Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis How should I handle MLC direct lying?

I apologized to my H in a very generic way, very brief and nothing too emotional - I'm sorry you feel I controlled you, I'm sorry for the part I played in our M being bad. You know it was mostly good, and you know we were really good together. (He didn't receive that well, but my hopes are that he will remember that feeling later of it being good.)

I did not get into heartfelt emotions for the very reason above. They are vindictive and hurtful in this journey, they are looking for reasons why they were right to leave you, and they are not the man/woman you M. They are in a fog, don't remember to brush their teeth, they're certainly not going to remember what you said to them in a long, heartfelt apology, except blah, blah, blah, you were right, it's all my fault, blah, blah, you were right to leave me, blah blah, you're perfect and it's all my fault... etc.

Not trying to make it sound ridiculous, but it sort of is, in their weird, warped sense of reality. If you are going to apologize, keep it straight, simple, and generic, do it so that you have peace of mind and expect it to be twisted to suit his needs. If it were me, I'd wait until he is acting like himself in a few years before I did anything... but then again, you can always give him the apology in bits and pieces, in the form of validations...

ex. "W, it's all your fault, you were too controlling" - "I understand that you think I was controlling and I'm sorry you feel that way." "W, you never made me the center of your universe" "H, I'm sorry you feel that way, and you know that true happiness comes from within, I hope you find that some day." etc.

As an aside, I also confronted OW and instead of sticking to the script "you're hurting my family, please stay away" I filled her in on some stuff about H and his past A's and they used it against me... that I'm crazy, I have a low self esteem, no wonder H doesn't want to be with me... don't do that either. It was all the truth, but she didn't want to hear it, she wanted to believe H is wonderful, totally in love with her, b/c she's just so wonderful also, and I'm a louse sitting at home ruining his life.

I was thinking of doing a brief written paragraph. I think I could be more direct that way, and he could reread it if he so chose. I know in person would probably seem more...brave or something. But I'm not sure I can do it concisely and would be more confident on paper.

Thank you for all the things to think about as far as info being used against me. As far as the apology goes, I really want no response from him. I'm just giving him info as I feel I should as part of my "inner work" and change.

Thanks again

Why don't you do the paragraph and then post it online for us to help you with?

Also, is this something you would have done before or a 180?

Good idea. I might do that. Thanks. This is something I realized/started working on about 1-2 months before most recent D day. Seems coincidental, maybe it's not. He knows I was working on it and learning before he got caught. So I guess it's kind of both.

Thanks!

An apology isn't a bad idea. A few things about it though...do not expect it to solve anything, or for him to thank you. This is not a magic bullet that will fix anything. Later he might not even remember it, and that is ok, come a day when an apology will stick and mean something to both of you. : )

THAT is a good day.

Is it common for the MLCer not to remember things? If so, would this be in relation to As only or in general? My H has either "acted" like he doesn't know about/remeber some basic things he's doiong or really doesn't remember. When I pointed out to him he had at one time been talking to one of the EAs on the cell most every night he goes "was I?". He didn't argue or question I was right. It was bizarre.

Yes, it is very common for them to be forgetful and not remember things. They also lose all sense of time as well. It is the depression that creates this memory loss.

A couple of other questions: We are separated physically (I asked him not to come home after most recent D day). How should I handle it when he wants to come to the house to do yardwork, etc? I try to ask him to do almost nothing.

Also, Is it normal for the MLCer to withdraw for friends and family too? I know it is during certain stage(s). I assume the friends and family should not try to give advice, etc?

Thanks

YesNo they should not, and you should try not to ask them.

Have you read the resources?

What are you doing for amg?

Thanks OP. Honestly I started new threads because at one point someone on the newcomers thread suggested I do. And also, I found that one "subject" doesn't necessarily apply to the specific question. When I had only one thread basically one person was following it and the title often wasnt' descriptive of the questions. I'll try to minimize this if it isn't the best way to go! Thanks.

I am reading through the resources "homework" you gave me. Not quite done. As far as what I'm doing for AMG, I'm doing MUCH MUCH better since I stopped looking at cell recs. I'll be honest it had to be the right time before I could give it up, and I couldn't do it myself--I had my friend change the password--but it's the BEST thing I've done since this all started. Again, it had to be at the right time, and that time came for me.

Thanks for your help about how to respond to his request to come to the house to do work. I have already used it in real life situations!