Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC, H and me

Dear OP

I've begun a thread under Patience is my Mantra.

Thank you.

Hi Twiglet!

I will try and catch up on your sitch tomorrow!

ok guys...needing some input...this is what I have been pondering the last couple of days...

So....needing some adivce here..

My H filed for a D the end of Feb. When I asked him about telling the kids, he freaked and said "this is what you expected isn't it?"

(I had had the talk with him..."you will need to make a decison. i choose our M but I won't live in an open M" (this was before I knew about MLC). H took that as make a choice...he chose OW.)


H was approached about a LS instead of a D after his and my L talked and he flatly refused...this was in April...no further action has been taken by H.

I counter-filed, on the recommendation from my L, and it was sent to H's L 6 weeks ago...we have not heard a peep...my L said that H does not have to respond.

This is what I am thinking...


The house I live in now, is old and big. It is in the need of repair. It has a huge yard. I had a market analysis done on it and we are upside down on our loan. I told this to H and he was shocked and suprised. Told him that I didn't think that we could afford to stay here, child support would cover house payment, that is it. Told him that I was thinking of moving to the town that the kids go to school in...he said that he didn't mean for any of this to happen. In spite of me telling him this, he has still been out cutting wood for out wood stove...denial? He said at that time that he'd help out with stuff and keep bringing wood.

I know that I cannot count on his help (ex. the tree limb that fell that he has not helped with at all, the window a/c that he hasn't been back to fix) and I certainly wouldn't expect his help after our D!!!

My boss, has found a house that she is thinking of investing in and wants me to consider doing a land contract on. It is in the town the kids go to school in, it is in need of nothing as far as repair etc...it is cheap. It would be around $300 less a mo. than my current house payment.

My issue is, I would have to abandon the house that I am in right now...I could hand it over to H and be done. Since January, I have gone thru $5000 from my savings to continue to make ends meet here. If, there was a guarantee that H would come out of his MLC and come home, I would gladly go thru the rest of my savings to remain here, but since there is not a guarantee....

I guess I am putting this out there to find out what any of you would do in my situation?

To me, IF I do this, it is part of moving "forward" (not moving on). I would be moving forward in the best interest financially for me and easiest as far as having the kids closer to school and activities and their brother. I would have to talk to my L and find out what this would do to my credit etc and how to proceed first before I do anything.

I am thinking of having a "business" meeting with H to discuss a couple of things, would I tell him about this?



This is my fear:

I can't help but wonder, even with everything I have read, that H MIGHT think of this as me moving ON and would think that the door is shut for any reconciliation.

CW, first of all,


If we look at facts alone, the house is a money pit for you and causes you more stress to take care of than you need--therefore, IMO, it makes sense for you to move into another house that you can afford.

If you give your H the house, the sucky part is that he and OW might move into it!!!! But the benefit is that if/when you R, you all can move right back into the house! It never left. (but seriously- if he sells it, then does it really matter where you end up living if/when you reconcile? not really! :-) )



I do get this!!!!! You are validated!!! But let's flush this out a little more.

You will have a business meeting with your H and explain that you simply can't afford to stay in the house. And that it is way to much work. And that he is too busy to be able to help you. So, who wouldn't move out of the house?

Moving into another home doesn't really mean you wouldn't reconcile! It is for financial reasons...there is no other "man" involved, and you aren't leaving to make a point of doing it to rid yourself of the marriage.

My IC has told me time and again that our actions can be totally misunderstood by our spouse (and vice versa) UNLESS we explicitly tell them why we are doing it!

So what do you think? You aren't lying, or playing a game- you honestly can't afford to live there! Nothing to do with your relationship!

Ok am sending you an email about part 2!

CW - This is a big decision. But you are right, first thing that you should do is to check how abandoning the house would reflect on your credit rating.

However you both jointly own the house and are responsible for the payments, so if you leave it he will have to step up and take care of it or his credit rating would suffer as well. Do you think that he would walk away from it?

If you both abandon the mortgage, the bank will reposes the house and try to sell it, even at a loss. You may still be liable for the difference between what the bank gets for it and what you owe. I think time to talk to a lawyer about that.

Another option would be to refinance the house and reduce your monthly payments, would that be possible?

I would gather as much information as you could and have a "business meeting" with your H and present him with the facts and figures and some options. It's in his interest as well to get this sorted out.

I don't think that he would take this that you are giving up on marriage....it's just matter of survival for you and your kinds and you can tell him that.

Thankyou NM and Mila...lots to think about

Just went and looked at the house myself to see if it would be something I would even be interested in. It is cute...there are cosmetic things I would change in the future but I can see myself living there.

I guess I have to bring myself to call H...ugh

Mila, my H was all full of energy and plans to get over to our rental house and get it rady to rent and mowed last Sat....he has yet to get it mowed...I don't know what he would do with this house...he is still in the "I don't want any responsibilities" stage.

CW, My H is in that stage as well, yet he doesn't seem to want to give it up (property) either. Maybe it's just the confusion???

Do what you have to do to help you and the kids survive and have a life. It'll ultimately come down to your decision because you're the only one steering the ship right now. Take care of you.

(((Hugs)))

Hi SA! I think that it is part of the confusion!

I tried calling my L to talk to her about all of this and she is out of the office until Tuesday.

I am taking that as a sign to slow down a little on all of this!!! I was feeling a little pressured to hurry up and I just can't do anything until I know more about where this divorce is going and what will happen financially!

Plus, I am wondering if all this if handling things around here isn't part of my journey that I am supposed to be taking and by just moving I would be taking the easy out/running away from the issues here! Just thinking out loud!

Our local town is celebrating this weekend with lots of activities, street dance, carnival etc and have to work at a booth on Sunday so am going to just put this in the back of my head for now and enjoy the weekend!

I just got this on my FB page


Thought for the Day: “The trials and tribulations we face help us appreciate the triumphs when God brings them into our lives.” Have a sensational day today everyone! – Elmer Laydon


Again with the timing....

CW, Loved the thought for the day!

Yes, do enjoy the weekend. Our problems didn't happen in a day and we won't solve them in a day either. There is plenty of time to find solutions and work them out. The right answers will come to you when they're supposed to.

Have fun!!!

BTW - How did your H feel about your house and property before the bomb?