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OK her response:


No you obviously don't understand me completely. If she is to attend school in [my city], I said that I would prefer her to attend xyz because at least she knows [kids of the lady who she's renting from], and her Daisy scout friends. It's not any more out of the way for you so I don't see what the difference is. I really don't see where you're argument about [my city] being 'her' house when just a month ago you said that you 'can't really live there anymore.' So what is it exactly? I don't recall saying that she should attend where her house is, because her house is in [her city] too. What am I living in if not a house? And how in the world is [the school I suggested] all of a sudden a great school with less money than it had in Sep '09 when you deemed it unacceptable so much that we pulled her out and put her back in [current school]?

And perhaps I can pay for her to attend [private school] until 5th grade, if that's the case and you pay for the after school care, would you agree to that? If not, fine we'll just let the court decide where she should attend school. In which case I will push for [her school district] because that's where her other home is.

Fine with looking into a professional. My doctor recommended the same and I will also look for options.

Romeo- you ROCK. Good for you for sending what you did and leaving the rest of it out. You can always say it privately to us. And we all agree with you about her, the hypocrisy, etc .

That email you sent- well it shows you respect yourself, you are a mature adult who has only his DD's best interests in mind (which includes not rising to bait from X b/c that only hurts DD in long run when you bicker instead of dropping the rope), you have a lot of integrity and are conducting yourself with dignity and restraint. She ends up just looking silly and foolish the more she writes that kind of stuff and you do not respond or react to it. And it may increase for a little bit as she tries harder to get a rise out of you. don't bite. Continue taking your time to think and type out your thoughts before hitting send. You can always have 2 versions of the email- 1. for us here where you write whatever you're feeling and would "like" to tell her. 2. the one that you take all emotion out of before sending so it sounds exactly like this one did.

Bravo.

I think you've already got the guidelines down, so I'm writing them as much for myself as for you- before sending, check that whatever you write meets this criteria:

- does it express any emotion (not including saying you want what's best for DD without assigning or implying any blame)? If so, remove it.
- does it attack, defend, justify, argue, provoke, criticize, rant, rationalize, call names, accuse, blame or anything similar or provocative? Do you know already that the tone with which you wrote will make your X very angry or defensive (notwithstanding that they just don't like whatever facts you present or your unemotional stance on the situation)?
Remove it.
- objectively, does it have any sarcasm or passive-aggressiveness?
Remove it.
- If someone read what you wrote out loud to your friends, family, co-workers, your child (when she's older), a potential new boss, a potential new romantic interest, or strangers, would it embarrass you or make you feel silly, juvenile, ashamed or petty, make you want to immediately "explain" or defend/put its contents "in context", make you wish you hadn't sent it, or want to run and hide?
Remove it.
- does it have anything extra, not necessary, more than just the plain factual information and statements, worded as simply as you can, in a cordial manner?
Remove the extras

Now it should contain only facts and plain unemotional statements that you would not be ashamed to have the whole world read, that you will never regret writing, and that you can look back on and say "I conducted myself with maturity and dignity, even when the other person tried to drag me down into the mud" and feel proud for being the bigger person.

If I've left out any "rules", I'd love someone to pop in and add them!

have to get back to work, but take time and think about your response, following above rules. keep it short and simple. Think about logical reasons she should attend the school you want (like DD already has to be in the car for so long as it is, does this make it, I don't know, a shorter drive for DD? The reasons have to be about DD, not you, or they won't work or get heard at all), but don't send it til you've thought it all through.

Do you have to decide her school now, in June? If not, maybe propose discussing it with new co-parenting specialist you guys will see, not the L's and court.

LOL her other response:


No I'm not going to be there volunteering as I can't take the time off. I get a half day on Fridays so I could use that. Four mothers from her troop will be there every day. And I haven't personally wrestled mountain lions so I don't see what particular advantage I would be there but there is plenty of adult supervision.


LMAOF!! I know she's pissed off about the school stuff but I still think she can be pretty funny when she wants to. My response was going to be: "that's cute but you said you'd be volunteering 3 out of 5 days which made me feel at ease than hoping some other parents will be as vigilant with our daughter" but after reading Alice's rules I might just leave out the cute part.

Romeo,
Catching up. Somehow your Topic has dropped off my Watched Topic List (for some reason that's been happening a lot, lately. WTF?)
All I can say is keep listening to Alice. She's got your back and a lot of good wisdom and feedback.

I wonder if that's happening to me too, or if people just aren't writing on their threads lately?

Anyway, that's kind of you to say, Gardener. I just wish I had some wisdom, insight and advice for MYSELF. It's always easier to see clearly in someone else's situation, it seems...

Alice,Tell me about it.

as for public schools

I went to private Catholic school until 6th grade and then public school for the rest of high school

I was accepted at Harvard

schools, private or public are as good as the teachers and administration working there

teachers who teach at public and private schools go through the same teaching prep cources

in fact
public school teachers are held at a higher standard than private school teachers are (generally) because you don't even NEED a teaching license to teach at a private school...

Thanks guys!! G, I hear you Alice is the best isn't she???!

Figs, thanks I totally know what you mean and that's what Alice and others have said too and who am I to argue with the Stanford and Harvard people

OK guys so I need help interpreting what she wrote about schools. OldFool's words are ringing in my ears about you can't negotiate with her, she will only show she wants to negotiate to get her ways and if not she'll go to court. Now I may be OK with DD going to the second school in my city but based on her last paragraph it sounds to me like she's saying it's either the private school or she's going to push for the school in her city? So it'd be useless to agree to the other public school? Is this the point where I need to say 'this conversation is over, see you in court'

Two, I'm also OK paying the same cost for the daycare that I would have to pay at a public school but again if I even go down that path it'll make things even more complicated and quite frankly I don't think she will be able to afford the private school year after year.

If the case goes to court they'll decide in favor of the public school there's no question about it. I think she knows that and that's why she said she'll push for the school in her city. I sent my lawyer an email asking if the court will take into consideration DD's family house vs. STBXW's rental house which could be getting sold soon and see the house as something more stable and the fact that I'm a high income earner vs. her?

Notice she said her 'doctor' also recommended the co-parenting deal...I've had serious doubts that she's bi-polar and it's gotten worse over the years. Of course, she never told me anything other than that she's been on ADs since college. I'd never met anyone who's been on ADs this long so I never paid any attention but it makes me wonder.

I've known people who have been on AD's forever including my Dad and my two best friends, it's not uncommon. Some people recognize that they have a serotonin imbalance and it's best to stay on a medication that will keep that in check. I'd call that a responsible choice on her part, nothing to be concerned about, in fact, you should probably feel re-assured by it!