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Hey, I'm sure what you wrote feels good but don't send it! What do you think will be the response? He's not gonna fall on his knees and beg forgiveness or even change his ways. I say if you have issues with his performance re child care arrangements etc. then deal with that in a polite, businesslike manner. The other stuff is just saying "you've still got the power, baby" If you say what you would like to see in regards to the above mentioned issue then that is boundary setting. Don't send a "poor me, how you've treated me so badly" letter, text, whatever...I do love every word you wrote though and do understand the feeling behind it!
Btw, what happened to the Cardinals yesterday, bad bird seed?

Hmmm...not sure what I will do with it yet beyond share it with my counselor. It is not written with the intention for him to fall on his knees and beg forgiveness.

I just think sometimes, the fact that I have been so kind and forgiving toward him, has kept him from feeling/acknowledging just exactly what he has DONE. Someone on the infidelity forum posted something about how the walkaway wants to keep the minimum polite interactions just so they can tell themselves, "What I did/am doing couldn't be that bad. After all, my ex continues to interact with me and engage in conversation. So I must not have hurt them that badly..." something to that effect.

And it has gone on so long that just abruptly stopping all communications except the bare minimum on the kids might piss him off, which is fine by me, but I don't think he would get the point, the WHY of it. He needs to have it smacked upside his head in order to get it.

Anyway just back in from mowing and weeding. Nine oclock here, 88* with heat index of 103*. I am a big pile of sweat and grass clippings. Sexy, eh? But I leave Sunday for 3 days for my work conference and need to have the house in order before I leave. Which means laundry is next on the list.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Really. It is so nice to be able to vent a long letter like that and have people actually take the time to read it and to validate my feelings.. Why can't I find friends like you in my real life? Oh yeah, cause I am in a small town where everyone knows everyone and if I shared my feelings it might wind up in the local paper. Really.

Speaking of the local paper, I read this week (we only get a paper once a week) that a woman shot herself and her dog at the picnic shelter of the lake/park where we went fishing, 12 hours after we were there. Eerie...

And Wii I guess I didn't consider it a "poor me, you've treated me so badly" letter.

I considered it more a "wow I have really risen above while you continue to sink, so get your sh!t together" letter....

Not feeling sorry for myself at all. I am proud that I handled myself as well as I did and didn't react like a bad Jerry Springer episode.

I was just thinking "poor me..." is how he might interpret it. I think you just go with showing the new you by being polite, businesslike and set those boundaries. I didn't mean to sound insulting or anything, just in case I did!

So, I had come in from mowing, was looking over a few things for class, and had a craving for Starbucks. It was already 9:50 but one in Omaha stays open till midnight...

Just as I decided that an hour in the car round-trip for a latte was just not worth it, the phone rang. Dan. "Could you bring the nebulizer over for Nathan? He is having a pretty rough time right now..."

Well Nathan uses the nebulizer on very rare occasion now that he gets allergy shots (on top of four daily medications). I REALLY hope his virus has not morphed into bronchitis or pneumonia like mine did last month!

I know what everyone says about bailing Dan out, and I agree. But this wasn't "Hey do you have some toothpaste?" or "I haven't done laundry and Sydney needs clean underwear." It was Nathan's breathing treatment machine, and we only have one.

So I jumped in the car and ran it over there within 3 minutes. That's the good part of living .2 miles apart! We may have to get a second nebulizer machine so Nathan has one at both houses.

I got there and he was on the couch covered in a blanket, coughing. Dan said a few minutes earlier he had been struggling to breathe but was doing better. He set up the machine while I checked Nathan out. Dan has no thermometer, but I could feel Nathan was hot. At least he went out and bought ibuprofen. Sheesh. I really hope Nathan doesn't get worse overnight....

Yes. There are advantages to living close. I'm within walking distance of the house. I hope he feels better. What's going around? I haven't heard of any viruses around here.

Hey BBJ, I loved your letter. You're a great person and what a fool he is to lose you. As I finished reading the letter I too wanted to say 'send it!' but I think wii is right about how he'll read it. Perhaps it needs to be made more authoritative if you do decide to send it.

You know I hate to say it but I feel so sad reading about how you felt calm and relieved when you took the kids on a trip without Dan. Unfortunately my stbxw probably feels that way too. I liked things structured and planned weeks in advance and she didn't want to even think about the next min and we argued. I was more careful about it once I knew how damaging it was but it's just my anal nature unfortunately. It's sad to read it, surely I made lots of mistakes in our R.

Hope Nathan feels better soon, maybe tell Dan to bring him back to the doc for a checkup? Tell him he needs to get xyz stuff, a basic first aid kit etc asap.

Why do you have to mow the lawn so frequently? You must water it a lot. I can go two weeks between mowing. Reminds me I have to mow tomorrow Grrr lol

Romeo--I have NEVER watered my lawn this year! Not once...however we have had 8.5 inches of rain so far in June. Our county has been in a flood watch or flood warning at least 12 days this month, as well.

So, you get an inch of rain, then an 85 degree day, then half an inch of rain, then an 80 degree day....that adds up to a jungle! I just mowed my front yard Tuesday evening and it needs to be mowed again. This time of year I usually have to mow twice a week. If it gets hot and dry in July I can get by with once a week, but never longer than that! And we mow in this area starting in late April/early May and we mow through October...

It isn't that I am NOT a vacation planner. In fact when we went to Disney World last year I had every day planned out, which theme park(s) we were going to, which shows/parades/fireworks/character greetings for which day, I even made character dining reservations at a few restaurants which determined which part we visited each day.

However I am flexible by nature and if something didn't go according to plan, so be it. Life goes on! Dan on the other hand gets upset by stuff like that. If we wait in line for a ride for 40 minutes and then we get on, and there is lightning and we have to get off (which happened 3 or 4 times while we were there!)...what can you do? Get mad at the weather? That doesn't help things! His tendency to get in a pissy mood and stay there when things didn't go just right is what bothered me. I spent half the vacation trying to make sure he didn't get mad about anything and that is just exhausting.

Every morning I triple checked our bag to make sure I had the camera, wipes, change of clothing, sunblock, bandaids, antibiotic cream, etc etc. Because if something unexpected happened (Nathan skinned his knee, Sydney spilled her ice cream) and it wasn't handled immediately, Dan would get all pissy. On the other hand I figure that's why I have my debit card. Worst case scenario, other than ID, there is very little you can't replace!

With our trip to Chicago coming up, I have some tentative plans, Field Museum one day, Navy Pier one day, Shedd Aquarium one day, and then dinking around/swimming at the hotel/checking out grant park/millenium park one day. If we get busy doing something and miss something else, oh well. As long as the kids have fun and enjoy themselves, I don't care...

Hi, BobbiJo! Your thread moves so fast! I just spent the last couple hours reading it from the beginning. I am learning so much about co-PARENTING--what it REALLY is like! I can tell that the boundaries are not going to be black and white. No matter how much we try. Ideally, this is what I am aiming to do with stbxh:



But then unexpected things come up like, when our kids get sick!

When you say you put your kids first, that is exactly my intent for S. Meaning, when the daycare called you because Nathan was sick, you still picked him up. IMO, when a child is sick, I don't want to mess with "well, it's YOUR day, so YOU need to deal with it." Granted, Dan should have a way to get hold of him but you, the mom and he, the dad, are the top 2 contacts, right? Ideally, they should have contacted Dan, or you could have reached him when you tried calling him. But you couldn't get hold of him so you picked Nathan up.

You did mention all of the other emergency contacts that the daycare is supposed to call...good point. But are they supposed to look up at the calendar, where Nathan is of one of many children, go "Oh, it's Wed....so Nathan is with...his dad."
I just don't believe it is unreasonable that they called you and that you went to get him.

Even with the nebulizer- I still understand why you brought it over- your boy was sick and needed it. You were available and you live close. Should Dan have one at his place? Absolutely he should! But he didn't. Although I would suggest that he have one in case you weren't available! (since you are dating--love your descriptions of the match guys!lol!)


Now, Dan does sound "needy" IMO! His texting and pouting make me want to roll my eyes and "gag me with a spoon!" I think you did a good job responding when he told you about China being allowed to trade meat with Canada. I think his "sorry" was meant for the fact that he texted you several messages about it and you only replied with one line. It was like "sorry for being excited and sharing it with you...when you clearly don't give a hoot" And you know what? SO WHAT if that was what he meant- your reply was reminding him that you two are raising the kids in separate homes, you are not husband-wife anymore and best friends.

FWIW, about the daycare problem you had earlier- I would have given stbxh the schedules, and the first time he messed up and didnt' tell the daycare, I would have told him he is supposed to and then discuss the bill. BUT ONCE is all! Sure, he needs to take care of stuff by himself, but weren't you more familiar with the daycare than he is? It's just there is purposely not letting someone know to prove a point and then there is just common sense and communicating about things that affect the kids. It sure looks tricky, though, seriously! And letting him know once but then not covering for him or taking care of it for him after that would still be instilling boundaries. This is just my opinion...

You did such a good job sharing Nathan's bad dream with Dan but letting Nathan be the one to explain it. I could tell right away that Nathan must not be scared of his dad in real life because he wasn't scared to tell him! And when Dan was clearly shocked that Nathan could have such a dream, that said a lot, too. But then Dan hugged Nathan tight and Nathan let him...mostly I do hope that leaves an impression with Dan to not be so harsh with Nathan. (I swear that stbxh and all of my friend's husbands (4) are harsh with their kids,though! The wives always need to step in. Where did they get this from? Their dads?)

And I loved your email!!! You are smart to read it to your counselor first, though. Maybe you'll never send it.

Wow newmama! I appreciate all your thoughtful input. Thanks for spending so much time catching up on my situation!

I check in on your thread every day, I just don't always post...your H is still expressing doubts and you haven't gotten to the actual point of being divorced yet so I hold out hope that things can/will turn around for you.

Well it is 2:30 here, I have gotten caught up on laundry and while putting things in drawers for the kids, I started pulling things out for the yard sale I want to have in July. I over-shopped for late-winter/early-spring clothes for the kids. Now that they are here 60% of the time, I need 40% less clothes. Gotta remember that... On the other hand Nathan has grown like a weed since last summer! His shorts fit okay but some of his shirts are too short.