Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers reconciliation after divorce?

She wants you, but she doesn't. I still can't convince myself that she's being totally manipulative. Either she's a realllllllly good actress, or she's just a mess. I'm still leaning towards the mess.

AC, ...Over the last few weeks, I find some of what you've told us about her emotional state: I can connect with. Mine having an affair, the way we split up, the deception involved etc etc. And then the whole reconciling part. I'm telling you... even now, I experience some of that intense anger and sadness that you say your W is having.

I don't have any quick and fast answers. Would I, feeling that way... want my husband to pursue me? I don't know. I honestly don't. My 1st husband, nope... easy answer there. This H though... I dunno. I love him, but there's just sooooo much hurt that comes with this package now. I suspect in some ways your wife is in the same place. Can't let go, but can't let go of that anger. Honestly, I don't think it's really YOU she's rejecting... perhaps she's trying to find some peace with this inner acid that keeps eating at her.

OM, won't last... don't need to worry about that. You lasting out past a divorce... and if you're willing to show her the "new you"... only you can answer that. If you choose to do keep trying to get her back, you'd best be prepared to work like a dog to make her feel secure. Being there, just being there... isn't enough. When do you stop paying for your sin?... when she no longer hurts over it. If you can't do that... then don't try. IF you can... then you need to become the man and person that only a total idiot wouldn't want to be with.... and MEAN it. Not just for show... but really become the best "catch" around. Learn about the female's emotional needs, learn about the different ways they view and emotionalize things. Learn, learn, learn.

There's still hope here... she's a mess,... shine a "new light". She'll see it eventually.

*hugs*
Abbey

Agreed with Abbey 150% on everything said as I've been noting the same observations for how long AC? I'm telling you, she's not acting, she is hurting and confused, and now she's gone and done the same thing you did, most likely just to get back at you. Hell, maybe even try that approach with her? "Look I've disrespected you, and after some thought, I can understand why this D and A (at any degree) would seem just to you, fair is fair, can we get past this?"

Abbey,

Curious, you've been back together well over a year now and there's still "sooooo much hurt"?

DD, not to derail, but I've been wondering what to label my next chapter of my life. What and how to post about it. You've given me a lead in, to it. Gonna take a couple of days and collect my thoughts about it and post.

Mean time... AC...?

Abbey

Stepped away from these boards for a bit as I re-entered my life here after being gone for three weeks. Major events have transpired in the last week, but things seem to be improving.

Abbey, DD, PG were all correct...my W has been a mess. We went to the D lawyer last Friday to start the paperwork. That visit acted as a major slap of reality. Over the next few days, W admitted that her mind had been made up to D me for over 9 months, and that she had never given me a chance during all that time. She decided that she had been very unfair, and that she could not bring herself to toss out 19 years of mostly good times. She had steeled herself for D for so long that she saw no other way out of her difficulties. Now she is committed to giving our M another chance, and is committed 100% to reconciliation.

Wow. Major shift from the nightmare rollercoaster of the last number of months. My time here has taught me to not be overly confident and optimistic, so I will call myself cautiously optimistic. We have a long road ahead of us, and much work to do. But at this point, it appears as if both of us are going to try for the first time since the nightmare began.

Everyone's support here has been critical to me, and I hope you are willing to help me through the next stage. Wish me luck!

AC, wonderful news! I wish you good luck! What a huge turn around.

I'm sure you'll get lots of help from the others here on how to move forward with your wife towards reconciliation. Just take it slow and steady.

I'm very happy for you AC! Slow and steady and I know that you'll do great!

Oh AC I'm so happy for you! Although I can appreciate the need to remain cautious in optimism, I am still doing a happy dance for you. This is a huge step, and of course, we'll all be here to support you as you continue your journey!

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously hope that many read this. That you can look through all the bull that is going on in your situations and KNOW, especially in the case of WAW's there is painful emotion behind closed doors, no matter what is going on, even if there is a OP.

Conversly, I also SERIOUSLY hope that many read this and start to keep their own personal feelings about their situations out of their "advise" to others. If AC had listenen to "she's doing this because she's a heartless cheater" or "she's just a flat out liar", this likely would have been another situation ended in the divorce un-busted file. And in saying that, I hope all can rid yourselves of that thinking in your situations, it's only making it worse. Know that deep down, you WAS DOES have feelings. They are not some heartless abductee, "pod person" our what ever simply eff'n ridiculous little name you have for them.

AC, best of luck. You're off to a good start. Take the pace slow and steady. She is frail and can only handle so much. I know you want to jump both feet at the same time, don't. Follow her pace. Get all the 'junk' out in the open and clean it up, but take a break when she gets tired. And most of all, be completely honest and open with each other!

AC, I'm sooooo pleased for you!

Like DD says... slowly. Easy as it goes.

You have a lot of feelings that will crop up because of your journey, as does she. Very very very very slowly. She needs reassurance and lots of it. Her demons aren't gone yet... and both of you will have land mines to deal with. Your mission now is to read and get as much info you can on the "next phase"... how to wade through the mud and the muck. Get a councillor to help you help her and help you and your marriage.

I'm veryyyyy happy for you!
*hugs*
Abbey

Thanks to everyone for your support - it is simply impossible to underestimate how important your assistance has been to me.

We are moving forward, slowly and cautiously. W just left on a 10 day trip to visit an ageold girlfriend, and I think the break and fresh air will do her a world of good. We have talked quite a bit over the past few days, and I am letting her be the one to bring up R or M discussions. I am being very supportive and honest, and letting her know I am here for the long haul. She is very confused and worried that she does not have the "tools" necessary to rebuild our R. Very concerned that she really does not know where to start, uncertain what the future holds. I am offering reassurances, support, and encouragement. Trying to be here for her. We need to move slow and realize this is going to take a long time to get back on track. We start MC when she gets back, and she is the one who brought up the idea of RetroV. Hopefully we can do this that this fall.

I will keep you updated on our progress, and will certainly be seeking advise as we continue down this road.

My fingers are crossed, my optimism is cautious, but my hopes are high. This is going to be a long, long road. But I am here for the long haul.

Again, thank you all so, so much. Keep me/us in your thoughts!