasn’t blossomed yet, so she isn’t overly shy about going shirtless. Said she had tan lines down below too, but I asked her not to show them to me. That was really cute. My relationship with my kids is really getting a lot better. After W put the kids to bed I went in their rooms and hugged and kissed them goodnight. I never really did that when they were young, which is one of W’s issues. She used to lay in bed with them until they went to sleep. Oftentimes she would fall asleep too and I would have to wake her to come to bed. I think that is a bit of overkill.
After tucking, I went down to kitchen to do a blood test (diabetic) and W was still watching TV. She went out for a smoke, which she thinks the kids don’t know about, and I went back up to my room and shut the door. She still hides her smoking from her Mom too, as do her two brothers. I don’t know what the point is. Her whole life is a series of lies and misdirection. Anyway, it sounds like she just came-up to go to bed. Didn’t say a word to me.
I hate this situation. We are going to see a kids counselor on Wednesday and after that, I think she will want to tell the kids as soon as possible. Can anybody tell me what happened in their situation after they told the kids? I think it might get more crazy after that. We are both making plans to do things alone with the kids, even though I usually do invite her to come along if she wants to. She never invites me. Told the neighbor she doesn’t want to spend time with me because it may give me hope. I may learn to hate her yet.
While at the grocery store I kept thinking about the situation and wondering if I shouldn’t at some point tell her that I am not going to be her friend when this is done. I will be cordial for the kids, but I will not be her friend. In fact, I will likely come to hate her and do anything I can to spite her. Isn’t that terrible? This is the woman I love so much and have been with for 23 years, but the pain is that bad and I know myself pretty well. I don’t know how else I will get over her.
Thanks to all for your thoughts and advice. I haven’t really been a religious person since I was young, but I have spoken to God a few times since this has happened. I guess I have to keep on trying. Sometimes all the pain I see on this website makes me just want to quit and move on. It seems less painful…………..
One thing I meant to ask about, but forgot. Generally, when D papers are filed, the parties are separated and living apart. That is what my W's attorney suggested she request. However, since we can't really afford that, my W said No, take that out of the boilerplate paperwork.
Now, I am thinking that maybe I should have my attorney request that my W be removed from the house and forced to live on her own since she is having an affair and staying out until all hours of the night and not setting a good example for our kids! Plus, she is the one seeking the D, so why shouldn't she be the one to leave?
I am worried that this may backfire on me though and result in me being ordered out of the house instead. WI is a no-fault state, so in terms of the D, it doesn't matter if there was an affair or anything else going on. All you do is say "irreconcilible differences" and the marriage can be dissolved. No fault. But does it matter for living arrangements and placement of the kids?
I'll have to ask my atty on Friday when I go to see her.
One more thing. The ace up my sleeve is that if my W tries to get nasty, I know whe has been making many personal calls, sometimes LONG ones, from work to the OM. She has already been investigated for inappropriate personal e-mails, so I will tell her that I will report her activities to the regional or state level and have them look into call to his ph number. I don't want to ruin her, but if she is going to get nuts, I am going to get ruthless.
Forgot to mention, W was complaining about not being able to sleep to me and the kids today. When they asked her why, she said because she was getting old. Said she wakes up very early, like 4 am, and then can't go back to sleep. Probably all of the stress from the situation. I probably shouldn't even worry about it, but I have to wonder if this is a good sign.
So I got bold tonight and just walked into W's room and found the phone. Walked out and looked at it. All deleted, texts, calls, everything as usual. Then, I get a text from OM's wife. It seems he not only went to the casino last night, but also to Uncle Mike's bar, which is where he and my W have met each other before. Her girlfriend saw him there, but he neglected to tell his wife. So I wake up my W and ask her where she and Debbie went last night. She is all disoriented and asks what is going on and why am I in her room. I ask again where she went and she sees my phone and asks what is that. I say, my phone. She asks what is on it. I am using it for a light and I say a picture of me. Where did you go last night? Uncle Mikes? She says no, so I ask again. She says none of your business. I say Jim (OM) went to Uncle Mike's and so did you. And as long as we are married, it is my business. I left and she went back to sleep.
She had to be there with him, right? I do know that she actually did talk to Debbie about going out, so I would assume they were together, at least for part of the night, but I don't know how late.
I know this is hardly detaching, but I really do want to bust her again with OM. Texted OM's W back and asked what time the friend saw him there and if he was with an ultra skinny blonde woman. Won't hear from her until tomorrow. Should be a fun morning tomorrow. Maybe this will help me detach. Thinking about getting a GPS for her car, but that doesn't qualify as detaching either.
When I see W tomorrow should I just tell her to stop all the lies and admit what is going on? Then we can put a definite end to this M because I won't want you back after all the lies and deceit.
I know this is hardly detaching, but I really do want to bust her again with OM. Texted OM's W back and asked what time the friend saw him t
Then tipping your hand with 3/4-baked allegations isn't the way to do it, Dan!!!
Dan, you have to start using your HEAD, and not your EMOTIONS.
Let me give you an example. Not sure if you're into baseball or not, but I coach youth baseball. I had this kid on my team this past season -- only his third season playing ball, even though he's 13. Tons of talent, but just doesn't THINK, and doesn't have good baseball instincts yet. He's always begging me to let him BUNT, and he has decent bunt technique, but as you know it's not always the right time to try it. So one game, I'm coaching my usual 3rd base spot, and this kid's due to lead off. He calls me over to him, and whispers "Coach, this pitcher looks really slow (he meant afoot), and so does that fat kid playing third over there. And this catcher's not very good either. Think this would be a good time to bunt?"
"I like the way you think, ________ " I said. "Let's see how deep the kid plays you at third, but yeah, that might not be a bad idea. I'd rather get you to first the EASY way, if we can, (meaning via a WALK), so let's take until you get a strike, and then the next pitch, show it late, and bunt it down the third baseline, like we taught you."
Sure enough, the calorically-challenged kid playing 3rd base start him out playing very deep, so we're all set. So what does my boy do on the first pitch, on which is is taking??? DOES THAT "FAKE-SQUARE-TO-BUNT" THING, which then of course only draws the third baseman in, alerting him to the possibility of a bunt!!!"
That's what you just did with your wife, Dan. Any intel-gathering that you're going to try to do just got that much harder, as she knows you're onto her.
W stayed in her room with the door shut this am until I left for work. I don't think I am going to say anything about anything for a while, but I have a hard time controlling myself.
I did get the e-Blaster software and saw that my sister sent W the following note:
Hi Brenda,
How are you doing these days?
You haven't heard from me because I was mad at you. I'm getting over that. I know this divorce is hard for you too. I don't want to know any details because I don't want to pick sides. I hope we can still be friends.
How did that Bullfrog sunscreen work for Ashlyn's face? I hope it was gentle enough for her. Maybe you decided it was to risky to try.
I'm spending so much time with school I don't have time for anything or anyone; not even Karl. I'm always crabby or crying because I'm so stressed out. I try to call mom once a week, and see her once a month but I don't always have the time for that either. I wish I could find a job so I could quit school. Mostly I miss having the time to come down to see Josh and Ash. They are growing up so fast and I feel like I'm missing it. I don't want them to think I don't care about them any more. I hope I have more than just a few minutes to spend with them when Dan brings them up on the weekend. I feel like school has ruined my life.
How is work going for you? I hope it's better than school is for me.
Tell the kids I'm looking forward to seeing them.
Debbie
To which I replied:
I'm not sure what you are doing with Brenda at the moment, but I would appreciate it if you didn't give her any support. I believe she is still carrying on her emotional (or perhaps physical) affair with another man. I am still trying to save my marriage and my family and I don't need my family members giving up on it this soon. It has only been 3 weeks since she filed. Please help me by not helping her at this time.
Whenever this thing is finalized or I have decided that I am completely done with this, then I would be ok with you contacting her.
Of course, you can do as you wish either way, but I am asking you to support me and my efforts for the time being.
In my opinion, Brenda never gave this a chance to get fixed. She didn't participate in counseling, she didn't want to work on improving our communication or needs expression skills or anything else. I also firmly believe that is due to the fact that she was having the emotional affair with Jim.
My 2 cents.
Hopefully that wasn't the wrong approach to take. I should probably be vetting more things with you guys before I do them. I always react so quickly.
I'm starting to feel that I should justa accept this and move on, which is how I know I am supposed to act, but if I get there, there may be no coming back.
