I always try to encourage betrayed spouses to take a good, hard, honest look at THEMSELVES, and also their spouse's pre-affair marital complaints, and use this time for some serious introspection about what GENUINELY needs to be improved in their relationship style, communication, habits, etc.
That is good advice. I have tried to do that and I really think I have done 180's in all her areas of complaints, but it didn't matter anyway. She said if I had started doing these things 5 years earlier, she knows we would be in a different place, but it is too late. I think her mind was made-up from the beginning, even though she says it wasn't.
I also wanted to work on marriage building exercises in the beginning. Goals, expectations, communication, needs expression, but she said she didn't need to, they wouldn't help, they didn't apply to her situation, etc., etc. She says her feelings for me are gone and she "knows" that will never change. She said, "ILYBINILWY, you know?" I said, no, I don't understand that. "I don't love you like I should love my husband." Ok?
We've never really communicating effectively on a deep, emotional level. Then she kept everything bottled-up and built-up resentments that she can't get over. She didn't communicate what she needed well enough for me to understand. When I asked why she didn't ask me for help, she said "I shouldn't have to. I told you I was overwhelmed. I don't know how you could let someone you love get so run down. I don't think you ever really loved me or you wouldn't have let that happen."
In my mind, I was very happy, but she says I was a grump and emotionally unavailable. I tried to make sure my needs were met, but I know now that didn't do enough to make sure her needs were met. That should have been my focus. I gave her what I thought she wanted, but that turned out to be what I wanted, not what she wanted. I assumed we wanted the same things, but apparently that wasn't the case.
She also has her own self-esteem and unrealistic expectations issues to deal with. There is nothing more that I can do except to honor her wishes and let her make her own choices.
She is being so nice to me (as usual) that I am having a hard time trying to figure out the balance between showing her support and "being gone". On the one hand, since we had so many communication issues, I want to show her that I can communicate with her, be a better dad and better husband. On the other hand, I need to be gone to show her I am strong and able to move on without her.
I'm going out on Friday night to a music festival in Milwaukee, about 45 min away from home. Was debating staying fairly sober and coming home or staying at a friends overnight.
I think she is trying to plan to do something with just her and the kids this week-end, but she hasn't told me anything yet. I think she wants to surprise me and just tell me that she and the kids will be gone once it is planned. Trying to stick it to me?
I got an appointment to see a very good childrens counselor next week, so we will be waiting until after that appointment to tell the kids it is offical, but they know something is up. I was hoping she would snap out of this and we would never have to tell them anything other than we weren't getting along for a while, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
Here is an e-mail exchange we had this morning. Did I play this right?
W - I meant to ask you this a.m. if you told the neighbors what is going on? I just want to know so I'm not playing dumb if Michele says anything.
Me - I asked Michelle if you had been talking to her at all because I heard you had told her that you didn't love me like you feel you should a while back. She said the two of you hadn't been talking hardly at all lately, but that you used to talk all the time. She said something about you changed when you started losing all the weight and she feels like she has lost a friend.
I didn't get into all the details with them, but I did tell them that you aren't happy and are about done with me. Michelle said maybe it won't get to that, but I said I doubted it, because your mind is made up.
W - I was typically the one to make the effort and call her to see how things were going. I still do at times, but she typically does not do the same. I would hardly call what we had "talking all the time" She quit selling Avon too, so that made a difference. The fact is she had a baby and I never hang with the neighbors in cold weather months.
Anyway, not sure why I feel the need to defend myself. The weight stuff is ridiculous. I'm sick of defending my weight loss to people. You see me eat. I can chow down with the best of them. I have read on-line, (oh no here I go again) that stress causes people to release certain chemicals in their body that increases metabolism, whatever, who knows. I've probably acted somewhat depressed if anything, because of what we are and have been going through. Maybe I'm better off keeping to myself.
Me - You don't need to defend yourself to anyone. You need to do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. I think Michelle just misses talking with you, regardless of the reasons or who initiated contact. You are a great person to talk with. You are kind, caring and show empathy for people. It's fun to hang out with you, because you are a great person! You are right, it should be up to both people to maintain the relationship, but it doesn't always happen that way. It's like with Rick. If we talk with him it is because we call him. I'm not sure he has ever initiated contact in the 11 years he has been gone. Lots of people are like that. Me too at times. I don't think Michelle probably even thinks about it. She is busy and so are you. I haven't talked to Steve Karmas again in years either. It happens.
I'm sure that the stress of the situation has contributed to your weight loss. I know that it has contributed to mine too. I'm sorry you are under so much stress. I had hoped things were settling down for you a bit, but I guess not, and I really don't know what to do to help you relax either. Michelle did say you are awfully thin, but really she just thought the reduction in contact coincided with the timing of the weight loss, she wasn't commenting on it as a problem. It's probably just a coincidence. Maybe that is when she stopped selling Avon too.
I hope the rest of your day goes better. See you tonight.
Me - You don't need to defend yourself to anyone. You need to do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. I think Michelle just misses talking with you, regardless of the reasons or who initiated contact. You are a great person to talk with. You are kind, caring and show empathy for people. It's fun to hang out with you, because you are a great person!
OK, let me be the first to say it:
"Blcccccch!" ((((spew))))
Congratulations -- you just put your stamp of approval to her affair.
She says I have beaten down her self-esteem with all of the things I have done to her, so I thought I was trying to help her build it back-up again. I thought it would make her like me again.
Greek said that words of affirmation would be good. I've never been good at doing that, so I thought this was a good opportunity.
She thinks everyone in the neighborhood is judging her and I have slanted them all against her, but I haven't and they aren't.
((((spew))))