Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to tell the kids

Dan,

I'm far from being a pro here and you are getting GREAT advice from some of the best people on this site. I am, however, dealing with some of the same things that you are. It's all still very fresh to me and maybe that will help you a little bit.

You must let her go, let her be however she is going to be. The time for communication, words of affirmation, all of that will be when and if she decides to commit to rebuilding your M. All of it that you do now will be considered by her as pursuing. You must stop immediately!

We all have trouble stopping the pursuing now that we "get it". It won't matter at this point. As you have read, your best bet is to show her, don't tell her, but show her you have accepted what she has told you, you agree with it, and you are okay with it all. Move on, do your own thing. Be happy about it at least on the outside. Have fun with the kids and keep busy. Do not let her see you pout and sulk any longer. Right now, you are the happy go lucky Dan that you used to be. Even though you are scared about what might happen to your family, you are the happiest person in town. Only let her see that side of you.

I will admit that I have had my ups and downs with the same things that you are. Since I started going our with friends, joined a band again and am just having fun, my W has complained about me being gone and not being home with the kids. At first, she succeeded in making me feel guilty. But if you stop and think about it, she doesn't want you around, doesn't want to do anything together anyway, so why should she care? Let her wonder why you are happy and not devastated about the sitch like you were before. And if she asks, just tell her you forgot how much you enjoyed spending time with friends, or just you and the kids or whatever.

We all come to understand that this is for our well being first and foremost. If the WAS comes back, that is the immediate goal. The ultimate goal is to improve yourself, fix your faults and shortcomings and realize you will be okay even if she doesn't come back.

As you already know, it ain't easy. But it can be done and is done every day.

Wife just called me at work to tell me about all the trouble she is having with the kids. Had to relay all the little details to me. Is this a good sign?? I know I probably shouldn't have answered the phone at all, right?

I have been reading all the posts by DESPERATE FOR HOPE AND UNDERSTANDING and his sitch seems very similar to mine at the moment, except that my wife has already filed for D.

Would this advice from Steve McQueen be good in my sitch too? I think I could do this.

"Just work on being good parents. Be friends and just see how things go."

You know you can love someone without expectation and you can show love without it being returned. That is where one person can save a relationship when the other doesnt want to.

If I were in your shoes, I would heed the advice Puppy Dog Tails is giving you and follow it.

Thanks for the advice guys/gals. Sorry it seems to be so hard for me to learn it. I am usually a fairly quick study, but I struggle with the emotional side of things. One of my W's hang-ups too.

I'm not sure why, but an erie sort of calm has come over me for some reason.

I started teaching my kids how to play "Risk" last night. They seemed to really enjoy it. Asked W if she wanted to play, but she said no. She doesn't like those types of games. We used to play a lot of scrabble when we were younger, but when we had the kids we just didn't have the time and she was usually too tired. She just sat on the couch and watched TV last night. Prison shows. She is a Probation and Parole Officer for the State of WI, so she is really into all of that stuff.

Kids seemed to have a great time playing and when we were done, my son thanked me for teaching them. We may play again tonight now that they have gotten a feel for it.

I'm working on something that I'd like you guys to review for me before I do anything, but I have to get some work done first today. I think I am going to take the day off tomorrow so I can rest-up before the music festival (Summerfest-The world's biggest gig!). Been lots of restless nights this past week thinking about things my W has told me about myself.

Have a great day everyone and I will try to catch-up with you a bit later.

Ok, so you all know that my wife has considered me to be selfish in the past and I have continued to defend myself in this area based on all the hard work that I felt I did to get our family into a comfortable position. Last week-end, one of you told me to "Stop defending myself and validate her feelings." I felt that was very good advice and I have been thinking about this a lot over many sleepless nights. On Sunday night, I barely slept at all. She knows this and asked me why, but I only said, why do you think?

I think that you guys may be against this, but I am thinking that I need to accept her criticisms and validate her feelings in this area before we can make ANY progress. I have only been DBing for a couple of weeks yet, but I feel that this is something I have to do. In my situation, I'm not sure what to look for as positive progress, since we are pretty much always nice to each other, so not fighting isn't progress. What should I consider progress? Maybe a hug or kiss? Or putting a ring back on? Since D is filed, I'm not sure the ring thing will happen.

Anyway, here is the final apology I am thinking about giving her. Let me know what you guys think. No offense to the rest of you, but Puppy, you have been great for me and I would also appreciate hearing from a woman on this one too. How about it Sandi or Greek? Sorry to beg, but God knows I need the help right now.

Here it is:

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said about me being selfish and I want you to know that I accept it and that I agree with you. When you took the kids to the movies, or to the beach and you asked me if I wanted to go, I said “no”, because those were things that I didn’t enjoy doing, but that shouldn’t have mattered. It was very selfish of me not to be there with you and the kids and I am sure that I missed a lot of good interaction time with them and with you. I should have accepted your invitations and been acting more like a family. I wish I would have gone with you and if I had understood how much it was hurting you and my relationship with the kids, I probably would have gone along. I really regret not participating in those events, but I am going to learn from those mistakes and work to make my relationship with the kids the best it can be. Going forward, I really am going to need them as much as they are going to need me.

Regarding our intimate interactions, I am sorry that what I did made you feel like an object, or possession or piece of meat. That was certainly not my intent, but hearing what you have said and looking back on my actions, I can understand how I caused you to feel that way. No one should have to live that way or feel like that, especially with their spouse. I was being selfish in taking care of my own needs, when I should have been focusing on your needs and making sure they were met and you were happy. That is my job as a husband and I am sorry that I failed you in that regard. I would like to make this better for both of us, but I understand your reluctance to put up with me any longer.

I want to thank you for making me realize these things and to know that I am working very hard to improve myself in these areas, whether that ends up being for us or just because it is the right thing for me to do as a person to improve myself and my future relationships. If, by chance, you change your mind and decide that you do want to try to save our marriage, I think you’ll find me ready and willing to work on all issues – even mine.

I'm against this approach.

- too supplicating

- too many WORDS, instead of ACTION: SHOW her your changes, don't TELL her about them

- legally, I wouldn't want to put confessions of guilt/fault in writing; if I were going to do them, I would do them verbally

If you want her to know you "get it," and are no longer selfish, then SHOW her.

Puppy

I would do this verbally. I don't think there are any legal implications as I live in a no fault state. I thnk she thinks I still don't "get it" and I haven't told her that I do. I can "show her" with my interactions with the kids, but for us intimately, there is no intimacy. How do I "show her" that I understand how badly I hurt her in the past if she is sleeping in the other room and wants nothing to do with me?

Sorry, but I have created a mess here.

Puppy beat me to the punch. Exactly what I was thinking as I read your post. This is a mistake many early DBer's make, including myself. Too much talk, too much promise of future action. If you see areas you were deficient in, you don't need her approval to start working on them, just do it. Let her notice the changes, and even if she comments on them, just act casual about them. You're probably thinking "How will she see it if we're apart?" You have kids together, your lives are intertwined in many ways. She'll have plenty of opportunity to see your changes, and if you just start doing them without saying anything, she'll see them as sincere, rather than manipulation. By the way, the changes will only stick if they are sincere.

Also, don't be so quick to take blame. Validate her feelings, sure, but just leave it at that. I'm amazed how my W eventually pointed the finger at herself just as much as at me for our difficulties. From what you've written, you were a basically good husband and father who chose to spend some time alone sometimes rather than go with his family to do things. Hardly a capital offense. The WAW mind vicously tries to dig up and use these "past offenses" as justification for their behavior. Don't blindly buy into it. I did, and I took way too much blame. Thankfully, my W didn't really buy it from me either, and now jokes about some of these supposedly horrible things I did in the past.

I don't think you should have this "talk" with her at all, verbally or otherwise. If you do, and then start to show changes, she's much more apt to see it as manipulation. You want to SHOW her you've "seen the light". Talk is cheap.

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty ,kitty. psspsppssspsppspssspspsssspsps. Come on kitty, I won't hurt you. Come on kitty. pspspspspspsssssspppspspspspspspspsps."

Don't chase cats.


Make the cat interested in you. Be catnip.

Great advice guys. Thanks for setting me straight. I will not give this apology.

Any advice on what I could consider "progress" or what goals to set in this situation? We are generally nice to each other and don't fight, so not fighting is not progress.

Any phusical contact like a touch, hug or kiss from her? That doesn't seem reasonable to expect at the moment. How do I know if this is working? WAit for her to ask aobut the R?

I just feel like I am spinning wheels.

Thanks!