Hi, welcome aboard. For a newcomer, you seem to be starting out very well. Have you read the forum about suggestions on 180's?
I was almost a WAW and my H and I reconciled and are doing quite well, so there is hope for you.
How did it make you feel when she said all that about how she would watch you for a few months to see how you did?
You make your self improvements for "you" and not to get her to remain in the M. She's not your judge and she'll never be satisfied if you start trying to live up to her standards. Make yourself happy. I think you really get that based on some things you've said.
Many women grow up thinking that men are just suppose to "know" what to do to make them happy....especially in the bedroom. You have to call her out on times she says stupid things about that and inform her that you do not have the power to read minds and that your M is not some silly romance novel sold for five bucks.
You are correct in knowing not to ask her if you've done something wrong. If you've done something then she should be mature enough to tell you, but I'll have to admit that it took me many years to reach the place I'd confront my H and tell him that he hurt my feelings or that I did not appreciate how he handled something. It is so crazy! I found out how much easier it is when I am willing to tell him up front instead of keeping it bottled up and letting it turn to bitterness.
A lot of WAW's have sour grape attitudes that have taken a long time and is hard for some of them to turn lose. It upsets her or makes her angry when she sees you doing certain changes now b/c she wanted you to be that way before......and by now, she's tried to convince herself that she's done with the M.
I realize this is all very frustrating for you, but don't give up. I think you are doing good thus far.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Gardner...Thanks so much! Those words are the same ones I have been telling myself these last couple of weeks. I am that man and you know what...he is starting to come out and I like me. That is where she gets shocked and angry...She said she sees me moving on and that is a good thing but it upsets her as a wife. She told me she is caught between being my best friend and being my wife. I just told her I have to do me. In my head I am moving forward not necessarily on.
I will start working on scripting. Also I will wait to call her back when she calls so I can have my head together.
Also I feel that if I did these things it would be for me. I am finding that any opportunity to change and do something different only helps me. It makes me feel good to do this even though I am scared, hurt, and angry. These changes and the way I am handling this are the only decisions I have made since this started that my gut ( not my emotions) say are right.
It gave me hope and at the same time it scared me...I really want this to work but she also said that after she is done watching I have to accept her answer either way and that she is still not wanting to be married.
As far as making changes for me that is exactly what I am doing. I will not be made a victim and I know I am stronger than I have been. Does not mean my feelings have changed but I know I have what it takes to do this.
Yeah part of our problem is she reads those books and thinks that is what life is...No one can live up to that...She did state the other day that she does not want a fairy tale romance anymore though she wants to be single. I know she has told EA she needs time to work on her but they are still in communication and he is laying it on THICK. Now she only brings him up though to tell me what he did that she wants me to do or wished I had done. I can't help but think Gardner is right that she is laying out a map for me whether intentional or unintentional I do not know.
yeah I see why you are saying it upsets her...She told me the other week to stop and not be so nice or so me because it makes her doubt everything she is doing. One of the reasons I am going back to my house. When I am there and I do me she seems to not be able to help but come around...Of course I am going to do me and change regardless of what happens with her but if I can have the added benefit of having a big enough impact to save my marriage why not?
Thanks for the encouragement Sandi I am not giving up...Been through too much in life...I have a whole lotta fight in me especially when the stakes are so high...myself and then my marraige.
If there is anything else you can think of please let me know.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the EA...I know the book says not to bring it up and to study him and do what he does better but I have also heard to set boundaries and cut off her only communication with him which i know would just drive her away...How do you strike the balance...any advice?
True...I will do this when I get back then. For now I will change the password on my laptop as well as get a key logger. You are right. What she is doing is wrong no matter how she has convinced herself and I should not be put through that. I do deserve more respect despite the things I have done wrong. I have to start remembering more that I am a valid, capable, and worthy person.
A friend went to me and asked me. Regardless of what this man is or isnt does it change the way you feel about her? If the answer is no the dont worry about him. I am not saying be blind but focus on what you want to save. You have been married to her you know her on ways he cant even fathom yet. Focus on that and dont lose sleep over it.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
Thanks hopingtomakeit...I will consider everyones advice...I know that two things I have going are that she does still love me and that I will be back in the home for her to see the me that should have been there all along. Like I said she begins to come back around just a little. I think consistency, genuine change, and realizing that bad days may follow the times she opens more than she wants to are going to be key...It is really hard cause to be honest I just want to wrap her up in my arms and her to see this is real and everything will be better...But I am also a realist and I know this will not happen...I am ready to change because I like the results but I am also willing to put in the work for the long haul to save my marriage no matter how hard it is...
Gardner I believe you are right about her giving me a bit of a map.She just called me to tell me about her day and then she initiated a conversation about some of the things that happened. I listened to her and validated her feelings. I did not get into the blame game all I did was validate her. I think it threw her for a loop. She then proceeded to let me give her the love languages quiz and after reading the book I was dead on. Sad thing is she already knew my main one. Got the secondary ones wrong though but it still shows how much more than me she has tried. After that we discussed some other things in which I did not act overly enthusiastic about the conversation but I was given the chance to vocalize that I understood where she was coming from on some things and apologized. I did not say watch me change I just admitted my wrong without pointing hers out. Then she told me of her struggles in the day and I was able to begin to use one of her primary love languages which encouraging and supportive words of affirmation. SHe then told me thank you. I have not had THAT kind of reciprocation in months. Lately it has been her saying you should have seen this sooner. She then said these are all good things I see a difference. She has said she will call me tonight to talk more or if I do not hear from her to please call.
I know this isn't a lot but I am really excited because she expressed for the first time that she feels I am understanding things. She also said she sees a change in me and that lets her know it isn't for her. I have never been able to get this far with my changes before sad I know. Now I just have to be scripted and have myself together because usually after theses times where things open a little she either gets real cold, real mean, or runs to the internet EA to keep herself from accepting that anything can change or that she may want to work this out. I have got to find the money for a phone coach FAST.
Need all the encouragement and advice you guys have right now. What do you think of this?
