Hello everyone, I'm new here and have posted in the newcomer's section just haven't gotten any responses yet! I'm just not sure what to do now; my (W) and I have been separated for about a month it just sucks. I'm not sure if I have to post here my situation here too, but I have been trying to be positive with hopes that it would rub off on my (W) not sure it's working. I have also been working on a 180, and trying to do the things for myself I haven't done in a long time. I joined a gym, going out with some friends, spending time with my (S) anything to keep busy!! My (W) is having a hard time too I think she is more depressed than me, however this was her choice!! She tells me she is not the person she thought she was and she needs to be more consistent in what she is doing to live her life. I told her I always wanted nothing but the best for her and she is a wonderful person, and that I’m doing things I haven’t done in yrs. Anyway we have a wonderful therapist even our (S) goes to see her. We have another couple’s secession at the end of this month are last 2 were very emotional. (W) doesn’t think it was very helpful, or understand the point of them, but in reality they were in helping us move forward to save our marriage!! (W) says she doesn't want to give me or our (S) any false hope (I don't know if she is going for me to make this process easier),or every time our son goes at the end of each session he wants us to work it out too which bothers her. We both are doing our best for (S) to make him as comfortable as we can. I just don't want (W) to be stubborn and not give us a chance. She told me if she has a 2nd thought she would tell me, but I don’t no she usually follows through on everything. The other day it was my B-day all she said to me was Happy B-day, no card except from my son, and a cake they got. (W) didn’t even have cake with us, as she didn't know how she felt about it. (W) tells me she hasn't been in this situation before, and wishes there was a book. I wanted to tell her to read DB&DR instead I told her neither have I and tried to be positive. I didn’t expect anything from her, but a card would have been nice. She told me she was sorry for crapping on my B-day oh well I made the best of it with my son and then went to class. Even my In-Laws whished a Happy B-day It’s not like are families are close by we are still a family. I’m just lost, hurt, scared don’t know what to do next any help would be appreciated. Thanks
Hang in there. You're not alone. While my sitch is different, in my case, I would love to hand that book to my W, but I know it would only be effective if she asked me for advice or made a comment that I could follow up with her. Me just suggesting it will be interpreted as a way of trying to get us back together, and thats against my 180 at the moment. My W totally went dark on our relationship - and I've learned here that I cannot fix her - so I'll wait her out to see where we go in time. You seem to be on right track with gym , etc. - keep that up. Hope this helps
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Yes - staying positive and staying strong is hard - I agree 100%. Every day can seem like a struggle. I've done lots of things in the last 9 months to find what works for me and I've found that even that changes from day to day. If it wasn't hard, and was easy, I guess we all wouldn't be here looking for suggestions, advice, answers. Some days bike rides after work help, and some days they remind me too much of past times so its poison. Same with music - can be real theraputic for me or real emotional. So I change my routines and activities to whatever is working positively for me, that day. that hour, etc......
I know what you're feeling all too well - and - as I was warned early on - there is a long road ahead in all probability - with no guarantees of anything. All you can do is try to remain positive about YOU and LIFE and SON. W is gonna be a crapshoot in my mind - no telling what or when or how it will end up. For me, realizing that I just can't control that (her feelings, her decision, her love, etc.) and I should concentrate on the things I can control is what helps me stay strong.
Just hang in there and be as strong as you are able - you may not realize it, but each day you make it thru your situation, is another day you've dealt with and become stronger.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Patience is the key here. It has been two years since I had the bomb dropped on me by my WAW and we have now been separated for about 8 months. I have spent this time concentrating on me instead of absorbing myself in what I should or should not do to make my WAW change her mind about leaving.
As a result I feel better about myself now than I have in years and it may have also paid off in that my WAW this morning told me that we should start spending weekends together. Not holding my breath as to whether this means a reconcilliation or not but it is a step in the positive direction for our family. Time will tell, but again I'm not rushing anything.
Patience is great, but it seems like 6 months is approaching fast one already down. Trying to be positive, happy to hear about your situation take it slow and hope all goes well.
Hey guys, (W) and I have been separated for about a month from our supposed in house separation. Lot of mixed messages anyway (W) is super depressed she with the help of our (MC) also my (IC) she is working to help me save our marriage. Although I was the one who left b/c at the time during one of our secession she was on the verge of breaking down and she said the best thing to help her was to leave. Our (MC) told us that who knows maybe what will happen maybe we will be stronger than before. Anyway there has been less drama than when we were in the house together. Last night was our (S) 5th grad graduation and we went together, talked laughed and yes. WE even went out to dinner still laughing and joking and with our son too it was like old times being like a family again (trying to stay positive). WE went back to the house and I was going to get my change of clothes and go but somehow was trying to fix the ac and they have so frozen yogurt with son. Later on I know I probably shouldn't offer to hug her, but I pulled her close to me and said come here and hug her and whispered in her ear thanks for yesterday and I was sorry for snooping. Then I said my feelings are real for her and not fake and wanted to make sure she knew. I also told her some of the stuff I read really hurt and she told me she was just angry. Then I kissed her forehead and hugged her again and she came closer to me and smelt my shirt. This is just crazy from where we were yesterday!! Next she asked me if I could bring our (S) to school so she could make some hrs. at work. (I said sure and she asked if she wanted her to make extra coffee for me) Anyway I was packing up the stuff I brought over and we still joked about some things, the only downer is to see how bear our room is now. How she is trying to get rid of things that remind her of us. (Oh well can’t let that get me down). (I don't know if I'm supposed to put my other thread in here or if I have to tell my whole story here again. I'm still new to this all) but I'm also in the newcomers thread. We are great friends, but call me stupid I can still feel the love and sometimes see it. I just can't figure her out. I don't know if anybody can even if she knows what she is doing? Trying not to over think and be patient it’s just hard b/c when I see this all the time I get very confused, one week or day good the next not so good. I do know she is more depressed than me and 'm trying to make change in me and do things I have not done for myself in a long time.( she has told me she has noticed , which I didn't think she did). I can forgive her for the pain she has caused me, but I think she has a hard time forgiving me for what I did. I also know (W) has told me she wants to become the person she wants to be rather than the person I'am/was she thinks she is a horrible person which I know is not true. How do I help her and try to save our marriage without pushing her away? She says she is trying to be more consistent meaning without me? I just get discourage sometimes not knowing what to do because when I see the dram and her crying I wasn’t to hug her, but I know I can't. last night was just mixed messages or was it true feelings (WTH) any suggestions? Would be appreciated, just like a rollercoaster each day..
