It is all very confusing. For me, being a woman, it's harder for sex to just be sex. After having sex 3 times since my last post, I can say that I'm not sure how I can keep it up without being resentful. This feels all about him, not about me or us. Of course, I stated above that he was trying harder to please me and the last 2 times that really wasn't true. To add insult to injury, I felt there was no intimacy at all: no kissing, and afterwards, he just goes back to sleeping on the very edge of his side of the bed to pretend I don't exist. And while I don't expect anything else, I can't say it doesn't hurt.
Should I really continue having sex with him in hopes that it is helping keep the bond alive when he's doing nothing towards making our relationship better at all?
Of course, Cajun, you may feel differently being male. ???
I do feel differently. I always thought as sex as an expression of our love and to bond to each other. Even if it was just a quickie. The sex we had only happened once since we S. If she wanted it again I would, and not that I am a guy, but I do think she wants love expressed thru sex. It may be her way to get close to me. :Dunno:
Is it H that is always initiating sex?
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
DLS: That could be, that it's just his comfort zone and he's returning to it... I guess that's been the case a lot over the last few years. I haven't communicated much about it because before these last several times, he was definitely being considerate of my needs. However - with that old "comfort level" maybe he's going back to not considering them. ??? I don't know. I've told him many times how I need the affection - the kissing, etc... to really get into things. He was doing that. Now, he's not again. In fact, even after the bomb I heard ILY several times, but NOTHING close to that these last few weeks. Now I don't even get hugged after work. After the bomb, he would hold me - say ILY - hug me...but maybe that was all out of guilt. Since I've been doing my 180's I get no kind of affection. Yet, there's been no fighting or emotional storms either. In many ways life is more pleasant except now with sex, I don't want to feel used when not even so much as a exchanged hug has occurred first. ??? VERY confusing!
DLS: That could be, that it's just his comfort zone and he's returning to it... I guess that's been the case a lot over the last few years. I haven't communicated much about it because before these last several times, he was definitely being considerate of my needs. However - with that old "comfort level" maybe he's going back to not considering them. ??? I don't know. I've told him many times how I need the affection - the kissing, etc... to really get into things. He was doing that. Now, he's not again. In fact, even after the bomb I heard ILY several times, but NOTHING close to that these last few weeks. Now I don't even get hugged after work. After the bomb, he would hold me - say ILY - hug me...but maybe that was all out of guilt. Since I've been doing my 180's I get no kind of affection. Yet, there's been no fighting or emotional storms either. In many ways life is more pleasant except now with sex, I don't want to feel used when not even so much as a exchanged hug has occurred first. ??? VERY confusing!
SOrry to hijack your thread, Cajun!
No need to be sorry, it is open to all.
Still didnt see an answer to who starts sex. If it is always H, then maybe you could try something to initiate. I am learning that if something doesn't seem to work...stop and find something that does. It sucks as sometimes you work on one thing, spend all this time on it, then I have to change up things and start over.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Well, Cajun, at least you do see sex as more than just sex - as an expression of love as well. Women (well, at least my friends and I) do see sex as a fulfilling expression of love and not just some duty. I'm sure when you're W wanted it, it was a way of reaching for you. Security? To know you're still there for her? Because she's confused about what she feels and what she wants? All of the above? I wish I could tell you for sure. I can't figure out that one for myself!
In my case, yes, since the bomb, I don't initiate - H does. When he makes the first move though I will say I respond to it fairly readily. I have initiated a few things - like a back rub - but not in a desperate way, just in a trying to be nice way. That doesn't make sense maybe, but I know the difference.
That's the confusing part. I guess I see iniating, since he's the one that wanted out and all, as pursuing...which we aren't supposed to do. ???
Yeah, one of the vets could chime in on this. I get confused on when I am supposed to do something when it contradicts another rule.
I know ,when W and I were still together, there were times she would try to initiate sex, but I wasn't in the mood. She would give up easily and be angry that we did not make love. Its not that I really didnt want it(I am a guy and I love my wife, she does turn me on no matter what), but I wanted her to start it, instead of me all of the time. I never communicated it to her, and that is part of my problem where I am at today.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
He might still roll over after the act is completely done. It may not be a sign against you at all, it simply indicates his comfort level.
I personally prefer to hold my wife in a spoon position. But I have been outside of the residence for 6 months now, and out of the bedroom for 6 months before that.
