Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband's behavior is confusing

Honestly? It sounds like you're using the kids as pawns. I know that's probably not your intent.

There's no need for #3 on your first list, if he's abiding by #1.

I do think you can say something like "Make no mistake, I do what I need to do to protect our children from your behavior. If you can't control yourself, and abide by these simple boundaries, I WILL take further steps to protect them."

Puppy

Agreed. I also need to state that she is to have absolutely no contact with my kids whatsoever. That if he can't just focus on being a dad when he is with them, that privilege will be revoked.

I am planning on exposing to his family today and consulting with my lawyer. This evening (he has plans to meet with her) I will expose to her husband and then when he gets home from being with her I will confront him. I plan on taking the kids to my parent's cottage for the long weekend and will tell him to take the time to think about his choices, and if he chooses the affair to not be in the house when we return on Monday.

waterbur

I like the timing of this. I did, and used to advocate to others, my exposure of WIFE FIRST, and THEN her family, but Allen A changed my mind on this. By exposing to others FIRST, and telling them that

- you have PROOF, or else you wouldn't be telling them this painful news; and

- your spouse will probably LIE to them about it, but -- again -- you HAVE PROOF, and YOU LOVE AND RESPECT THEM TOO MUCH TO EVER LIE TO THEM.

what happens is, when he DOES then lie to his own family, his credibility will take a huge hit, and yours will increase.

Puppy

Exposure is going well today. Everyone I have called has been extremely sympathetic, if not all that surprised. They, like me, have been suspicious that something has been going on for a while, and it certainly explains why marriage counseling and all my positive changes have done nothing to stop the this train wreck.

Working up the courage for the talk tonight with the wife's husband and then the actual confrontation when he gets home from going out with OW. I don't know if I can do this without crying a little - is it okay to have some tears as long as I am not pleading and outright sobbing?

waterbur

It would be better if you didn't. Do you have any anti-anxiety meds you can take beforehand?

REHEARSING it, even out-loud, ahead of time, really helps too. That's what I did. I gave my "speech" out loud, about 20x, in my office with my door closed, even gesturing and pretending I was making eye contact with my wife. I VISUALIZED myself, strong and confident, anticipating her objections and how I would handle them.

And I must say, I NAILED THAT SUCKA.

Prayer also helps!!!

Puppy

My IC gave me breathing exercises to do. They may help.

Take a deep breath and let it out slowly thru your mouth. Rinse, repeat. It helps me.

Wow, I just finished the actual confrontation and it did not go as I had thought. I spoke with the OW husband first and let him know. He was upset, as I am I that they were actually having a sexual affair (we knew it was emotional for some time), but agreed to talk to his wife tonight too.

Well my husband came home and I told him we needed to talk. Almost immediately his phone rang and it was her. She probably told him that her husband told her he knew about the affair. Anyway, I told him to give me five minutes to say what I wanted to say and to not interrupt me. I told him I knew about the affair, it needed to stop and if not he needed to be out of the house. I told him when he was out of the house there would be no contact between us except e-mails about visitation for the kids etc. I told him I loved him and I wanted this affair to stop so we could work on us.

He asked how I knew it was sexual and I told him I had seen some of their IMing and saw him say he loves to be inside her and her respond that she loves to have him inside her. He was really quiet. He did try to say that we had problems outside of her and I told him that all of our problems were and are fixable, if he is not involved in an emotional or physical affair with her. He then said he had many things to say but didn't know which ones to say. I asked if any of them were "I am ending the affair and will stop destroying our family and am willing to recommit to working on us"? and he said he wasn't sure.

I totally expected denial, denial, denial and for him to say I love her and we are soul mates and I won't give her up for you. He did ask that if he decided to stay, if I would hold this over him forever. I said no, that once we worked through this affair it would be forgiven, but it was unrealistic for it to be forgotten. He also asked if I hated him, I said no, I loved him but I hated this behavior and the choices he has made. He then said "I should have waited." and I said "what to start having sex with her when you were still married?" and he said yes. Finally I asked if he wanted to say anything else, because once I went to bed I did not want to speak with him again until he had broken off the affair. He said no. I then told him that if he wanted to talk to the OW he needed to leave the house and he agreed.

So. How did I do?

waterbur

After I posted he left the house briefly and then knocked on my door. He told me that he called the OW and told her to tell the truth to her husband, but that was all. He left the house this morning early, looking very hang-dog.

I guess I just go to my parents house with the kids for the long weekend as I planned and see if he is here when I get back, which would indicate he is willing to end the affair?

waterbur

A-.



Very, very good, Waterbur! I KNEW you could do it!!!

Only thing I would have preferred that you do was NOT to reveal your source of intel (that way, he'd have to assume you knew EVERYTHING), but it really doesn't matter.

THIS, this was just classic:



Niiiiice.

Puppy

No, not really.

What you do, is come up with the following:

1. Your list of Boundaries of Personal Integrity -- your "dealbreakers" if he tells you he wants to come back. These should only be 3-5 things (not some "laundry list" of "demands"), but might include:

- MCing with a good family therapist, preferably one who specializes in infidelity;

- no-contact letter sent to OW, the copy of which is to be approved by you and it's to be mailed by you (so that he doesn't add or subtract anything);

- full transparency. He changes his cellphone #, with detailed billing on the new one that comes to you. Changes his e-mail address(es), and you have all passwords to everything. He leaves his cellphone unlocked when around the house, and you can check it anytime you want to. Etc. I would include in this transparency plan, Waterbur, at least ONE method of intel that is UNBEKNOWNST to him -- maybe a keylogger on the computer, for instance.

- a full-panel STD test, with you getting a copy of the results.

Those are just suggestions, but the no-contact and the transparency are must-have's.

2. The other thing you may want to do now, in the quiet of the moment, is really think about how many "strikes" you want to allow him (how much re-contact). One, but only if he self-confesses it? One, even if YOU discover it, but he cops to it when confronted? Two? More? Other? Because if/when it happens, you'll be so upset and you may say or do things that you regret; it's best to decide UP FRONT, when you're not as angry, what you are willing to tolerate. WHATEVER you decide, you should probably only tell him that you'll tolerate NOTHING other than "I would expect no further contact with her after we send her the letter, and if she DOES try to contact you, I would expect for you to tell me about it. For my part, I promise not to 'lord it over' you."

Or some such.

Keep us posted,

Puppy