Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

i need to be careful though.
this is a much younger crowd (early to mid 20s, me late 30s).
but remember how someone mistaken me for a 23 yr old?
it's no wonder i'd fit right in.

i feel pretty today.

i have to prepare stuff for tomorrow's baking class but i'll make it to squash tonight.

Yes, mixing sushi and squash players can be volatile.

"i'm losing it again, aren't i?"

"then tell me how to get even with the SOB?"

Those are 2 tuff questions you are asking.

99% of what you walk thru here.. is about your perspective.. Or they way you look at things. Me being a sarcastic person.. sometimes gets me in trouble. People mistake my sarcasm for being mean. At times.. it is intended to be mean. Most of the time it is directed at making light of the situation. The determining factor in my sarcasm comes from how you define my words. It does not matter how I intended it. Even if my goal was to make you laugh.. if you read it wrong.. things can go awry.

-----
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

That’s alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry.

That’s alright because.. I love the way you lie..
I love the way you lie."

So what is this person saying?

------

"greek's reaction is no different from anybody else i've spoken to. this is what triggers that kind of melt down in me."

But again.. you are focusing the blame on "someone" else.

It is easy to point to what someone does and say.. look at what they made me do. See how they made me angry! See how they made me crazy! Again.. let me point out that people will do the same things.. to a fault. So.. when you really look at it.. you are causing yourself to do these things. This is what has led us all to posting here (DB.com).

How much energy are you wasting.. focusing on the wrong things?

What would happen if you took 10% of the energy and focus it even on something small that is good for you? What if you prepared for sleep 10% more. What if you worked 10% harder at your job. What if you smiled 10% more. What if you seek out other people in need 10% more.

------

"I can’t tell you what it really is.

I can only tell you what it feels like.

And right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe.

I can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight.

As long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight.

High off of love drunk from my hate.

It’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it. The more I suffer, I suffocate.

And right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fu**in’ hates me.

And i love it.. wait.. where you goin’?

I’m leavin’ you. No you ain’t.. come back.

We’re runnin’ right back, here we go again.

So insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great

But when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap.

Whose that dude? I don’t even know his name.

I guess I don’t know my own strength"

What is this person talking about?

Is this person talking about the same thing or something different from the one above?

------

"it comes down to what my deal breakers are - infidelity and physical abuse.
i do not share my h with anybody nor do i believe in open marriages.
i do not put up with physical abuse."

Well.. I can't be 100% sure about it all.. but so far there have not been any clear indications that either of these things have or will happen. You have very likely been subjected to some Emotional abuse. You very likely have given some Emotional abuse. Being here.. and being a poster increases the chance for involvement of OP. I can't sugar coat that. You have a 50/50 shot that there is. I personally don't think it is in your best interest to try and find out right now. Once we get closer to the cut off date then we will look at options. If you are not ready to cut it all off.. and close the door right now.. don't go poking for something you think will make it easier for you. 9.5 times out of 10.. it won't make it any easier.

----

"You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe?

When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em?

Got that warm fuzzy feeling.

Yeah them chills used to get em.

Now you’re getting fu**in’ sick of lookin’ at em.

Now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em.

You push.. pull each other’s hair.

It’s the face that’s the culprit.

So they say it’s best to go your separate ways.

Guess that they don’t know ya.

Sound like broken records playin’ over.

But you promised her next time you’ll show restraint.

You don’t get another chance.

Life is no nintendo game!

Now you get to watch her leave out the window.

Guess that’s why they call it window pane."

So.. are we still talking about the same thing?

What is this person trying to tell us?

-----

"it was too early to knock. the wound is still fresh"

Good.. I even like the order of your sentence.. important things first the secondary stuff coming after.

"these guys are both my best friends because i've known them longer than i've known my h."

It is interesting to me.. that you seek out people you can learn from. This explains the hand waving and hollering at the start of all this. You also mention cars. Again.. I think this points to the "Emotional lead" thing. I still really think that your H was the emotional lead in this R. I think you failed to see how much effort he was putting into it. Him trying to direct things.. move forward. It takes a lot out of a person when they try and try.. and nothing happens. Even if the things they are trying are wrong.. it still has the same effect. Remember.. people will keep trying harder.. even if it is not working. There has to be a breaking point.

"you'll have to teach me about this. because i'm fogged by my own anger."

But.. yet again.. you point to the fact that you know what the issue is. Should it not be easier to "fix" if you know what the problem is? It feels unnatural doesn't it?

-----

"Now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean.

And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine.

But your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me.

When it comes to love you’re just as blinded.

Baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me.

Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems.

Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.

All i know is i love you too much to walk away though.

Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk.

Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?

Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball.

Next time there won’t be no next time.

I apologize even though i know its lies.

I’m tired of the games i just want her back.

I know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fu**in’ leave again

I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire."

Has our subject changed?

Do you know where these words come from?

Do you understand the meaning?

--------

"damage control for him is to save his own reputation."

It takes someone with a real.. black heart.. to do this. It is not the norm here that I can assure you of. From what you have said about him.. I have a hard time thinking that this is the case. You have not ever said he is a bad person. I am inclined to believe you.. cause I don't know him. The chances of it being this.. are very slim. Your reaction is a learned response though. I can't clearly tell whether you learned it from him or from somewhere else. So.. where does the suspicion come from?

"yeah. this incident caught me off guard.

we'll see what this week brings."

You are still new at this. Good job on listening and implementing. When I say prepare.. it does not mean for big things.. all the time. It can be small thing. Most of the time the small things are what is really important. You know.. it's in the details.

This week brought you a lesson in perspective.

Are you wondering why I included all those words in my post?

I did it because I wanted you to read them.. not knowing where they came from. I wanted you to form an opinion.. or get a perspective on them. Then I wanted to show you how they all come together. I wanted to see how close your perspective was to the real thing.

Greek had her song.. so I had to compete with that.

So.. the words are from a song.. you should have an idea about these two people singing in it. They have been in the news quite a bit.. and both don't seem to have the best luck with R.

If you are offended by strong lyrics DON'T click on the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zYHX16l1eQ

Change your perspective.. and you can change your world. You are the only one keeping yourself locked into a pattern of failing and anger... you will have to understand that simple fact for yourself.

I speak from experience.. I know what "crazy" is.

Keep focusing on your list...

i will continue doing what i'm doing.
play squash several times a night.
i still talk to my family members.
i will continue to eat, sleep, and shower.
i will take care of myself.
i will do something nice for someone in need.

Now add to that.. Ask yourself.. or better yet post it somewhere you see it when you wake up.. and before you go to bed..

What am I really angry about?

Think about it for a few days.. don't just give pop answers. Ponder that question.

So.. what have you been doing to broaden your horizons? Squash.. is not gonna be enough for me anymore.

Be creative.

Be different.

And Always...

Nothing like getting up a post and before you can finish it the link you put in it is dead!

Lets try that again....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nfore7F0h4

why are they so tuff?
pretty straight forward, no?


yes, i can see this. when i talk about it, it's reliving it.


i guess i tried to ignore the post but didn't want to be rude.


isn't this a great way to start the weekend off?


define "cut off date"?
when we are closer to the end of my 30 day trial period?


remember i also said that "my h taught me how to live".
yes, i tend to seek out those who i can learn from.
i don't respond well to those who tell me what to do or give me their opinions.
but i will be drawn to those who challenge me to think.


the problem was that h consulted with his mother when he had an issue with me.
he never addressed the issue with me directly.
so i was never aware of his concerns. he would talk to his mother.
i don't want to mind read and wonder whether he tried or not.
but when he says that he tried hard to make the house look nice for his parents.
what does that say to me? that his parents were his main concern. not me.
and when he says that if he ever died, all he could think about was his poor parents.
what does that say to me? that he was more concerned about his parents well-being than his own wife.
and that if i ended up in a hospital, he would be there for me. and what about the times when i'm not in the hospital? i just get a blank stare from him.
he can't get the words out that he'd be there for me as well.
it speaks volumes about how hard he tried and how important he made me feel.
i consider myself a pretty low maintenance wife. but not to the point where my h can totally ignore me.


the problem is my anger. i need to be a bit more compassionate.
see things from his perspective - the emotional lead.


because how people perceive him is something that is common in their family.
he badly dented his car once and when we went to the auto body shop to get it fixed, he asked me if he could tell them that i put the end in the car.
he didn't want to look like an idiot.
when it comes to negotiating the price for a car, he usually sends me in to negotiate because he doesn't want the sales guy to think he's cheap.
he doesn't want to do anything that makes him look bad.
he's afraid to do things that might make him look stupid.
they won't hang up on telemarketers for fear of looking rude.
most of my squash friends are really good players. (see, i seek out those who can challenge me and teach me a thing or two about playing better).
if you get in with their 'crowd', you will get a good game.
otherwise, you will get stuck playing with the newbies and to h, that's no fun.


why do i feel like i failed at this task?
i wasn't prepared for greek's bluntness. i didn't respond the way i should have. i allowed it to affect me. provoke me, if you will.


it's about how i talk to myself .. about myself.


i think i get it but i still have blinders (?) on that i'm not considering all sides. i am responsible for my own reactions. it is not specific about who, what, or where.

i have so much work to do. it is a walk. not a sprint.

"why are they so tuff?
pretty straight forward, no?"

Well as far as you loosing it.. it would be difficult for us to give you a truly accurate answer to that question. Based on your responses.. there is a high probability that you are.. but because we don't really know you.. this may just be a normal reaction from you.

As far as getting back at him, I don't think you really can. If you go after him with your claws out.. he will just move further away. Which sets into motion the cycle. You claw.. he moves. By doing that you move away from your goal. Well at least the goal I think you have. Now you could DB the situation.. get back together and then walk out on him at some point down the road. But again.. that seems somewhat counter productive. You could go dark.. L up.. stop going to the club and see what he does. You could hire someone to go and make him cheat so you can get pictures. But again.. this seems like a lot of wasted energy to me. Me.. I want someone who wants to be with me by choice. Not because I did something fantastic and captured their interest for a while. Not because I forced them into having to love me. So.. how can you back at him? If you really think about that question.. there is an answer.

"yes, i can see this. when i talk about it, it's reliving it."

But.. this is what you fight every day. You wake up reliving this. I know.. I did it too. There will come a time when you can relive and talk more about it. Hence my rule.. that Greek broke.. and made you act all crazy.

"i guess i tried to ignore the post but didn't want to be rude."

You could have just said.. I can't talk about it cause Forrest said so. Then I am the rude one.

Here is a perspective that you missed.

Greek posted to you on your thread. To me.. that opened the door to Q & A time. She was the "other side". You can only imagine the hard time I might have given her if I was in your shoes. Logic would state that if me and you share something in common.. there is a pretty good chance that your H and Greek share something in common. She may have stopped posting.. she may have gotten angry with you. She may have fired back. Now you will never know.

"isn't this a great way to start the weekend off?"

Well.. yes and no. Until you say I give.. and I test you.. and you get mad at me.. and I keep pushing.. don't worry about it. You don't know.. at this point.. that is not a bad thing. I am gonna leave it at that.

"define "cut off date"?
when we are closer to the end of my 30 day trial period?"

The 30 day trial is separate from the cut off date.

The cut off date will be determined by your "paperwork".

I get 30 days.. without you breaking the rules.. so do we reset it now?

Kidding.

"remember i also said that "my h taught me how to live".
yes, i tend to seek out those who i can learn from.
i don't respond well to those who tell me what to do or give me their opinions.
but i will be drawn to those who challenge me to think."

I did not forget what you said about H. I am a M.. but my brain is not as small as you think.

I am here.. to challenge you to think.

Things got fuzzy there.. your were talking about your H. I could not read it. It came out as "poop.. poop.. poop" on my screen. I wiped the screen off.. trying to get the poop off.. and all I got was "%#@$%#^%^&$#@^()^*^^%$%$#@!". So.. I will just pick up where I could read from.

"i consider myself a pretty low maintenance wife. but not to the point where my h can totally ignore me."

OK.. so when you were "speaking up" about this.. could he hear you? No one likes to be ignored. No one likes to feel 2nd best.

No one likes to be "called out" on their failings either.

"the problem is my anger. i need to be a bit more compassionate.
see things from his perspective - the emotional lead."

See.. now you are catching on.

Compassion.. soothes anger.

If you ignore anger.. what does it do?

Why does it take an equal and opposite "action" to overcome?

If you think about that.. imagine the Newton's Cradle (http://www.computergear.com/kimodetoy.html)

"Anger" is the act of lifting the ball. We could define letting the ball go as the words "I am out!".

How do we define the balls in between?

What do we have to do to stop the "reaction"?

Poop on my screen again.. something about a dent in a car...

"he didn't want to look like an idiot."

Or.. he knew you could stand the "looking like an idiot"?

He does not have the back bone you have. That is why standing up straight.. and smiling.. would open a door.

"why do i feel like i failed at this task?"

Because you did not trust your gut.

"i wasn't prepared for greek's bluntness. i didn't respond the way i should have. i allowed it to affect me. provoke me, if you will."

It was something unexpected. Look.. Coach.. takes this stuff "home" with him. At the very least.. Greek read it and knew you were doing things wrong. From what I read.. I can agree with Greek somewhat. You don't want the marriage that you had. You want it to be better. You want to be smarter about the way you react. You want "someone" to choose you. You need to make a choice to change the situation you are in. You have to understand that there is a time and a place to "voice" your objections. You have to understand.. that people posting here.. want you to succeed... most likely more than you.

"it's about how i talk to myself .. about myself."

Who are you?

In the limited confines of DB.com.. how can you show us who you are?

How does this apply to real life?

"i have so much work to do. it is a walk. not a sprint."

Walk with me. If you sprint.. I may have a hard time keeping up.

I am a DAM ya know.

I "see" you.. I know you are trying to..

Geez, didn't know about "the rule". I must have skimmed that post too quickly. However, above in red was the perfect opp for you to say, "Sorry...can't break the rule."

Good luck.

Greek

the rule is for me to keep h, mil, fil, whatever il out of my thoughts for a month.

i think i really wanted to know how coach finally 'got it'. what triggered that. that way, if and when my h ever 'got it', i'd be able see it as a positive instead of focusing on the negative. i don't want to miss the signs when he 'gets it'.

i know that forrest mentioned that you were on the other side - the WAW. that you would provide a perspective from that person's POV.

for some reason, i don't see the similiarity.
your h didn't stand up for you with his mother and you walked away.
my h didn't stand up for me and HE walked away.
you have kids that will always keep you connected.
i don't.
as i read coach's sitch, it felt like you didn't want the m to end.
my h said that this was the only option for us. no amount of mc-ing was ever going to fix our problems.
(if you go back and read my sitch, the five deciding factors that he came up with .. didn't include conflict between me and his parents. which i realize now and find very odd.)
he doesn't have the backbone to face humiliation or looking stupid (dent in car, looking cheap, etc.)
do you honestly believe he has the backbone to say that maybe he was acting in haste?

the difference between greek and my h is that greek knows when she's sorry and at fault.

thanks greek. come back soon.

"the difference between greek and my h is that greek knows when she's sorry and at fault."

Hmm.. Maybe that is true.. maybe it is not. Her perspective is different now.

"for some reason, i don't see the similiarity."

Ask her to define it.

Greek.. if you are mad at me.. I understand. It happens to me alot.

But.. you read it.. you posted.. you saw "something".

The rule was for "dumped". Not for you.

"thanks greek. come back soon."

greek - i don't want to make you re-live those years of turmoil. but i dare ask. what was going through your head when you walked out? can you honestly tell me that d was what you wanted?


greek? what are the similiarities?


greek, what did you "see" in my thread?