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LolaL and NeverDie-

In your opinion why would sending such a letter be so bad? The R with the OM is having massive impacts on the family-currently and possibly in the future. Should this not be dicussed?

On another note I dropped off the kids yesterday and was very upbeat. We said hello to one another and that was about it. I saw the divorce papers on her table but I did not say anything to her about them. I wish she would just give them to me so we can get this process over.

She also sent me an email last night asking if she could come to the house to wash the dog for a vet appointment. This is such a simple request but I am not sure how to approach it. She could easily pick up the stuff she needs on her way from dropping off the kids at school and wash the dog at the apartment. Then again, I do not want to be a hard ass and it would be nice to see her.

Hi DWinter,
It seems like you stated it as, you dont want to be around her while she is going out with this other guy. This is NOT "controlling".

What she is doing, is sometimes called Gaslighting (derived from the movie, "Gas Light"). She's the one doing something wrong, but she's trying to convince you that YOU'RE the one in the wrong.
Yu're not.

Let's look at this carefully.
To "control" someone, is to force THEM, to do something.
What you gave as an ultimatum, was not forcing her to do anything. You only stated your intent to "control" yourself, and your own actions. You want to protect yourself from feeling bad, while she is hurting you. There's nothing wrong with you doing that!!!

Your wife is doing the PeeCee kneejerk. She wants to have something to complain about to her friends/family. So she's on the "He's Sooo ConTROLLling..." kick.
A decade or so again, it would be "He's EmoTioNaLly Abusive!".

But as far as I can see, you are neither of those things. She's just making excuses to justify her own bad behaviour.

I have the be the worst DB'er ever. I really felt like I had to tell her my thoughts on the OM, so I did. It was an upsetting conversation, but not mean spirited.

When it was all over, out of the blue I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date. She said yes, but then mentioned as long as there were no expectations but, simply to see if we could re-connect. I asked her if this meant she was going to stop seeing the OM and her reply was she doubted if he would want to continue seeing her if she was dating someone else.

About 10 minutes later she reveresed her decision and said it was not a good idea becuase she did not want to hurt me or be angry again. After further dicussion we decided that we would go on a date but would wait for a couple of weeks to let some of the emotions settle.

When I was leaving she said that she did want to give me the divocre papers to a leasst get them on the docket. After that we kissed, told each other we love one other and I left.

I want to give this date thing a chance and give it my all but to be honest I will be suprised if it happens. I know I am likley setting my self up for disappointment and hurt but to me it is worth the risk. If it does not work I will simply be back emotionally where I am today.

I am not sure how to act for the next couple of weeks...

It sounds to me like you still want this to work and that you still think there is a chance that it may so if that is the case, then sending the note is going to pressure her to make a decision and talk about the R. Again, I am no expert but I know in the book and here on the boards, it says to avoid talking about the R and about serious conversations.

Go on your date with her and just have fun, show her how much fun you are to be around, be positive, look your best and just have fun ---- sometimes they come around! -- Thats what I am hoping for my situation.

NSD

Well I have decided not to follow through with the date thing. It feels forced and I have so much emotional damage right now that getting my hopes up for something that will likely not happen anyway or will have no meaining to her seems self destructive. I am not going to let her know, I am simply going to act like it was never discussed.

I need to be a man, be proud with who I am, and move forward.

Ok, I am not sure what to do. I spoke with the W today and when I asked her what she was up to tonight, she said she was going out to dinner with the OM (at least she was honest about it). I was pretty upset and asked her if she would still be interested in going out in a couple of weeks. The short answer was yes, but included a lot of conversation about not wanting to hurt me again or having to high of expectations. The idea of the date is just to see if we can connect again.

Later in our talk she told me she missed me and that she had been thinking about me. She also mentioned she really likes the OM. It is hard to grasp what all of this means. Obviously I want things to work out between us and am willing to swallow pride to do so. I guess I am forcing things in an attempt to get my family back. I know being patient is the best thing at this point in time but it is so dam hard.

Dwinter,

It sounds like your W is very confused, welcome to the club, right! If she says she is missing you and thinking about you then that is something. Give her space, and believe me when tell you I know how hard that can be! Eventually things wit the OM will fall apart and if you are there, as a rock with your own life, looking your best and being strong, that is going to be the best thing for you to do right now.

NSD

It is really hard.

We all spent the day together yesterday to celebrate my son's birthday. I had my game face on for most of the day but it was impossible to not think of her and the OM and how she would probably prefer to have him around rather than me. By the end of the day she was giving me alcohol induced back scratches, warm smiles and a hug.

Everyone says that the R with her and the OM will not last. I have my doubts. They had an EA but stopped once I found out. Now they are back together and I can tell that she really likes him. She talks about how they are taking things really slow, although I am pretty sure things are becoming more serious for them. Their R does not seem to be built on passion but on real feelings. I know she is concerned about their age difference but she likes him to much for that to matter.

I know in order to move forward it should not matter if they stay together or not since, I cannot just sit around and wait for her to come to her senses.

Hello-

Hope all is well. I have visited my D lawyer two times and things are moving fast. Becuase the W and I have already agreed on a settlement, the lawyer anticipates we will be D before the end of the year.

She is looking to buy a new house and seems happy with this direction. I was helping her move some of our daughters furniture yesterday and I asked her where she was looking to buy. She said she wanted to stay close to me and mentioned she liked a house that is only a few blocks away. I told her it might be a little weird if she moved into a house that was too close. She did not entirely understand why.

I have not asked any more questions about the OM and do not plan to do so. The more I know, the more it will hurt. I am also doing my best to limit contact with her but having kids makes that difficult. For example, she starts a new job on Monday and needs to be at the office by 8:00am. When she has the kids, she has to drop them off at school at 8:00am. I work at home so I told her when she has the kids she can drop them off at the house and I will take them to the bus stop and that way she can get to the office in time. She told me she really appreciated that. In any case and although limited, I will being see her more and I am worried about that affecting the "moving on" process.

I am also jealous of her right now. From my perspective she seems to have everything. She has her freedom, she gets to see and have the kids based on our parenting plan, and when she does not have them, she gets to spend her free time with the OM who provides her with everything else she needs. I realize this is not a very healthy way to look at things but it is hard not to do so at this point in time.

Does anyone know if "still hopefull" is around and listening?

I would like his feedback on my last couple of posts.

Thanks.