I wouldn't say xW is against my taking the boys to church. She has always tried to maintain she has been ever in God's good graces, that she is duly saved and unceasingly devout. However, in recent years she has adopted more "open-minded" qualifications to her faith, undoubtedly influenced by her faithless mother. The xMIL has long maintained that God doesn't really require His followers to have to worship in a particular building or even on a particular day of the week. In her thinking, it is enough to merely enjoy Nature.
It's partly true, I'd say - you really do not need a physical church to honor the Sabbath, but I gather xMIL doesn't really commune with God even in the midst of His creation. Or anywhere for that matter. It's all just an excuse, of course. A cover story. But she's a "big girl" and it's her life, her conscience, her soul.
Ever since the bomb xW has started adopting some of this very mind-set of her mother's that she herself pooh-poohed most of the prior years I've known her. "Godless", xW had described her mother's views, with an understandable mixture of sadness, concern, compassion and disproval. For my former W to now hold to such views shows me just how far she has truly fallen.
xW is a "big girl" too. So she's certainly responsible for her own self. My only concern is where she tries to subtly or not-so-subtly influence our S's to stray. Such as the words S9 parroted at me this week.
No, their mother doesn't overtly oppose our S's going to church. But it most definitely makes her uncomfortable now. I keep praying for her, and even her own mother, but I have learned that my prayers may not always be answered in the way I would hope or in the time that I would hope. The key is to continue to pray all the same even when it might seem hopeless, because one just never knows...
She's taking a different path now. I do think there's always hope. I still pray for my X sometimes that he'll find his way back (not to me but find his way to the right path again). You know the Mother's day sermon that he heard at my church: so clearly God was speaking to him. But he tunes it out. I think that must be so hard to do!
I have a lot of peace in my life now. I honestly believe my X has lost out big time by breaking up our family. He's made some really destructive choices (understatement huh). I'm not going to feel sorry for him; but I can't feel anger either, at least it helps me feel less anyway.
I am feeling quite worn and stressed today. I know a Father's Day is not supposed to be that way, but work and the ex conspired to make it difficult. Still, though it started out rough, it ended up well enough.
I've been up since 5:30 AM. Had to work on the install project for my employer, slated this AM. My piece wasn't as involved as others, but it still took time out of my morning all the same.
I had already planned to make the 11 AM service at the church, even if S9 was insisting he didn't want to go because today was a "special day" (sure is, little buddy. It's my special day and I get to say if we go or not.)
When I spoke to my S's Friday evening, they were in transit to OM's home, more than an hour away. The cellular connection was bad (xW's phone and mobile provider stinks) so it was difficult to get some of the details. It was during this call that S9 mentioned they were going to see the new treehouse for the first time. I asked S9 when they were coming back but did not get a straight answer -- a bad connection and too many distractions in a moving car.
When I called them the next night the signal was even worse. I spent much of the conversation trying to yell into the receiver and asking my S's to repeat themselves. It has been this way since xW took up the current phone and the current carrier over a year ago -- and xW has since decided to make this her only way to be reached by phone, having dropped her landline. (It's another reason I try to go by email with her). During this call, I came to the conclusion that xW does not want to be conducive to our S's having regular voice contact with me during her custody of them.
A little after 9 AM this morning, right after I had just wrapped up my time working on the project for work, xW dials my cellphone and begins to castigate me for not showing up to pick up our S's for Father's Day -- she is calling from OM's place and expecting me to have driven all the way out there to take my S's for the day! This was in no way part of any agreement or understanding between us in how we were to conduct today, or any day for that matter, and yet here she is acting all irate and accusing me of standing my S's up, purportedly.
This was the start of a very heated argument. More heated on her part, but I was not going to accept one iota of her assertions. A lot of words were said between us. I kept a lid on my rising anger and alarm, but I was not about to let her get away with her nasty little ploy. I could see right through her lies and could identify that she was attempting to blitz me with feigned anger and thus trying to put me on the defensive.
Her objective was to make it sound like I was in error about the plans, falsely claiming she had told me to drive out to pick up the boys at 9:30 AM, but all the while contradicting her own story. She tried to claim that the plan was reiterated to me both Friday night and on Saturday night (they most certainly had not) and that she had emailed me earlier in the week. Then she said that if I hadn't received the earlier email (which I know she had never sent) then that is not her problem. She used several old saws and oft-repeated cliches of hers, such as "You must not really want your S's after all, since ou are not here to pick them up." And "That's just so typical of you, you never pay attention to what I say."
But she had the audacity to claim that an email she sent at 9:08 AM this very morning (right before she called me) was the one she had sent earlier in the week -- to which I had supposedly refused to acknowledge -- or that I would have received: It came out in the conversation that she might have had her message stuck in her Outbox and it was never really sent.
And yet she still wanted to proceed with the idea that I had refused to comply with her plan of action for today, a plan she had never communicated to me in the first place. And then she had the nerve to claim, yet again, that I am the one who is so poor at communicating.
My xW, if you can't figure out from this already, has gone bat-guano insane, evilly so.
She then demanded to know if I was on my way, right that very moment, driving out to Jabba-the-Hutt's trailer-park reject of a home. I told her no. I have no intention of ever making such a trip. The onus is not on me if she wants to go out there. She replied that I had better get used to it because they (she, OM and my S's) were moving there permanently after August. I again told her No, I would not accept being the one to have to drive out of my way just to accommodate her personal choices -- and I was certainly not going to allow her to establish a precedence for doing so today. Especially when she never conveyed her plans to keep our S's out there at all in the first place let alone expecting me to have to drive out to pick them up.
Having called her bluff she then began to ask whether I was going to drive and meet her half-way. I told her she was already jeopardizing my time with my S's on a day designated for me as a father in our own agreement, so as a show of flexibility I said I would leave out and meet her somewhere to take custody of the boys, but in no way was this to be misconstrued as how things were going to be when she finally did move away.
This launched us into a whole new line of argument, debating the parenting agreement and how her move-away and her altering of the child-support were justified or not. All the while we are driving towards each other we continued to debate these points over the phone.
Several "lu-lu's" came out of her mouth. To which I could easily refute.
Her, on the subject of changing the child support arrangements and why she previously insisted that she control it all before but now wants to split the responsibility for paying other parties 50-50: "I don't trust you. I didn't trust you back then, and I still don't now, but now I think you should shoulder more or the responsibility. I'm not doing you anymore favors." My response: "I am not the one who has proven to be untrustworthy, one who lies, cheats and steals. So your lack of trust can be levied against your own faults and weaknesses, your insecurities." Her response (an old saw of hers): "And you think you're God and that you know me so well. You think you know it all, know everything! But you don't really know me or ever have." Me: "If that's true, then who's fault is that. We were married for close to 18 years -- if I never really came to know you in all that time being married to you, then you hid your true self too well. If you were always a shallow facade all those years I tried to know you, then who's fault is that?!?"
Her, on the subject of the child support supplement: "You pay me nothing; what you pay me doesn't even cover half of what I pay for daycare and nothing I pay to my mother for afterschool." When I tell her the supplement is the difference between what I pay and what she pays for care for our S's -- and that she continually neglects to factor in the cost of insurance coverage for our S's -- she continues to insist I am not paying anything and that she pays everythinng.
Her, when I reply that the payments are calculated on the state guidelines based on our reported incomes and our reported childcare costs and that both of our lawyers approved of: "All of you are wrong. You all don't figure in all of the costs correctly -- I'm paying them all!" Me:"Well, either you're not faithfully reporting all of the income, costs and other factors that goes into the upkeep of S9 and S5, or you're presuming to know more about how to calculate what's fair and equitable between us than either of our L's, me, the state or even Mathematics. Now who is the one who think's they're God?"
Her, on the subject of Father's Day: "I wish I had never agreed to allowing that as a part of our agreement. Father's Day is just a made-up holiday to pump up sales for greeting card companies -- you could celebrate it on another weekend on your own custody time." <This from Miss Greeting Card herself! xW and her family are such greeting cards fanatics, that these companies P & L statements probably would suffer should they abstain from buying cards for any and every occasion. I recall how much she used to chastise me for not being so considerate as to follow suit in sending cards to the degree she did. Such hypocrisy!> Me: "You know, I know you don't have a lot of respect for fathers in general, or me as a father in particular..." Her, interrupting: "You haven't earned it!" Me:"...but... ...well in my opinion neither have you, but still, as I was going to say, I try to support our sons in respecting you anyway."
Her: "I don't know how you can be so cruel to your sons, to rip them away from their home just to be with you during my week. All because you think it's due you, just cause it's supposed to be some holiday." <When I went out of town earlier this week, I gave her the option to keep our sons for those two nights -- during my week of custody. I missed them madly and feel short-changed in the custody this week, but I trusted they were okay with her all the same. I did not complain even once. And yet here she is begrudging me a once-a-year holiday, a holiday in particular recognition of my fatherhood, stipulated in our agreement to only be the majority of daylight hours at most -- and not the entire day -- in the very same week. She has no sense of proportion or fairness.>
...and on and on...
There was a lot said, as I mentioned above, a lot more than just these snippets. It was a long drive, even if it was but half-way.
In the end I told her that we will, in the long run, "get this all worked out". And from now on we will go strictly "by the book", because any attempt on my part to act magnanimous and to be flexible on these matters is met with contempt and avarice on her part. She wanted to argue further, but by then I had caught up to her and we made the exchange.
I made a special effort to wipe away the signs of consternation that had lain on me during this trip and the mobile conversation between xW and I -- and I put on a genuinely happy smile and greeted my boys, then loaded them into my car. For me the argument was over at that very instant, for the duration of the time I was to have my kids.
We three then proceeded to church. Afterwards we ate a great dinner and then went to go see Toy Story 3 (--verrrry good, BTW). Today ended up being a very enjoyable time for us three.
I am a father. A good father, if I must say so myself. Not perfect, not by any stretch. But a good one. And the best one possible for my two S's. I have learned that I will take nothing from anyone, least of all my exW, that denigrates my love for them and my effort to do everything right by them. I am human and I do make mistakes. But like many of the fathers here in the DB forums, I am doing everything humanly possible, given the ugly circumstances many of us find ourselves in, to parent our children as soundly as possible.
...
I got a couple of Father's Day cards from my boys this morning. S9 was very proud of the one he made for me. S5 was proud of his too, although, as S9 just had to point out, S5 merely picked his card out in the store. I certainly don't mind. They both did a wonderful job in both of their cases.
S9 then had to mention the card they got for OM. He said they gave "Mr. OM" a Father's Day card this morning too. Another store-bought card, S9 noted, picked out by his mother. Not a step-father card or something generic, but a bona fide card for someone who is a real father -- signed by my two S's.
I can tell you that that does gall me. OM is not a father, at all. He has no children of his own. All the children in this and all his other M's came from other families. And yet xW wanted to exalt this miscreant to the same status or higher than my own, using my own children.
She is so sick, sooo very petty. She thinks she is going to succeed in replacng me in our children's minds and hearts, but that is: not. going. to happen. -- as long as I am around she will fail miserably in that.
Was she sayimng all of those things to you while driving in the car with your kids? If so that needs to be stoped. You need to tell her you will not engage in conversations like that when the kids can hear.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Yes. In the car. The whole drive. The kids could hear her.
I would hope they were wearing headphones and watching a DVD in the back seat (which is what she usually does for them on road trips), but I saw no evidence of that this time. I won't trust her to use common sense anymore.
As for the remainder of the day it went very well, despite the rocky start. For that I am thankful.
In a post mortem reflection on xW's spew-fest yesterday, I can concur with the impression I got during the incident. I believe she was angry and jealous that I was interrupting her plans and desires to have our S's honor her new H and his father for Father's Day.
She had broached the subject through our S's the weekend prior (see previous post) and in a subsequent email to me asking me what the terms of our agreement were regarding the particular holiday. Her objective all along was to bluff me and coerce me into giving her all or part of the day. I tried to be flexible with her, but that wasn't enough for her apparently. So on the very morning in question she made up this ploy saying she had dictated to me a plan earlier in the week. And she sent an email to try to claim she had put it in writing, but she sent the email right as she was calling me.
Quite simply, she tried to pull a fast one. And she tried to browbeat me into either driving all the way out to OM's place or (better yet for her) giving up altogether. Having failed to coerce me through our S's earlier in the week, she turned on her full nasty mode, pulled out all the stops, and used every cliche in her arsenal. She sang a song I have heard over and over again these last three years -- but I have learned the counter-harmonics to it in that time.
Yes, it was very stressful. But I held my calm, relatively speaking. I worry about my S's, however. I tried to take their minds completely off of what they might have witnessed.
I continue to pray, every day, she would learn to grow up, and act like a sane person. I pray for her to come to understand and accept that a father does indeed have just as much right to their children as the mother (exceptions aside, of course). For my own sake I would like there to be no more of this drama. For our children I wish for there to be peace. I can't do this alone, it has to be mutual.
It's funny, I was just thinking the evening before all this conflagration erupted that I truly and deeply love my two little ones, and I am so very happy being their father. I think if I had to sum up the bright spots in my mortal existence on this little mudball we call planet Earth, S9 and S5 are at the top.
I have all along planned to be and wanted be a father, but it was just one of many goals I held for my life. At one time I would have been amazed had you told me this back then, but more than any award or accolade in career or other endeavor, my children are the best achievements in my life so far. Family means so very much to me.
For my own sake I would like there to be no more of this drama. For our children I wish for there to be peace. I can't do this alone, it has to be mutual.
Honestly all you can control is your involvement and keeping your actions drama free. Create an environment of peace for you and your kids. My X used to call me and try to fight with me on the phone when the kids were with me. I would calmly repeat that I could not have that conversation right now, please e-mail me with your concerns. Funny thing is now, 3 years later, my D12 has confided in me that she was able to hear X yelling on the phone and remembers me saying that to him. She appreciates what I did to keep the nastiness away from them.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I think your X was totally upset b/c she couldn't have the fantasy day she planned with OM and her kids. Reality is painful for her. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I don't think you should talk to her on the phone esp. when she's acting crazy like that. And usually either you or she will have the boys there. Tell her to email you and hang up if she yells or act nasty. Of course, you can give me the same advice--but I do try to stick to email when possible. Most of the times when X calls me now it's when he's mad about something and wants to vent at me. Don't need to put up with that anymore; well no one should anyway.
I'm glad at least you got to spend the day with your boys. I do have to think that if you suggested your X give up Mother's day with her boys; that would have gone over real well.
In retrospect, while I kept my own self in check, I could hear the mounting insanity in xW's spew the whole time. I should have cut the conversation off, but I unwisely let her run her mouth off and even kept adding fuel to the fire. Had I realized my S's were possibly being exposed to this, I certainly would have told her to email me. I should have thought.
It was not a shining moment for me either. It does not matter if she happens to be this way all the time anyway.
xW and her family are such greeting cards fanatics, that these companies P & L statements probably would suffer should they abstain from buying cards for any and every occasion. I recall how much she used to chastise me for not being so considerate as to follow suit in sending cards to the degree she did. Such hypocrisy!>