Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to tell the kids

I'm just so worried about my kids, and myself actually. I have never dealt well with rejection and she is my first and only real relationship. All my other encounters were really just one night stands, which is actually how we started. Lots of one night stands and neither of us cared. When she left college for work, I didn't think I was ever going to see her again. Until she called me a month later to ask me to come and visit her. My life with her has been pretty much great ever since.

I was under a ton of stress at work the last couple of years. I got a bunch of promotions and more responsibility. At one point I had sores on my head from pulling out my eyebrows and my thumbnails were all wavy/rough from pulling out my cuticles. They still are, but are better. One of my friends suggested that I was using sex as stress relief and he was probably right. It got to the point that I would forgo other activities, such as hunting or fishing to stay in bed with my W and have sex. I enjoyed it more than anything else in this world and thought she was right there with me most of the time. I knew wasn't always ready at first, but seemed to enjoy it by the end, so I thought she just needed a warm-up period, which I always gave her. This post is getting out of hand. I put way too much info out there, don't I?

Going to a music festival this afternoon/night with some friends. Trying to get a life. W is going to take the kids to pick strawberries this morning, but I can tell she doesn't want me to come along. Then they are going to the beach with some friends. I will tell them to have a good time. Supposed to rain a bunch this weekend, so my D suggested playing Risk again.

Just going to keep trying to GAL, spend time with kids and not pursue W.

Will try to check-in later.

Thanks!

D9 doesn't want to go strawberry picking this morning. Wants to stay home. Kids asked if I was going too. Said I didn't think I was invited. Probably the wrong thing to say. D9 asked W if I was going and she said "No. He is not going." D9 stayed home with me. I have to leave soon to go to the bank and meet some friends for the festival.

W & I sent to our joint back a few days ago to take my name off of our joint account, but found out that we couldn't since I am the primary member. She has to open a new account. Since I have my own account now, I gave her back the debit card for our account and told her it was hers now. She immediately cut it up in front of me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I took her off of some credit cards and asked her to cut them up too. Eye for an eye.

I feel like the tension is building a bit again. She says she has been depressed because of what we have been/are going through, but she is the one calling the shots. This is her decision without even giving the R a fighting chance. Never wanted to work on it at all.

Thanks to all for your help.

Just read my W's email. She is making plans with her friends family without me. Told her that she had filed for a Divorce and that it was a long story she could share with her later, but she knows she is doing the right thing. Sent a huge chill down my body reading that. Makes me want to quit this.

I suppose this is normal talk for a WAS and I should keep on track, right?

Nobody has responded to me for a while. I could use a little reassurance or have you given up on me based on what I have posted?

Went to the music festival and stayed at a friends house last night. Had a pretty good time, although I did break-down about my situation a few times. Met a guy there that has been D twice and another that is just going through it now. Talked a lot of D all night. That is what I seem to do all the time anymore. Can't seem to stop.

I let my friends W read the letter from my W this morning and she said she didn't know what to tell me, but she didn't think any of it was worth getting divorced over and that all marriages have problems. We talked for a while and when I left she gave me a big hug and told me to call or come over anytime. That made me feel a little better, but also started to break-down again about my R.

I saw a "friend" at the festival, who turns out to be the woman who lent my wife the $3,000 for an attorney so she could start the D. She came to give me a hug and I stopped her and asked her why she gave my wife the $ to get divorced. She didn't know that I knew and she turned away and started to quickly leave so I shouted after her 'F*** you Reg. F*** you Reg." then I texted my wife and told her what had happened. All she said was "Nice."

Just got home and W is out shopping with D9 and picking up S11 from a friends. She will likely be home soon.

Thanks for letting me vent here.

I wish I knew what she was telling her friends about us and how she "knows" this is the right thing to do.

Dan, I think you've received some of this advice before and I know that it's really hard to do, but you really have to at this point. DETACH! GAL! Get out of the house. Find some things to do with friends that give your mind a break from obsessing about your sitch.

Who cares what your W is thinking or what she's telling her friends? She's filed. Your job now is to be the best dad you can be and protect yourself legally. Don't be fooled by her acting nice. It's probably just that an act.

From the sounds of it, she has not thought this out very well. She assumes that she'll go on being your friend and you'll give her whatever she wants because you feel guilty. You need to show her this is not the case.

QUIT BEING HER FRIEND! Don't go out with her. Don't even speak to her unless it's something important about your kids. Don't be rude but just cold. Let her know this is not what you want but you understand that she is making this choice and these are the consequences.

Most importantly, don't speak to her about your legal position. That just gives her time to prep agruments against you. Go for the 50/50 custody split. You deserve as much time with your kids as she does. And, quite frankly, time equals money. If you don't have 50/50, she will get a large support payment from you. Would you rather have time with your children or pay her money?

Get some backbone, Dan. She'll have more respect for you. More importantly, you'll have more respect for yourself.

Thanks for the reminder Bluestar. Guess I need to be reminded and whipped out of this funk.

I was thinking about getting a keystroke logger to track her on my computer, but that probably isn't a good idea either, huh? I am wanting to find out if she is still talking to this OM and I thought maybe there would be some e-mails or something like that going on. She is deleting e-mails with any references to our sitch immediately. I just happened to catch one to/from a friend of ours this morning and she had it deleted off about 2 hrs later. I know I need to GAL and move on, and I have been doing things with friends, but it is so hard. I am scared to lose my family.

I am going to go for 50% placement too. that may enable me to keep the house, which I think may be best for the kids.

the list sandi gave me said it was OK to invite your spouse on outings with you, but not to let her decision affect whether or not you will go. I got invited to our friends annual summer party last night and the that couple asked me to invite her too. That is on July 31. They also asked me and the kids to go to the Rennisance Faire with them in 2 weeks and I was thinking about asking W to come also.

Should I not do that and just take the kids and not her events?

We also do a vacation for a week at a lake every summer and she still wants to do that together. My brother suggested that I tell her we should split the cabin for a week with me going 1/2 with the kids and her going 1/2. I told her I wasn't sure about that at first, but have since agreed. As we are likely to still be living in the same house at that time anyway, living in the same cabin would just be the same.

I don't know.......

DanF,

Thank for the response to my thread today!

I guess we both have been having one of those days.

It is scary to lose the family you have/had. I feel the same way. Now is the time to think about the family you will have with your kids.

I have been emotional today about her and our family we had in my sitch. I need to remain focused on my kids and the R and family I will have with them when the D is final.

Do not talk about anything regarding the case because it will help the WAS in the custody and other issues. It is difficult, but you have to do it.

Keep all language clean, so there is nothing against you even with people that are helping her for your sake. Don't give any ammunition to her.

Try to detach as much as possible because you are divorcing, and let her know how it will be without you.

Keep positive and take care of yourself.

Thanks LSG. I have to learn to keep myself under control. I am just hurting so badly right now. In my interactions with my W over 23 yrs I don't ever remember us swearing at each other or even really raising our voices.

This is just eating me alive.

Thanks again. I'll do better to keep it under control. Probably should stop drinking.

Went to the neighbors for a couple of beers tonight. On my way out the door, W says, I might be going out tonight. Our D9 is home, so someone needs to be here with her. W asks if I have my phone w/me so she can let me know if she is or isn't going out. About 30 mins later, I get a text to come home so she can leave. How about some notice at least? Anyway, she says bye to D and hugs her. Then says bye to me, so I say, bye, have fun. Should probably have skipped the have fun part and just said bye.

Hang in there LSG. Moving on to better things, even if I don't see them yet.