Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Heartbroken and needing help!

Welcome IB,
You appear to have smart head on your shoulders and have seen very quickly what you need to do to protect yourself and grow through this whole situation.
You have to learn a few key skills - validation, detachment, patience - did I say patience?? Patience with yourself and with your husband and the whole MLC journey.
I would heartily recommend that you be kind to yourself, eat when you are hungry (supplements if you are not), sleep when tired but rest when you can and get some exercise - even a 20 minute walk a day will give you some head space and some energy to face the day's challenges ahead.
Arm yourself with knowledge and set yourself some goals which are for you and you alone - you will emerge a stronger person if you grab this opportunity to grow through this crisis.

lalxx

I am really wondering how someone just flips a switch and any good from the past is now bad. Suddenly - in an instant - my world is really silent! He was my best friend - we did everything together - and enjoyed it! We had typical strife (work, money, kids) - but we seemed to be on the same page.
My parents divorced late in life - and to be honest - it is still a problem. I know I'm projecting but I don't know how I will live day to day knowing that he has created a new life for himself with someone else. I get up and go to work everyday and smile for my kids and friends - but by Saturday and Sunday the numbness takes over and I am at a loss! Is this "normal" for this new world?

Yes, it is very normal to feel the way that you do. You are in the grieving process and it all takes time. Some days, you'll feel okay, and others...well, it will take everything you have to muster up enough energy to get out of bed.

Take it one minute at a time, one hour and then one day. Do what you feel is necessary to keep yourself going. Don't sweat the small stuff....if something can wait a day or so, then let it slide if you are not up to doing it at that time.

Above all else, be kind to yourself.

I've been spending a lot of time today reading the resources and keeping up with new posters and "tenured" posters - looking at their original situations. The sadness is overwhelming for me - I had no idea how pervasive MLC really is. I am trying to envision my life as a single - and it is devastating for me! All I've ever wanted to "be" was a great wife and mother! And to think that the wife part is now going to be taken - I can't breathe! I know that I am blessed to have the external pieces in place (job, friend, family, etc.) - but to lose my H is like losing a part of myself! I am on day 48 since the "bomb" was dropped - since then no affection / H sleeps on couch sometimes or sleeps in bed with own bed linens??? so that there is no physical contact! He is in his office 10-12 hours a day (yes even on weekends). "Trying to make himself happy" - but of course he would often use the office as a place to engage in the phone sex chat lines! He says he is not engaging in this - but who really knows?
I do not mention R at all / I figure he wants it he needs to take control of it. There is a part of me that wonders if his remorse is so overwhelming that breaking away is the only way to rid himself of the guilt. Like being with me is constant "re-traumatizing" or reminders of his immoral choices.
As you can tell - I am overwhelmed! I see an IC weekly - but I'm not doing enough work on detachment.
No responses needed - just venting!

Vent away. I just wanted to tell you that detachment does not happen right away. It takes time. So, don't beat yourself up about it.

This is hard stuff. Very hard. Take it one day at a time. Try not to look too far into the future. One cannot know what it holds.

Keep the focus on you and your youngest. Be kind to yourself. Keep busy. Eat. Rest. Pray if you are inclined.

Knowledge is power, so read up on MLC and internet addiction. Just dont let him see that you are. They tend to get angry if you tell them.

You can do this. One step at a time.

Brooklyn that is such good advice to IB - one step at a time. I am 8 months post bomb drop and still have days when I need to remind myself to get through this day.

keep doing what you are doing IB - you are strong and insightful and this will put you in good stead as you travel this bumby road.

It will get easier with time but in the meantime just breathe in and out, one breath at a time.

One thing which helped me when I had long weekends ahead and my mind was racing at a million miles an hour was a time line of my marriage - in particular the last 4 years as I think my husband's MLC has been really gathering strength since then. Seeing everything plotted out in multi colour showed me such a lot and helped me find peace in my brain as the thoughst were out on the page and would be there forever. I still add to it as something pertinent arises and it shows me my husband's journey is not yet done and he is in turmoil. I feel compassion towards him.
lalxx

Irish,

There are a lot of things that YOU will have to work through for yourself during this time.

In the event that your M makes it to the other side, YOU need to be as healed and healthy and whole of a person as you can because even at that point, your H, will still be pretty broken.

He has done some things, things that most people would be ashamed of, or at least would want to keep very private.

You have to find a way to deal with them. To either decide if you can honestly and truly forgive him, which means never mentioning them again, or if they are going to be deal breakers if the you two reconcile. Because those things, if they are things that will be brought up, will hurt you both down the road.

I know this sounds like an impossible task, and to be honest, when I read your intro, I was not sure if I would be able to be supportive. Because I don’t know if I would have the intestinal fortitude to forgive and to not hold onto judgement in the same situation.

I am very glad that you have been to the doctor, and at this point, I would suggest, no physical contact (they do sometimes attempt it), simply to ensure that you don’t end up with any unwanted surprises. If your M reconciles, that is something you can deal with (the medical aspect of it) then.

IMO, you really need to not worry about your H at all right now, and really try to take some time to decide if you CAN do this. Not if you want to or not, in your case, at this point, I almost think it is not important right now. You can figure out if you want to or not down the road.

CAN YOU, forgive all of the infidelities, the immoral acts, the lies? CAN YOU?

I am sorry that I am the big party pooper here, but if I was in your shoes, this is where I would have to start.

E - when you say that "she is in a crisis" - does the MLCr need to admit the crisis or is it always the LBS that "names" the crisis?
Sorry if this isn't an appropriate post - just new to this whole BB thing!

IB

The MLCer will not know he/she is in MLC. They know things are in turmoil and they are very unhappy and blame the spouse. You cannot explain to them as they will deny it. They have to work it out for themselves.


Always keep the forum away from your H and any books, articles or info you have. To let H see it comes across as manipulation and pursuing on your part. The info you have is to enable you to detach and let go of the rope giving your H space to heal and move along the tunnel in his own time.

Don't discuss MLC at all with him!

Hi IB,
I just read your story and my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry that you are in this difficult position. When the bomb first dropped on my head I looked everywhere for support and inspiration. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that as horrendous as it is - every experience presents an opportunity. This is the link to a favorite piece I listened to over and over again at the beginning:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVx6H68Siww

It's a tough spot - you have to try to move on but only by moving through. You can't gloss over the grief but you also shouldn't wallow in it. It's a tricky balance. I find I'm walking that tightrope daily. I think creating a list of resources for yourself will be helpful (e.g., your IC, this board, your family, your friends, new activities). Above all else take what you know about yourself and how you function in crisis and use that knowledge to help sustain you as you live through this painful time in your life.

I wish you peace.

A

Listen to Libby, that was some good stuff.