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Radio

Grit says "drop the rope". I could not agree more. When you let her go you give HER the space, time, respect and understanding that she is looking for right now. Yeah she may not feel like she needs it but really she does. She may not see it right now..she will see it later, which is what you want. Later a lot of things can happen.

By letting your actions show that you are giving her what she need there is no need to send the email. No need at all. What it is IMO is you imposing YOUR will on her. This is not what she needs right now.

Please keep focusing on you. You make reference in your email that you were a "fool". How were you a fool? What have YOU done to change it? Telling her alone will not work. Showing her will.

Eric

"Radio I don't know what you wanted to accomplish with this communication but to me it looks like you re trying to impose your will on her and control the situation."

I'm not totally confident of what I was trying to accomplish either. My wife certainly could have interpreted the e-mail as a form of control. I guess I was mostly just trying to get a few things out of my system so I don't build resentment inside myself. Re-reading the e-mail I can totally see how she might interpret it's message in a negative way.

Reality is, my wife has not yet directly acknowledged the e-mail I sent her, nor reacted to it one way or another. She came back from China last Friday, still wearing her wedding ring every day. I know I shouldn't "read" into things too much but, to me, seeing her still wearing the ring after the trip is significant. I just feel that, if she was 'truly' hell bent on taking the EA to another level with DJ, and if she DID have sex with him while in China, she would return with anger, projecting guilt, and definitely not wearing her ring; especially when I essentially drew a line with her in the e-mail I sent her. She may have been 'indifferent' at one point in time throughout this EA/MLC mess. My gut tells me she's hanging on to the marriage but is uncertain and confused on how to move forward (i.e. come to complete terms with her decisions, admit her mistakes, and put in the difficult work it will take to mend our marriage). I could be completely wrong. I just feel the ring is a very telling sign of where her heart and mind lies at this point in time. I pray my instincts are correct. Anyhow, thanks for reading. If you all have any feedback, I'd certaily appreciate it. Thanks.

Remember that Confusion = MLC. Her having the ring on is telling you, and the rest of the world that she is confused. The MLC'er wants it all. They want their cake and they want to eat it too. They don't want you to move off of the spot that they left you in. You are their security blanket. Plan B. In case their world blows up. You shouldn't move.

For her to progress down the tunnel you need to move. You can't stay in one spot. You must lead her through the journey on the path that comes home. If not you both get stuck inside your journies.

Be the light in the lighthose, shining bright marking the path that she needs to travel.

This is not bad.

Just do it here.

Write it and then put your monitor through the shredder.

You are not going to control this AT ALL.

You say you love your W.

You took vows to love and honor her all the days of your life right?

What does that mean to you?

What if you show her what you mean by your actions not words.

How would you want someone to love you?

Only when you're not confused and scared and f@cking up?

We get what we give.

One tough thing is expressing/giving love to my wife when she expresses resentment towards me. How do you all do that? I understand that I should strive for detachment. I think I've read someone use the phrase on this website along the lines of "loving from a distance..." How do you all 'love from a distance' when your MLC spouse spews bitterness and resentment towards you?

Stay away from her.

Have you read the five love languages book?
There are more ways to show your love other than with words.
What are her Love Languages?(LL)
Maybe you can give her an AOS(acts of service).

When she is in replay, most LL are considered pursuing.
You do not want to do that while she stays in replay.

Some of the loving from a distance in this stage is just by standing for your marriage. Not shutting the door on your marriage. You can shut the door by starting to date others or proceeding with a divorce agreement/LS.

Loving detachment is not that hard, it is the detachment that is the hard part, the loving should come fairly easily.

Radio

This idea of detaching with love is a process.

IMO it starts with detaching. By doing this you pull yourself out of the emotions that distract you from the real work.

Looking inside you.

When you begin that journey you start a process of self discovery, looking inward finding your core, what your true values are, and focusing in on things you want to change in yourself.

This process (for me) also included looking at how I saw my marriage, defining love, understanding unconditional love and how I believed I could express that and have it present in my life. When you find your core (values)and begin to focus on those and let them manifest in your life and your M...

It follows down this path, and this is my personal experience and description of this transformation...

You receive Grace.

You gain the ability to understand love in all its facets and

... this opens your life up to unbelievable opportunities for growth and

...the loving experiences that transcend every human interaction you have.

That is what has happened for me on this journey.

Then

You will see your M in a whole new light.

You will see that it matters not what your W does.

You will have no more doubt about your choices...

Because they are made from your core.

You have the capacity to love your W in the best way possible...

without any expectation of her.

In that way you confirm your M, your vows and your love.

And this decision is part of who you are.

That is of course only my opinion.

I had another thought to share

(Did your hear that? that was all my friends on here going "really Grit?")

You will hear that this thing that has happend to you and your M

...is a gift.

It is.

Before you can know grace and love you have to experience its absence.

You have to experience its opposite so you will recognize what it is not.

Most people never have their idea of love tested.

And that is why most people will not understand what you are doing.

They may call you a doormat

or say you are sacrificing yourself.

or why would you stand for someone who treats you like that?

But just as I am telling you this you will not believe it until you experience it.

And to do that IMO you must first choose to stand for your M.

Maybe not for the reasons I descibe here but for other reasons.

You want answers to questions and then...

When you have gone down the road.

...the questions don't matter any more.

"Before you can know grace and love you have to experience its absence. You have to experience its opposite so you will recognize what it is not."

Truegritter, these words are very poignant and definitely struck a chord with me. For a good two months now I've felt a growing sense of empathy towards my wife that seems to grow stronger each day. It's a very raw emotion, and totally counter-intuitive to what my mind tells me I should be feeling towards her/the situation (i.e. anger, frustration, etc...) I've especially felt this way since she and our daughter returned from China. It's a strange thing to process emotionally [and in the brain].

Today is a good example. My wife spent a few hours at home today and we had dinner together as a family. While she was here I could see/sense a very conscious effort on her part to engage me in on an intimate level. There was one point where we were standing in the kitchen, and I was showing her this small pot with African violet flowers I bought for her yesterday. So, she's looking at the flowers, making comments about caring for them, taking them back to her apartment, and so forth. While she was talking she had this look on her face that I can only describe as lost and helpless. I felt this pit in my stomach and just started crying and couldn't understand why [in that moment anyways]. Afterwards, the feeling I had is kind of like, I felt I had cried for her because she is not able to cry for herself. I don't know how else to describe what I felt.

Anyhow, I'm rambling. I can't quite make sense of why this has been happening lately, other than what I tried to describe above. I guess I just wanted to get the thoughts out here.

A quick question. In you all's experience, do MLC spouses seem to age quickly? I mean, like physically. Sometimes when I look at my wife she just looks like she's aged a few years. It's weird that she'll look old one day, and then 'normal' the next. Are my eyes deceiving me?