Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Scwred up and need advice

First, I am not the best at telling a story nor writing, so please bear with me. Plus I rewrote this several time and still don't think I got it right.

Well I am new to the soon to be divorced club. Been married for 9 years now. My wife told me 2 weeks ago that she was not in love with me. We had one fight, like many before, but this one made it the last straw for her.I brought up some minor things about the kids and their chores when she came home from work. I knew she had a bad day,but I didn't put that first. We argued, and I left to go cool off on the back of our farm. I needed time to cool off. She came out to me and started arguing with me. During this time, it was hot and the sun was blaring, so I was wearing a hat and glasses. She wanted to see me looking at her, so she went to pull them off me. As a reaction I defensively blocked her in the process hitting her. No closed fist ,just a instinct of swatting her away. I am not making excuses thought, I hit her.
She left, but I followed and apologized, but it did not help. That's when I got the I don't love you anymore and want a divorce.
This goes way back as I do have a temper and to be can be verbally abusive. I used to be physically abusive, but I did work on that and learned it was wrong. Until the last fight when i did the defensive hit.She told me she didn't want me to ever touch her again. It hit me hard. I knew I really messed up. She said that it was over.

Being we are strapped on finances, I moved out to the little mom in law apartment we have in the back of the house. I spent a bit and bought the Divorce Buster book and have been reading it, as well as reading on here.

I tried the not contacting her and going dark but, It is hard to break off all communication since we still are able to see each other. It worked for a few days into she started coming into the apartment wanting to talk. I tried to tell her she and I needed space, but she continues. When she does, I do now try to listen to every word and not fight or argue. This has worked until today. I finally came to her to talk, not about us, but our(my step)daughter. She is 14 but is now seeing a 18 year old boy. I did not approve, but she insisted it was a phase and they will break up quickly. I told (I know wrong) my wife that it is still wrong and something needs to be done. She disagreed saying interfering will drive her to the "boy". Then the fight began again. Now I am back to square one.


Sorry about the rambling in all directions, but I am trying to figure out what steps do I need to take.

On a up side,This will also help my writing skills.

Cajun ~
I think we're neighbors - ha! Coach and I live in a state with a lot of Cajuns,. Who dat!?

Now to your problem...do y'all have children together? You haven't left the home, right? You're just in the garage apt? Do you think there is another man in the picture? Have you been faithful? Have y'all been to counseling?

Greek

I have two step kids. A girl who is 14 and a boy 13. We have one kid together who is 6.

No I have not left the home or the property at least. I cant honestly say there is another. I have been verbally abusive for quite a while. I understand her side of things.

I have a session tomorrow. My wife refuses to go with me.

I messed up again tonight arguing with her. I made things a alot worse now. Now what have I done?

She now is going to a lawyer today and filing for divorce. I know it is not going to change the situation, but should I apologize for it? I know I have said hurtful things before and as always apologized. I know its meaningless now but should I do it anyway?

Basically we were discussing my 14 year daughter and her hanging around a 18 boy. I was trying to stress my concern about it but screwed up and brought up my wife's past. She had had a child when she was a teenager. I did not mean it to be mean, but just trying to point out I do not want my daughter getting caught up and making the same mistake. Well I know she wont, but being 18 mymyself once, there was only one thing on my mind with women.

Well my wife has a job interview today. I asked if afterwards if we could have a lunch date.
I'll keep my fingers crossed and be very supportive and attentative to her. I won't bring up last night or the separation.

Lunch went well. She talked I, for once, actually listened. It was so difficult to talk to her as strange as it may be. I was so nervous and didn't want to say the wrong things.

We did get side steped once or twice, but I just agreed and moved the quickly moved the subject to something else. She kept questioning me on why I would stare at her. I told her cause she was cute, but the "whatever" came right out of her mouth.

I didn't argue about it, just tried to convey it to her that she was.

I hope this went well.

Well done, you. And realize that she will NOT believe any of the changes in you for a while. She's been a student of history, Cajun, and she is cautious. She's learned to be cautious. So cut her slack there. For YOUR PART, you must not backslide. You must be consistently a good listener, a validator, a strong man, a smart man, a Good man.
Greek

I know she will not believe that this time I actually want to change. I have said it many times before, and I understand her side.

I'll feel so much better about myself when I know I have made a difference to her. Granted I feel better now anyways, minus the gut twisting of all this. Once step at a time.

Thanks Greek

Ok need a bit of help...

I am a little confused between going dark vs doing the 180. I would never really start a conversation or give her my full attention when we did actually talk. Since we split I did go dark, but read about doing a 180 to change. To me it was contradicting. SO I went on to actually start trying initiating a talk and have even text her. She knows texting is the absolute last thing I would do. do hate it, as one you cant convey tone or simply you arn't talking to someone.I have been doing it. Sending little messages like I used to do when we met, just by text this time.

I know its not supposed to change over night, but it doesn't seem to be working at at. She is not mad and she does reply to most of my messages, but sometimes I will compliment her on something, not sexual or relationship-wise, and she just blows me off. Should I continue or just stop altogether?

Tonight I spent alot of time with my son and youngest daughter playing the wii. She sent me a text that she thank me for spending time with them and then sent another stating good night. Should I respond or say goodnight back? I get so confused on what to do.