Btw, you don't sound like an idiot! Hey, if my wife said she still loved me I'd be flipping all over the place too! Last week me and a couple of male co-workers, all divorced (except myself, of course), were talking on break and I remember saying to one guy that maybe he was the lucky one because his wife got up one morning, told him the M was over, was leaving, "have a nice life" and that was it. No more contact, no fuss, no muss...but who am I to say his pain is any less than mine or anyone elses. There is no lucky in the D game. Hang in there Geronimo, you'll make it.
I'm coming to this board and posting my thoughts, and whining, and telling my stories about how crazy things are - OK let's take a step back. I'm through the process, I'm gonna survive financially, and my custody arrangement is actually great. So. Let's take stock. Things are OK. I'm establishing a routine, getting things straightened out, doing what I need to do. I don't have any more pitfalls to manage, I'm done. And my XW isn't horrible. A lot of you guys are dealing with worse things.
All I need to do now is to figure out how to live my life. Idiot? OK fine, wrong word. I'm not sure I'm progressing. So where does my focus need to be?
I think Bill pointed it out.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
But you can't get past your hurt and betrayal
Regarding XW. I'm not going to cut her out. Sorry, I know myself and I know her, it's not going to happen.
Am I keeping her around just to be angry at her? Well. No.
Yes she broke up the family. Yes she put me through hell. Yes she broke her vows, yes she went off with another guy.
I need to start thinking about forgiveness. Turns out - I don't think this is something you just decide to do. It's going to take effort.
If I really do believe that I am more mature, wiser, and stronger, then I think now this is the thing to do. If I feel that I am stuck, then this is the thing to address.
If I DECIDE that I'm going to maintain contact, and I DECIDE that I need to work on forgiveness, then I really can't get pissed off at what SHE does now. I'm putting myself there. My other choice is to not do so.
And it seems like all the reasons to not to so (and there are a lot of friends and family that encourage me to be angry) are - is this the right word? Vengeful.
Question 2 is what do I want out of this relationship?
Originally Posted By: Bworl
you want things to be the way they were the last time you were happily married. Not going to happen.
God it sucks when someone kicks ya in the ass and you've got to agree with them. Anyway.
OK yeah that point is clear. But beyond that I don't think I'm ready to answer this. But I think the simplest and best answer is peace.
And then there's this:
Originally Posted By: kat727
I hope that before you would even think of reconciling you would want to get to a solid place for yourself. You are both 2 emotional wrecks right now and anything that would resemble getting back together wouldn't work. I mean wouldn't you want to get back together with someone because they wanted you versus thought of you as a way to feel better?
Remember I said I was calling her regularly? She said last night that, when I stopped doing that she panicked. And then she felt like she needed to call me. Much of the conversation last night was about how she's miserable without me.
She's gotta figure that out.
My thoughts are running dry, will continue later when I can render them accurately.
I think by saying that she is miserable without you she is trying to get a conversation started. She may want you to reciprocate that back to her. What if you said, "I am miserable without you also, EXw. I think about you all the time but I need to go through a long period of personal growth before I could make that work."
May not be DB'ing but...
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
It is her perception that I am happier now than when we were married. Which, she says, hurts her a little.
I have not said she should come back, she is not in a place where she is ready to do that. She reiterated last night her belief that things would go back to "the way they were".
In a lot of ways, I am happier now. Her pushing this divorce has driven me to reduce my scope at work, to focus more on the boys, to reach out and be connected to many more people, to go out and do things instead of staying home and try to recover from a stressful job.
There were things about the relationship that were draining. I'm not ready to make a conclusion about that, but OK.
I don't think she's trying to pull that out of me - it's a raw, desperate kind of statement when she says it.
Bill, that's a good suggestion, maybe better than saying nothing.
I do too much of saying nothing.
She said last night too, that I'm the only one she wants to talk to.
Maybe what I need to reconcile is that this isn't going to be a normal relationship. On the other hand, it does not work that I continue to be her - everything? - as we embark into divorced life. For me, or for her.
