Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Surviving the Big D STINKS!

Hi everybody--

I've been reading your posts for many months and haven't posted along with you. Now it's time for me to ante up.

I'm 34 (going on 35) and my STBXH is 30. We have no children.

We met in July 1998, when he was just about to start college and I was just about to finish. We moved in together in May 2002. We moved from an apartment to a house in November 2004. We married in December 2007. He left in April 2009.

For the first 7 months, he told me he "just needed time". Then, on 10/21/09, he emailed me that he "wanted nothing, just out".

We didn't communicate - not a word - for over 2 months. It was during that time that I discovered DB.

He contacted me at the end of December 2009 and I thought he wanted to reconcile. He was "so sorry" and he "love(s)(d) me so much". There was more after that; I won't recap it now. In any case, for a while at least, I thought we had a real chance of making it through this hellhole.

Fake reconciliation nothwithstanding, Mr. A proceeded to file for divorce on 3/15/10. We last saw each other on 5/12/10, in a divorce pretrial conference. We will be divorced this Wednesday, 6/23/10.

I've DB'd my a** off and spent countless days and $$ on phone coaching, individual therapy, relationship books, etc. I thought I was making progress personally, whatever the outcome. Now that we're just a couple of days away from the actual D, I am OUT OF CONTROL. Everything is making me cry. One minute I think I'm feeling truly content and grateful for all of my blessings, and then the next minute I want to move to a cave in Tibet and tell everyone IRL to FO. All I can say is that this sucks.

I still can't believe that Mr. A made this choice for both of us. I mean, I really can't wrap my mind around it. WFT?!?!

So that's my first personal post. I will add more if and when there's more to say. Thanks for reading this far!

Sincerely,
Crazy Mrs. A

Hi Mrs. A. You're not crazy, D is like a death, it needs to be grieved and I'm sure your emotions are all over the place. I'm so sorry this is the outcome but you've come to a good place here in Surviving! The one thing the DBing did for me was to help me build a life outside my M which helped me immensely in adjusting. It also helped me to recognize that I did everything possible to save the M, I can look in the mirror! It sounds like you did everything you could too. We can't control others and much of the time we can barely control ourselves Keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. You will get through this, we all do.

Thanks, Whatisis. That means a lot. I hear you on the doing-everything-possible-to-save-the-marriage part, but I still have a really long way to go on the build-a-life part! Aargh!
Anyway, thank you very much for your kind words...

Sorry, Mrs. A.
Truly. I identify with your unbearable pain, frustration over the futility of all the effort you expended and your "FO, World!" attitude.

You are not crazy. You are human. You are normal. You are good.

You have been misled and discarded by the one person in this world who would/should NEVER have done such a thing. Something you wouldn't have done in a million years.

It is the worst of pains. It is trauma. It is unbearable.

And you will survive it. And heal. And thrive.

Keep working on you. Stay here with us. We will help.

Gardener, that's so nice of you to say. I need to catch up on your sitch, but you seem to have your head in the right place. Good job! I'm going to look at your thread now...

BTW - thanks!

Mrs. A

Hi, Mrs. A. I'm so sorry you are here I remember when you posted on my thread in the infidelity forum...thank you for your support! I am here with you now and I COMPLETELY relate to the wild fluctuation of emotions that you described.

So far, I have read the first few pages of a couple of posters' threads and found the validation I have been seeking so I hope it helps you as well! Post away. This suuuuucccckkkkks but because we have done so much work, it will hopefully make us healthier in the long run.

Dear M. A..

Crazy? I think not. Caught in a roller coaster of feelings.. emotionally chaos, blindsided, beliefs smacked upside the head, wrenching loss? All part of the disintegration of a marriage for the one who didn't initiate it.

Although you've been separated for months, from the time of being served to the legal ending of the marriage has been very short. Very, very short. Processing this takes time.

On the upside, although divorce is emotionally devastating in your case you'll probably walk out financially secure.

I feel your pain. It takes time and perspective. Many times the agony felt with shock of a spouse leaving opens the can for other emotional wounds buried, making the process even more gut wrenching.

The more you can deal with the muck, the better you'll feel even if you don't recognize it. Friends and people you barely know will say how much better you look, how your eyes are clearer. The body often shows the positive effects before the heart catches up.


Welcome aboard to one of the worst times in your life that help you evolve to the person you're meant to be.

You're worth it!

*hugs*

Mrs. A, somebody posted this link on newcomers, it's a little prayer for our ex's. I think it might give you a smile, so I re-post it for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rn041uWncU

Hey there, Ms. A -
Sorry you are at this place, but I want to offer you a little encouragement to look at this in a different light.

He may have done you a favor.

My H and I reconciled after his infidelity early in our marriage. Had three kids and I had to watch them suffer through his subsequent infidelity and our recent divorce.

I'm now 54 and dating. And believe it or not, although I loved my husband madly all those years, I don't miss him a bit now. My life is full and much happier now that I'm not dealing with his drama.

And like you, I have peace in my heart knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage.

I recommend finding a project you can focus on for a while. With H's last infidelity, I trained to climb Mt. Whitney. With the divorce, I bought a drum set and learned to play the drums in a rock band (oh yes I DID ).

Ask yourself, what have you always wanted to do? And then do it. It's wonderful for helping you to stop dwelling. (And yes, I'm an in-control kind of person too, I had a really hard time accepting I couldn't fix things. But someone said "let go or be dragged" - and once I let go of my expectations, everything got better )

Ellie

hilarious song!!!! What a surprise! (the prayer)