Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

Happy 30th Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey,

So much is happening, can't keep up or get on here.

Real quick:

Had convo with WH yesterday about all that's going on. He brought it up. I cried afterwards. Will tell you more later.

Today he was over and some of my friends came over. They were initially really icy with him! He was . . hurt, I think. They were polite when they left. He doesn't get that people would be angry at him. I want to explain... um, hello, my principal saw you with coworker girl the night you made out with her! You didn't just betray me, you betrayed my whole workplace!

K, will tell ya more later.

Gatsby, sorry to hear you cried after talking to your H. I will check back later to see what you talked about.

Yeah- it is bizarre how they don't get why people would be angry with them! I don't know if it's because "look, I am here being a father to my baby! I didn't abandon my baby and I am helping my wife! I'm not terrible!" and not thinking of the fact that they DID abandon us while we were pregnant and cheated on top of it! Sorry, showing up after the birth doesn't erase the fact that you were a selfish jerk during the pregnancy! (referring to all of our Hs of course, not just picking on yours)

Hi G!
First week at home with a newborn - no wonder you can't update much . How's it going with WH? I'm hoping the conversation that made you cry was a step in a good direction...Taking it as a good sign that he was still at your place the next day.
Good that your friends were icy. That's being honest, right?
And I suppose WH has been so caught up in his own drama, he's not yet fully aware of how he has been perceived outside his own bubble!
Update us again when you can!

So caught up in his own drama, exactly. Like Allen said a while back, my WH is a drama queen!!

Okay, I will probably not finish this with baby waking up soon and family walking in. I also don't think I'm remembering everything.

Convo:

+ Wanted to talk about things.
+ Difficult time for him, trying to figure out his life.
+ Hates his job, it's meaningless and it's "not him"
+ Feels like he's been off-track for the past 5 years
+ Knows that at the beginning he said this was about me (not wanting to be with me for the past 5 years) but now he knows it's about him
+ Talking to friends about his sitch
+ One friend said that he may be part of a small group of people who are unhappy and will never find peace. He hopes that he's part of a smaller group who is unhappy but can find his peace.
+ Saw a job posting in Ethiopia that he thinks he could find meaning in
+ Wants to be able to talk to me about this sort of thing

Oh yeah, and he said he "drove me away." I was like what do you mean? He said that he treated me so poorly that I left. I didn't say much. He keeps saying this. Yes, I moved out. But I didn't leave! It's like he wants to believe that soooo much.

Posting but will post again in a sec.

I started to say that I wasn't interested in the large group of people (men) who just want to be married with kids. (We're talking suburbs, mowing the lawn, that sort of thing that is not bad but is just not us.) I said I wanted someone different.

He got up from the table and changed the subject. So I have no idea what that means. Did he not want to hear about the kind of man I want? Does he want to believe so bad that I left him that he doesn't want to hear otherwise?

I don't know.

So I went on a walk after our talk. He seemed happy to get stuff off his chest. I cried, mostly about the Ethiopia thing. I knew it could happen, but it frustrates me. I want to travel abroad and live abroad as a family. He wants to be a singleton. So it's frustrating.

What also bothered me is that he is totally H. So totally completely H right now. Not WH. He's showing up on time, communicating, trying to help me out (ahem, get me WATER), being apologetic. So it's hard to see that he's his regular self and he's still saying the same thing. He wants to be single.

I do still think there's hope for him to change his mind.

There's a guy on facebook who lives overseas and makes a sh!t-ton of money who is a year older than me. He has posted a bunch on my page lately, congratulations on the birth, happy birthday, liking my photographs. I think I'm going to write him. He's actually a childhood aquaintance that WH knows. So I think I'm going to drop hints to WH that I'm striking up a convo with this guy. I think that will get WH moving more quickly. Because I really won't wait around.

Posting again and then getting to the friend thing.

Exactly. And yes, I'm glad my friends were icy. He has GOT to understand that he didn't just affect me and baby. He affected a huge group of people. It's not just his drama and his "personal revolution." His actions have hurt people, have changed his reputation, have ruined others' trust in him. Even if I forgive him, and I can, many other people WON'T.

He was so excited to see my one friend yesterday. "Oh, I haven't seen her in a long time!" he said. I was like, "DUH!!!!!!" So I guess this was a little WH-ey of him. Geez, so oblivious!

It's been good having him around, though. He's cooking for us A LOT and we're watching movies and 'hanging out.' With his mom and my mom there of course, and other family too.

Oh, and yesterday after the friends were icy and my mom made some snide remarks, he got really insecure about the baby. He changed her diaper

Why are all of our sitches so complicated? Your H is not cheating, he just wants to find himself and move to Ethiopia? Wow. Very tough!

I will be so curious to hear of his reaction when you chat up that guy on FB.

So is your H's identity wrapped up in his job- I mean can dissatisfaction with his work be what is causing him to doubt who he is and what his purpose is? If that makes any sense.

Are all of our H's dreading getting older? Feeling confined by a wife and kids? Is that why they are running away? I mean 2 are cheaters and the other 2 want to be alone. Sorry, I am rambling.

So if your H goes off to Ethiopia, I wonder if it would help him realize how blessed he is to have you and your daughter and want a family after all.

Gatsby, it is great to hear that you are enjoying your time with H and your daughter and it sounds like he is enjoying himself, too. I think you will end up together but it just might take longer than a couple of months...you know?

i couldn't finish my story from earlier! I finished the word diaper and then someone walked in and I submitted and 'x'd out!

i know, i should send that guy a message soon so I can tell WH that we're messaging. Ha ha ha, kinda funny!

I think my WH is MLC all the way. Just early and surrounding the pregnancy. So I think he's dissatisfied with every part of his life. Feeling confined? Definitely my WH. Def.

I don't know if he'll actually go through with the Ethiopia thing, but it just hurts to know he wants to do that alone. We talked about traveling together.

It might take more than couple months, yep. I'm giving him 'til Jan 19, 2011. That's his bday and it's just about a year from all of this stuff. So we'll see.

Totally agree that these WHs are a complicated bunch! Holy cow - he is in crisis for sure or just plain immature.

That bit about you leaving and therefore ending the M is just nonsense - excuses.

I totally relate to how upset you are that he wants to do Ethiopia on his own...

Do you reckon there's a chance he is just dribbling on, G?

Maybe instead of denying him what he wants, you could validate him and say how much you understand what he wants and needs... I don't see why you couldn't add that you're sorry he doesn't want you to join him, but that you want him to be happy etc so go ahead etc etc. And say it nicely. Maybe if you take away the feeling of being confined, he'll loosen (and wisen) up?

He said it himself - he wants to be able to talk to you about these things. He wants your validation or help or advice or something.

I know..it feels like coddling him a bit...he should be acting like a responsible man and sucking it up, but he's not going to do it under more pressure and by being attacked..

What do others think?