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I am very confused as to how to continue moving forward at this point. W filed 2 weeks ago and people I know who have been through a divorce, and also my attorney, told me to “protect” myself financially. Since then I have opened my own checking account where my paychecks will be deposited going forward. I got my own credit card and advised her to do the same, which she did, so I canceled or removed her from all other credit cards. She seemed surprised that I was moving so quickly and she told me today that she is worried about how finances will be managed because she won’t have my check book and doesn’t know how she is going to get groceries when she needs to. I told her we will have to figure it out. Am I being too harsh? She said she wouldn’t run-up the credit cards, and I believe her, but………

We always got along very well. Never had fights or even arguments really. Maybe that was the biggest part of the problem….she rarely expressed herself or her feelings. I was a relentless pursuer for the last 5 months and I guess that is what finally drove her to file. I am trying to use the Last Resort Technique now, but she is still so friendly I am not sure how to respond. She is still doing my laundry, cooking dinners, etc. I have started to do more with the kids and am planning outings without her, trying to GAL and improve myself, but is engaging her in conversation (or her me actually) the right thing to do when using LRT? She went out on Sat and Sat nite and then started to tell me all about it on Sunday. How much she ate, how unhealthy the food was, burgers, burritos, lots of beer. Said she probably gained 5lbs, which would actually be good for her. This morning when I left, I told her I was going to remove her from my Discover account and she said ok. Then asked me if I was leaving and when I said yes, she said good-bye. I didn’t say anything and just walked out the door. Probably not the right thing to do?

Anyway, is just cutting off pursuit and giving space good enough, or do I have to stay away from her too? We continue to have fun when we are together, but perhaps that is just my impression and she is just acting. I’m having a hard time figuring out how to blend all these techniques together and figure out what to do next.

Someone advised reading Coach’s old posts, but I am having a hard time finding them. I want so badly for us to work this out, but she said she is not changing her mind! She seems pretty intent on this path.

Right now my gust says to continue to be around and friendly with her, but do not pursue ILY’s, romance, intimacy, etc.

I will reread postings above, but any additional advice would be GREATLY appreciated. Maybe I need to call a DB coach.

Nope. Time for her to put on what Greek called "the big-girl panties."

As for how you should act around her, I think the consensus is to be CIVIL, but not "friendly." Certainly not continue to be her BEST friend, like when the marriage was intact and healthy. Polite. Courteous (this is why you SHOULD have said "goodbye" to her -- that was just rude not to).

Puppy

ooopsie, not a very well thought out plan, huh?

When things went down in my sitch, that exactly when she got the reality check, "I'm not good enough for you, thus neither is MY money (she was always in charge of finances)". Also, "I'm not good enough to be your husband, than I'm no longer good enough to be your 'best friend', carpenter, mechanic, cook, maid, nothing, nada". And certainly, do not enable things by being the 'designated babysitter'!

Anyone here have experience with the DB coaches? I am thinking about getting one to help me pull all of this together. It's only been 2 weeks since she filed for D, but 5 months have already passed since this whole thing started. I can't really afford it right now, but sometimes I think it is my only chance.

Last night I thought a lot more about some of the things she has told me. I have apologized for so much, but I think dday is right above when he says I have to stop defending myself. I have continued to disagree with ther that I have been selfish, even though I probably have. She says it was selfish of me to skip events like week-end movies, going to the beach, etc. with her and the kids. Those were things I never really liked to do, but I should have done them anyway.

She also told me a few months back that I made her feel used sexually. Like an object or possession of mine rather than my wife. That she felt like a piece of meat. Although she never said "no" to my advances, looking back, I can see how she could have felt that way. Do I bring these things up now and apologize to her for them? Or should I wait for her to bring them up before I say anything. I don't want to wait too long, but I don't want to be too late either, which I may already be.

And to further understand her point of view, where were you instead? Be HONEST.

Amen! It's a package deal, dear.

Puppy

To be honest, I don't really remember all the details of what I was doing that far back. Last time I skipped the movie I was working on finishing our basement. I'm sure sometimes I was doing yard work and sometimes I was looking at internet skin. That's embarrassing.

Last night we were all riding in the car coming home from my son's baseball game and he asked if Mom was coming with us to Grandma's for the 4th of July. She said she didn't think so. He asked "Why, are you doing something else?" She said she didn't know if she was doing anything or not. Then he said, "So you might come?" She said no, she wasn't coming along. Then he said, "Why? Because you hate Dad?" She said "I don't hate Dad!" Then he dropped it and I didn't say anything.

For Father's Day, my daughter made me a picture frame with her picture in it and a laminated sheet of paper that talked about her Dad. It said:

"The important thing about my Dad is that he loves his family.

It is true that he works out.

And that he works at Rust-Oleum.

And that he was a chef.

But the most important thing about my dad is that he loves his family."

Brought tears to my eyes. I posted on the refrigerator for my wife to see every time she opens the door.

This sounds more like a taste of your own medicine. In retaliations, cheaters get cheated on, derserters get deserted, abusers get abused.

Quite frankly, I'm not comfortable with the statement, "I don't really remember what I was doing that far back". Start. Because I'll tell you what, YOU WILL remember precisely what you weren't doing when the chance is taken away from you by a judge.

I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying she is deserting me because I deserted her? Maybe that is true. Maybe I do deserve this, but I don't think that is what is going on. This will hurt her more than me, but Grandma knows she has filed and she is not comfortable going to Grandma's house. She isn't skipping this event to hurt me.

A lot of these events happened 5+ yrs ago when the kids were very little. I can't remember every detail of what I was doing back then. I am trying to be honest. I do know that I skipped a lot of the little kids movies and going to the beach sometimes, but I did go to all the sporting events and many other things too. More recently, I have been spending a lot more time with the kids. The question is, what do I do now to help me save this? Do I go tell her NOW that she is right and I was selfish and wrong to skip these events and that I am sorry. I have told her that all I want to do going forward is focus on the marriage and family and find things that we can enjoy doing together, but she has never showed interest in helping to put together any list.

Dan,

I'm not saying what I am to 'attack' or anything. I think there are still some issues with you not owning up is all, I think you're not only defending yourself to your W, but from yourself. If you want my honest opinion, I think you need to spend some time hashing things with yourself, before you can your W. Just my 2 cents in what I read here.

In saying that. It might not seem a big deal to you that you missed this or that as you didn't miss this or that. But it is to your W, quite obviously. You won't become father of the year overnight, for sure. I know I certainly wasn't and at the current moment, the only thing wrong in my sitch is a yet again straining relationship between myself, STBW and the kids. But, I'll tell you from my experience one little thing. My STBW and I are abid rollercoaster freaks to no end. And we couldn't wait for the day that they were finally big enough to get on them with us. And that day came. But, it was with STBW, them, and OM in my place. Just one of the "firsts" moments for them I will never have the pleasure of knowing.