Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to tell the kids

I don't have time to go through in detail what everybody has said, but 'future' has hit alot of my points:

Abosuletly no friggen way in hell do you move out. She wants a D? She wants to be involved with someone else? Give her the reality check I did to my STBW: "Get the eff out my house". This also gives you the leg up on custody should D become unavoidable, courts want the least distruption in the kids lives, thus whom ever has the marital (family) residence is a step ahead. Also, when her L asks "why did he kick you out of the house?", heh, what do think she's gonna come up with? Lawyers dont work well when their clients are lying (ironc when half the crap they sling around in court IS lies).

I tell you, that was a POWERFUL move on my part. The extreme slap in the face to her was te fact the hosue was in HER DAD's name, yet I had his backing to kick her to the curb. Food for thought.

More food for thought: If OM's wife is an aldultress herself, I'd cut communication with her out now! Especially face to face meetings. I could see that blowing up in your face really quick.

Furthermore, I also took the stance as 'future', each and everytime when STBW said "I want to be friends with you and maybe, just maybe we can grow back together", my answer was absolutley NOT, I REFUSE to be "friends" with my wife who lives with another man! NO WAY!

You have some tough times on your plate if she is currently determined as she says she is that "this is it" and you throw this in her face.

But guess what? That's growing your balls back buddy. And men who have balls to stand up against their aldutress wives earn RESPECT. And respect is what you lost from her and why she is doing this.

EDIT - And also, it might jsut make her think really hard really fast right now what she really wants to do.

Hey all. Taking some of the advice here and going out with my brother for his birthday tonight in Milwaukee. Should be a great time.

Kids were asking about D again last night. I had told them I was tired. They asked why and I said that I didn't sleep much. My son asked, why, cause you miss Mom? (she is sleeping in the other room). I said "yes, I miss her a lot." he asked if he should tell her and I said no, she already knows. Then they asked if we were getting D and I said I hope not, but what if we do? My son said he would jump off a cliff and my daughter said she would drown herself. Then they went on to talk about how the toys other divorced kids have are split between houses. They seemed ok, but I think this is really going to hurt them. My wife wants to tell them this weekend and say it was a mutual decision. I told her if they ask me, I will tell them this is not what I want, but I want Mom to be happy. I like the idea of having her tell them she is filing for a divorce, but I just don't know if that is best for the kids.

I also told her that she will not be living in our house with the kids, but without me after the divorce. she said she is not living together after it is final, so I said "why dont you just move out now?" Then I told her ither I will be buying her out or the house will be sold for what we can get for it at that time. I also told her I am going for 50% placement of the kids. She said she would fight it, but these days the judges almost always award it unless there is a serious issue that would prevent me from being a good dad. She said, apparently there was before, so I asked her what? She said "you are selfish I guess." She thinks I haven't spent enough time with the kids while they were younger, but don't think that reasoning will cut it for the judge. I was working 50-60 hrs a week, plus a 1 hr commute each way every day so we could live where she wanted to live and she could work part-time so she could drop-off/pick-up the kids every day and take care of everything for them. I told her she will find out what it is like when she goes back full time and she just said yeah, yeah and walked away. So I yelled walk away after her.

We had a couple of civil exchanges after that, so I think things will be ok, but she just left for the beach with the kids. I didn't go because I am leaving and will have the kids all day tomorrow. Sometimes I think it would just be better to forget about her and move on and find someone else.

Looks like this may get ugly for a while, but I do need to grow my balls back.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their opinions and support. It really is good to talk to others going through the same things as I am.

Stop these conversations right now!

Do not discuss what you think you will or will not have or get or offer her in a D. EVER. By doing so, you are standing over a blazing firepit and dumpring 5 gallons of gas out of bucket on it.

Simply, "you want a divorce, you want to be done with me, you want someone else, then leave". "I'm sorry for what I have done or lack therof to bring things to this point that you see no other way, but if that is what you want, than it's best you leave". And not even in an angerly tone either, just a stern but compassionate and standing your ground for what remains of your family.

Reality check for you. I fought tooth and nail. My D got VERY nasty, she "abducted" our kids and withehld them from me. She sat IN THE COURT ROOM WITH OM! I proved each and every one of her claims false. Numerous police reports against me, all bullarchy and dismissed. Yet, I still ended up a 72 hour a month father! Do you want that? Discuss zero legalities directly with her. If she is to move out, then the children ARE NOT to leave the house without a joint parenting agreement (JPA) in place!!!! No joke!!!! As far as I'm concerned right now. You may not see them again after this trip they are on now.

I don't say this to be mean or belittle your W. You and I both know, you love her very much and want this insanity to stop 100 times faster than the millisecond it "got started".

However, you really need to pay attention and VALIDATE what she is telling you. You now have 2 days worth of posts where she placing in your hands everything you have done wrong, your convictions. Stop being so defensive! Defending your faults is only making it worse.

I'm also highly disturbed on your childrens comments and hope you gave them huge hugs and kisses and let them know you love them and it will be ok. I wasn't the greatest dad on earth either, one of my convictions. Be the better person and protect them from this. And at all costs, do not discuss this with them. I might also install family counseling in the JPA should one become neccessary.

I think I have validated her concerns over the last 5 months. In the beginning, she asked me if I thought she was just crazy. Maybe I should have said yes. I told her that she made some valid points and that I would work on the things she was concerned about. She tells people I have made a 180 and am doing everything she asked, but she can't help the way she feels. The I got too desperate, needy and clingy. I read all the books. Say nice things, compliments, buy gifts, flowers, go on dates again, be close to her. Then I was smothering her. But I couldn't help it. I loved her so much I couldn't stand the thought of being without her.

Even the OM told his W that I have really stepped-up and she just isn't responding to me.

I do like your apology statement above, a lot, but she isn't going to leave and there is no way for me to make her, is there? I suppose I could request it at the temporary hearing, but she had her atty take that same request of me out of the paperwork. I am going to try the "just be gone" advice and continue to be nice when I am around. No more divorce talk, but it did get emotional this am when talking about how/what to tell the kids.

Maybe I just need to take some deep breaths and mellow-out a little. Or find a little strange tonight!

Why is she still doing my laundry? If you were filing for divorce wouldn't you tell your STBXH to do his own laundry?

She wants to tell the kids on Sunday. that is Father's Day, so I am going to protest. It's not even 2 weeks she has been in a separate room yet, so we can wait a little longer to tell the kids, right? I told her I want it to be a time when we will both be around for a while, not just her and not just me, in case the kids want to talk. I suggested getting a kids therapist lined-up first, but she is poo pooing that, saying that we don't even know if the kids will need one. I said what is the harm in being prepared? Problem is, I can't get an appointment until July. Is that too long to wait to tell the kids?

Gotta go find a party tonight. I'll check-in with you all tomorrow.

Thanks!

Went out with my brother and his friends last night. A few drinks, then dinner, then a bunch of more drinks and went to a club that was jam-packed and had lots of good-looking younger women. Made me sick to think about starting all over again and I ended up leaving and breaking down crying. Texted W at 1:15am "Miss u. Too old for this [censored]. Remember that." How desperate and needy can you get? Sabotaged myself again. Somehow, I just can't help myself.

Today has been bad too. Broke down crying a few times. I don't know if I am going to be strong enough to do this. I can't even stand to think about moving and starting all over. W is out with friends today and tonight. Told me she is planning to come home, but it will be very late. I said whatever. Took the kids fishing for a while, but very windy today and no fish biting.

I saw someone asking about wearing a wedding ring in another thread. When W dropped the D bomb on June 5th, I offered mine to her, but she didn't take it. She still had hers on for a couple of days after that, but then I asked her if it meant anything that she still had it on. No answer, so I said, "I would have thought since you are divorcing me, you would have taken it off." Then I got on my knees and apologized one last time and pleaded for her to reconsider. She paid her attorney's retainer the next morning (Monday) and filed for D that week. I took my ring off on Wednesday and noticed that she had taken hers off too.

Gotta find something to do with the kids tonight to take my mind off of it or I am going to go insane.

This is the letter W wrote to me and gave me to drop the D bomb.

Dan,
This is a difficult letter to write, but I have a hard time putting things/feelings into words. I do not want to play the blame game. We both know how we got to where we are and the roles we played in it. You have apologized and I know I should have been more assertive in expressing my needs. I continue to struggle with this.

If I start from the beginning, I met you at a time in my life when I was hurt over a prior relationship and had suffered the shocking loss of my Dad. I had fun with you and you filled a void I had at that time. I knew I was not crazy infatuated - "head over heels", but it didn't matter. I wanted someone to spend time with, have fun with and who liked me. I was ok with all the sex in the beginning, because, unfortunately, I equated that with self-worth.

There were concerns I had from the beginning, such as your lack of patience, you being easily irritated by little things, you being unhappy/angry when you didn't have weed. I tried to ignore them and tried to make you happy. I decided the good outweighed the bad.

When I left our first house for a few days, before we were married, it wasn't just because of you marijuana use and lack of help running a household, but also because I had serious doubts about the depth of my feelings for you. I wondered if my feelings were deep enough to sustain a relationship for a lifetime. When I saw how devastated you were, I could not take it. I never want to feel responsible for making anyone so miserable. I came back because I wanted to make you happy and thought I loved you enough to be able to work it out. You apologized, and for a little bit, helped more, etc.

Before the summer of 1995, I thought about where our relationship was headed. I felt we invested a lot of time together and had been building a life and a home together. I decided I wanted children and felt that since you loved me, I could have that life with you. I was happy to be marrying you (she proposed to me in summer '95) but still had a few doubts about the way our relationship was and hoped I could remain happy and content with my decision. I felt very secure when we were married. I felt we could be together forever. I really felt I made the right choice. I trusted you, you were a good provider, smart, fun, etc.

I don't want to belabor all of what went wrong and I know you have heard it all before. I know it makes you angry when some things are brought-up repeatedly. Again, I don't want to blame anymore. I am only trying to sort out, in my own mind, when things started to go wrong. I don't want to go on and on about our sex life and how demanding it was to me, but just tell you how it made me feel and why. I felt I wasn't worthy of your help during the day, patience, listening, talking, doing things as a family, but at night, I was always good enough to have sex with. It didn't matter if I had an infection, stomach ache, headache, whatever, it was still expected. At one point I told you the Dr. said my frequent infections could be caused by too much sex. It didn't seem to matter to you. This added to my poor self esteem issues. Obviously, I felt I didn't matter.

I first discovered the porn thing when I was pregnant. this was another blow to my self esteem, especially knowing I'm pregnant and big, and still giving it up (sex) on a regular basis, no matter how uncomfortable. Even still, you had to be doing the porn. I had a lot of anger and hurt over that. Since I addressed this with you several time, and you did not care enough to stop it, this turned to disgust and anger. It is hard to have sex with someone when you are wondering what they saw on the internet and add to that the resentment of being tired and overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities at home.

I feel blessed and so lucky that we have two healthy, wonderful children. I know you love them, also. My feelings changed for you after watching your relationship with them. When you were nice to them and acted like you cared, did things with them, etc. it made me feel closer to you and more receptive to your sexual advances. I have a lot of hurt and frustration regarding this area of our lives. I won't go into more details, but cannot begin to express my disappointment and sadness I have felt over the years regarding your lack of attachment and interest in the kids.

Now to the present day. I know you have made so many significant changes, at my request. You've helped me more, backed-off on the sex, spent more time with the kids. I appreciate that. I have forgiven you and I hope you can forgive me for things I've done and said over the years that may have hurt you.

As I've told you, I've been unhappy with the way things have been for many years. Unfortunately, that has taken a toll on my feelings for you. I've told you this, but it must be so hard for you to understand since you don't feel the same way. I care about you as a person and the father of my children. I cannot be the wife you want me to be, I do not love you like that and haven't for quite a while. It doesn't matter how that happened, it just is. If I could change it, I would. I've struggled with these feelings for a long time and it is not fair to you or me. I do not want any intimacy with you and I know that is not going to change. I'm tired of feeling this way and can't go on continuing in this marriage just to try to please you. I don't deserve this and neither do you.

I have started the paperwork for a divorce. I can't even imagine how difficult this will be, but I also can't imagine continuing to live my life this way.

I hope you will think of the kids and their well-being from this day forward. Please, their entire future depends on how we handle this. I know you are really hurting right now - so am I. Don't let our hurt be at the children's expense. We must consider the kids every step of the way and also respect each other and the years we had. Neither of us are bad people. I am begging you to keep them your focus and how we are all going to get through this. I will always be there for you, just can't be there for you in the capacity you want me to.

When we are ready, we can discuss more details as it related to the kids, living arrangements, telling the kids, sleeping arrangements, vacation, etc.

Brenda


Just broke down crying while typing the end of that letter.

Anyone care to share any thoughts about my chances considering what was said in this letter?

Thanks to all for your help and support.

Your wife is right. You should tell them it is a mutual decision. Should your wife tell the kids that you were looking at porn when she was pregnant and probably masturbating while doing it? Should she tell them you always wanted to have sex with her when she was sick and it didn't matter how she was feeling? AND these things are some of the reasons she wants the divorce? Or don't those truths matter?


Be careful here on trying to put this on your wife with some of the things it looks like you have done to push her away. What is best for the kids is to tell them it is mutual and just let them know that they are loved and that it isn't their fault. Leave the who wants it and who did what to who out of it. They don't need to know.

Thanks. I never said I was innocent in all this, and I didn't do those things to hurt her, but that was the end result. She never said no when she wasn't feeling well or I wouldn't have done it. I guess I should probably just accept this and move on since I am such an a$$hole. I just want her to be more expressive about what she wants/needs and I am willing to give it to her. I want to work on this, bit I think she is just done. I love her and my family more than life itself. When I wasn't at work, I was at home. I didn't go out drinking, chasing skirts or any of that. I just wanted to be with her. So I looked as some images on a screen. Don't most men do that? I was doing that for myself, but didn't that also give her a break that she needed? I'll never forgive myself for driving her out of my life.

Trying to find ways to keep busy and keep my mind occupied. Took the kids fishing both yesterday and today and had a fire with them last night while the wife was out on the town. I can't keep my mind off her though and it is very hard to maintain my composure. I preempted her for next Friday. I'm going to a music festival with a friend of mine. Will probably see others there also. Then, I am going to take my kids to grandma's for the 4th. They are begging to go, but W told them we may not be doing it this year. They love to swim in the pool and go to the fireworks where she lives. Told W that I am taking them. She asked if we were just going up for the evening and I told her no, that the kids want to swim too. Grandma (my mom) knows what is going on, so I'm guessing W wouldn't be comfortable there anymore. She once told my Mother that she was more of a Mom to her than her own Mom was. She always had a good time with my family, but became restless when visiting over the last couple of years. "I can't stand to just sit around there anymore.

Anyway, just checking in.