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I think I would have passed out by now! You go girl!!

kat

I think BBJ may have indeed passed out. We haven't heard a peep out her all day!

I love the abandonment book. I lent it to a lady in my church group. I wish my foot would get better so I could match BBJ's workout ethic.

Not passed out, just busy. Had the kids all day, ran a bunch of errands, rode bikes, practiced baseball, etc etc.

Mental battle today. Not really a battle, maybe a struggle? My mind said the monkey on my back needed to go bye-bye as he has been hanging on way too long. My emotional side clung to the monkey because he may be heavy and uncomfortable but hey, without him there is just....nothing.

Or as Lady Antebellum says in a song I love, "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...."

So the internal struggle came to a head today and that monkey got laid out flat on his back. It feels weird, as I was driving home tonight from taking a movie back (hoping kids would fall asleep on the drive as it was 10 p.m.!) I was reminded of a phrase I heard from a movie title, I think, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being".

Don't know what it actually means but I just had this weird uncomfortable, unfamiliar feeling of lightness. To not have something hanging on me weighing me down feels strange. I will either get used to it or I will pick the monkey up and put him back on there. I hope I choose to get used to being light and don't go backward again...

In literal terms, I just had this realization that I really did all I could do. Which I already knew. But I have been wanting some acknowledgement from Dan, some sort of understanding that yes I did love unconditionally and I was willing to forgive more than most and I was a pretty special person that a husband would have to be an idiot to give up.

But then I realized that men (people, really) who would cheat on their spouse, lie about it, then come and go like a revolving door for two years after the fact....well they don't recognize good hearts and intentions because they are used to dealing in half-truths, deceptions, cover-your-@ss mode living.

And if they did see it they sure wouldn't acknowledge it...so I have been waiting all this time for something that is not going to come. If he truly recognized those traits in me, and admitted it, then he would be admitting that he is a selfish dumbass. Or he would have come running back realizing the error of his ways. Not gonna happen. So stop waiting for it...

Which is basically something I discussed with my IC several sessions back. I told her that one of the main reasons I wanted Dan to go to that retreat with me in Florida was bc there was a team of therapists/counselors and just us, no group. I truly wanted to 'plead my case' and get them to see (and thus Dan to see) that I truly was supporting him the best way I knew how, I was loving him and forgiving him and my intentions were good. My counselor said she could see how I could want that validation but that was probably a big reason why he wouldn't go, because acknowledging that I was doing my best to be loving and supportive would leave him with nothing to stand on...


Letting go for real is tough stuff. But also quite necessary.Cause arguing the same case in your mind when there never will be a jury to hear it, is exhausting, too.

Good night, everybody.

Everyone has to look at themselves in the mirror in the morning. And the WAS has lots of half-truths and lies to tell themselves so that they like that face in the mirror.

BBJ, your conscience is clear.

That was great BBJ. In fact, I'm going to save some of your words for when the time is right to tell her stuff.

((((((((BobbiJo))))))))
Excellent!

I know exactly what you mean. I just wanted to hear that our marriage meant something to him. Seems like a simple enough request, but I am not going to get it.

So I have accepted that and have moved on.

kat

Hey BBJ,

I know what you mean about the WAS and their selfishness. Most of them surely have fabricated reasons in their minds for acting like a$$holes....but I love getting up in the morning and looking in the mirror at a person who did ALL they could.
The next step for you is realizing what is fairly obvious to the rest of us......you (WE) are better off without these folks in our lives. I have said this before .... once you realize that your happiness can not be tied to one person, you will be better off.
There are wonderful people out there and you my dear deserve way better than what you have described to us in the last two years. His LOSS BBJ......

I feel the same. I know I did my best under the circumstances.

But I would feel more at peace with that if she hadn't worked so hard against me, negating everything I accomplished... any action I took, whether passive or aggressive or not at all, pitted me in direct opposition to her... And thus everything, whichever path I took, became self-defeating. Pyrric even victory.

But that's the way she wanted it. At least I now recognize that is just who she was ...or had become.

And I do take some comfort in choosing the right and moral path irregardless, as there was no other way.