Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Hell has frozen over.........not sure i like it??

Buffet,

I've made it all the way through your first thread and partially through your second. And this one.

What a mind fuch!

I have no advice to offer, but I do say good luck and best wishes!

Sincerely,
Mrs. A

Please tread carefully, Buffet. I hope I'm not out of line here, but I'm really skeptical of this big of a change. She hasn't done any counseling or anything, right? No real work yet on her part to take a good look at herself and what she did?

My POV sees a woman who got dumped by her OM, her family isn't rescuing her, and now she set her sights on you to do just that. I'm worried that's her real motive- she sees you as the emergency back-up plan when the fantasy fell thru, and she'll say anything for you to take her back and set her back up in a comfy lifestyle. In which case, this will all happen again...

Please be careful- you know her better than any of us and maybe she is being honest. Follow Puppy's plan to help you figure that out.

Hugs, Bunny

This could be 6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other.

I know in my case, my (x)W was tetter tottering at all times, and basically only 'using' OM to get back at me. In our retrospect conversations, the times it seemed as if she was reaching out to me, she in fact was. After the D went through, she really started to fall apart and reached out one more time in the proceeding months, but I had had enough, like Buffet here.

This finally degraded all interaction between her and OM as during the entire 18 month seperation and D, she would sit up at night, crying and carrying on over us, the M and loss of family as a whole. Our D went through in June, and I cut my ties and became a WAS in my own right by mid July. Come October, and what would have been our 11th anniversary, she made up her mind fully, as Buffet and others would say, she came out of the fog, and wanted to make the wrong things right. Buh-bye OM. Then spent until Thanksgiving to work the courage up to begin to slowly start to spew her intentions out, afterall, at that point, if it wasn't about the kids, I had zero desire to hear anything else from her.

Point is, people CAN have a genuine "change" of heart. I quote change, because, it's not really a change. They knew what was right and wrong all along.

Agreed, only Buffet will know 100% by his XW's actions and statements if she is in fact doing this for the sincere reasons. Truthfuly, the night (x)W and I spent hashing all this out, I went into VERY skeptical. I watched every move, every reaction, listened to every word. Most of all, I stared her in the eyes all night long, making sure it wasn't an act worthy of winning an academy award.

And here I am, near 8 months later, in an entirely new wonderful relationship with her, engaged to "re"marry her. Isn't that what THIS, this site, the books and the concept in it's entirety is all about?

Buffet, only you know. If the two of you can sit there and discuss and disclose EVERYTHING in honesty and with ZERO finger pointing, It's definately worth a shot. Word of caution tho, should you get back together with her, relations with friends and family will be strained and you will hear some vial things from them and potentially have to drop out of favor with them. I didn't get one, not one call or text or card from anybody in my family. I guess I'm the black sheep again as I was as a troubled teen. Even had a serious blow out where I had to set the record straight that it is MY life, it MY choice, and it is MY risk I am taking. Not theirs. I have my faults in why our M failed. But did it fail in all reality? hmmmm. All I can say is I know this woman inside and out including that "person" she became and know when and how to stop that from happening again. And I love her with all my heart more than I EVER have. Has it been all peaches and cream along the way? No. But it's so worth it.

Best of luck in whatever you chose. I guess I'm the only optimist for you at this point.

"After some persisitance I agree to meet and she lays on me how she cannot believe what she has done and she was taken advantage of by OM, and fell for it hook line and sinker"

Buffet, I'm not real convinced when she blames her actions on OM, how HE took advantage of her and how she FELL FOR IT hook line and sinker. Where's her responsibility, who made that choice? The rest was about how her family won't talk to her etc. I don't hear any recognition of the suffering she's put you through or that she was WRONG or anything else that smacks of remorse. Go slow...real slow!

Dday, you are not the only optimist here. Buffet just needs to take this very slow and see what it is he really wants. It is clear to me that something in him still wants to work it out.

Buffet, if my ex ever truly showed remorse and wanted back in I would have a hard time NOT exploring that option. With little kids in the picture, if you can ultimately have a good new relationship with your wife, they get to have their family back together. Win-win. That is, IF she can make lasting changes and you can let go of resentment.

hey everyone, thanks for the responses i really appreciate all of them. I have been out of town on a work trip the last couple days so alot of time to kind of think this over.

BBJ i think "gets it" in regards to the having kids and the emotional pull to make things work in spite of everything for their sake.

But I share the same sense of apprehension in regards to her real motivation for this, I am looking forwar to getting home and doing some intel as to more reasons for this apparent change of heart.

Puppy---i have read many of your posts to others and you mention the transparency and having at least 1 check point built in that she is not aware of--what kinds of ideas do you suggest or have you heard of before. I am not living with her, or at this point even actively seeing her. Before her cell phone and e-mail were my sources of intel, but now I would/will not have access to this?

This is definately confusing, not harder than what has happened already but definately a pretty surreal feeling at this point, i just dont know if that light that i see is sunshine, or a mack truck coming down the tunnel at me..........???

So it has been a while and i have been checking in on others but not typing as I mull things over.......

XW still stands by her "want to reconcile" more than ever and i will give her that it has been constant for about a month now. Problem is i don't know still a few things 1) If I WANT it 2) If it is POSSIBILE and 3) How to go about it if i decided to.

So i guess some questions for the day for you guys

1) What would "conditions" be for any of us to consider jumping back into the pool with the XW or XH be? How could you "get over it" and move on to a healthy relationship

2) Assuming 1 is taken care of, how do you even start again? I mean sounds corny but how would you "be in a relationship" with the X again---going out to dinner, hanging out, kissing, sex, etc.... Seems very foreign and weird at this point.
Is this something that cannot be forced and needs to happen, or is it something that needs to be forced at first at least in order to just happen??

Also, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it?....................!!

Hi Buffet,

Just read your latest and just as I was about to answer I heard Dr Phil say Ïf you are reconsidering your divorce, trying to figure out how to handle the kids, the infidelity etc - be sure to visit my website at www.drphil.com

OK, well I am telling you from my own experience. My husband, after living with OW for 3 months, came home. Wanted to work things out. Would do whatever it took. Broke up with OW. Promised no contact with her etc. And it was what I wanted. So he moved back in. I was ecstatic. He did what I required - reading Äfter the Affair, agreed to counselling. yada yada yada. But in my case -- it did not last. It did not work out. He was in withdrawal. He cried constantly. It was like OW was a drug. He would go for a walk and call her. He was seeing her within 2 days. And she was a vulture and never stopped pursuing him for one minute. He did not go to counselling. Once he left the 2nd time - he says because I could never forgive him and he couldn't look our kids in the eye - he never looked back. He made her promises that he would never leave her again. And they got married. and he is nasty to us. And an absent dad. And his OW is a taunting bitch. I think they deserve each other.

OK, enough about me...

I would require proof of no contact. I would insist on joint counselling and go regularly for at least 3 months before considering moving back in together. You would have to learn to trust her again and she should be sensitive enough to realize how important it was to prove herself over and over again.

Rebuilding would be slow. And there would be backsteps and you'd have to know that and expect that and not throw in the towel when little things went wrong. You'd have to date. See where it went. Make no promises.

My good lifelong friend had this whole scene happen to her 3 months ago. Her H, who had been living with OW for the past year (and never paid her any support at all), broke up with OW and wanted to return home. never anything about loving HER - seemed more about the house, earning his kids'respect again etc. My friend declined his offer. I could not blame her. He had treated her like a dog. A month later he committed suicide. Not to scare you with that - he made his choice. His depression was not being treated. he did not go to counselling. She and the girls will be in counselling for the rest of their lives.

Your son is so young. If there was any chance of saving your marriage and keeping an intact family - it would be in his best interest. It would not be easy. I'm not even suggesting it is what is right for you but by all means - if I were you - I would explore this option. I would give it my best shot and pray that she would too.

I hope this helps. I hope you will check out Dr Phil and see what he has to say. And I hope with all my heart that yours is a marriage that can be saved.

Barb

Thanks Sun--i remember the story of your friend, I actually posted to you with an offer of help from the Insurance side.

I would love to have my family back and intact and I think that my S2 deserves that. Even if it is not 100% perfect right now for me--it is for him and that is worth it.

However, I am not sure about about so many things. Like tonight we were supposed to talk and I called her and no answer no call back--in all probability she fell asleep as it is a bit late, however my head is thinking why didn't she answer? Where is she? Who is she with?

I don't think I could live that way, but I don't see it being better being alone and only having my son half the time to boot.......