Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife abandoned me...Now What?

Why does she want to see the C alone if it didn't help the other time she tried it alone? Did you suggest going together?

Even though she says OM is out of the picture, she still wants to be single, so there's more to it than she's letting on. I'm not saying it's that particular OM.....but there's something else than just not wanting to be M, IMHO.

Has she noticed any positive changes in you?



Perhaps you misread her response in your no contact, also. However, I believe in doing what works (as long as it's the right thing), so you have to go with what appears to be doing that. But if contacting her more often goes on the positive side.....you need to tell MWD b/c I think it would be the first case. I have not seen a stitch where pursuing a WAW (especially one in an A) has worked.

Her first time with the counselor was devoted, I think, primarily to explaining herself and our situation to him from her point of view. I don't think it was really enough time for her to extract a lot of advice from him...and I think she realizes that now. I think her primary reason for going again would be to focus on her and her feelings...to see if he can help her make sense of it. Right now...she's basically going to the counselor for herself...not for "us." Obviously I want us both to be going together...but for now, I think I need to just be happy that she's at least going and seeking help.

From the onset of this whole deal, everything has happened very fast so I haven't had a lot of time to show her tons of positive changes. That being said, I did take every opportunity to show positive actions and she said she noticed and appreciated everything I was doing. That's good I guess.

At this point, I realize I need to take the advice from all the kind, and more knowledgeable members here like yourself Sandi. I need to put my faith in this advice and constantly do what I can to commit to not pursuing her any further...because I know this advice is being given for a reason.

Quick question though. If she emails/calls/texts...whatever...Should I answer back or ignore her attempts to communicate with me? If I do respond to anything she says, I will just be friendly, but business like as well...with no I love you's or any of that mushy talk...but should I even be responding at all?

Thank you again so very much for your advice! It really helps me get through a lot of this. =O)

Ok, I've done some more reading and think I found the answer to the question I posed above. I think it's ok to have simple pleasant conversations with her when SHE contacts me...but I won't initiate.

Another question though: She has a tennis court and pool at her new apartment, and before I committed to stop pursuing her, I mentioned that I'd love the chance to play her in tennis and then go swimming afterwords if she ever felt like it. She said she would give me a call if she ever had a good opportunity for this. I think she was really just open to this because she feels bad for what she's been doing, and wants to make me feel better...So if she does invite me over to play tennis and/or swim, should I accept or not? Is that pursuing?

Sorry you find yourself here Mike, but you sound ok - relatively speaking and considering the circumstances anyway .

It sounds like your wife went to C partly to lessen her guilt and to justify (at least in her own mind) what she was doing.

You'll find it's amazing how the typical WAS falls out of love, does not ever think they can be in love again with you, only wish they could feel that way again etc when there are 3rd parties involved. You're not unique in that sense. It's all (you guessed it) script.

Your W is still revolving her emotional fix around OM or similar. Just be the best you you can be, and someone whose life does not revolve around her, whose happiness is his own call. Stop comparing, judging, second-guessing etc. That includes the tennis / swim thing. Go if you feel like it. Don't if you don't. If she is doing it purely out of pity / guilt, and you are going hoping to see some spark / remorse, then please go catch a movie with someone else intead. That's my personal view.

Good luck.

Mike, I think she's still having the EA. I don't think she's being honest with you but rather trying (in her crazy way)give you just enough information to make it "easier" on you. The OM called to check on her! That is not good at all. Plus, she told you about it. I think that's her way of letting you know that OM is still out there and interested in her.

Don't profess your love to her. Don't proclaim your faithfulness and tell her you will stick it out no matter how long it takes for her to find herself or whatever. She needs to wonder if your love for her is gone. She needs to see you not as a victim--but a strong, confident man who is moving on with his life. She needs to think that you are not distroyed by her--and that your life goes on. It's better if she's wondering just how much longer you will endure a S, instead of knowing she has your heart in her pockett.

Mike I was going to do the same thing as your W has done. I was going to get an apartment so when OM came to town, we would have my place to conduct the PA. When he wasn't able to make it to my town then we would communicate by web. But, I knew my H would never help me financially and I could not make it on my own. I believe it is a big mistake for the LBH to help his W live apart from their home.

The tennis date? If she invites you, politely decline b/c you have other plans.

I think you need to choose the emails & calls wisely and continue to back off. If she doesn't love you and needs her space then why so many contacts?

I believe you were like so many other males. You thought things were fine until she hit you with the bomb. Apparently, there were emotional needs that she had that were not being met and she turned to OM.

I don't think she is completely through with you, but I think you need to handle your end very carefully.\

Thanks Sandi and Deep...I think you both are just spot on with this. I also think she is still in contact with the OM...at least over the phone/web. I guess whether the OM is involved or not...my game plan remains the same? That's what it sounds like as I can't prove she is talking to him, and I really can't stop it either.

I've been following the advice I got here as best I can. I keep myself upbeat and pleasant over the phone. I don't try to talk about our relationship or her Affair...but just regular everyday stuff. I try to keep my words brief, and say goodbye first. I don't say I love you, miss you, or any of that, like I had been doing for so long. Sometimes I let myself miss her call/text/email, and wait several hours or until the next day to return the message.

Most of our contact has to do with sharing time with our puppy, finances, or her sending me job postings...as I'm looking for a new job right now. Most of this is stuff I shouldn't avoid talking to her about...it just wouldn't make sense I don't think. She has been sending me more and more job postings, and has actually called a couple times this week...seemingly to make plans for taking our puppy for the weekend, but that quickly turns into normal friendly conversation and her asking about what I've been up to lately.

I honestly don't really know what to do about all the job postings she sends me. I know she's spending a lot of time looking for these on my behalf, and with each one I say thank you, and appreciate her help very much. I guess a nice "Thank you" each time would suffice and not be bad. WoW, I really hate feeling like I have to analyze and justify every single word I communicate with her!

I feel like I'm doing a little better lately...and probably because I've decided (with your help), on a game plan to focus on. With this goal in mind, I don't feel as much like I'm spinning in circles with my head cut off. I think this is the only thing really giving my peace right now...that I know I'm doing all that can be done. I still feel such unbelievable pain thinking of my life without her, what she's done, her affair, etc...and sometimes I just break down and can barely stand up...but a lot of the time, I just try to block those thoughts from my head and focus on something positive.

Beware of falling into the "BFF" trap that some WW lay. She may want to hang on to you as her best friend, but have OM as her lover. That's not what you want, right? So just be very watchful and realize that all her friendly chatting and being so helpful does not mean she wants anything "more".

Some people believe in being the best friend, but I think a WW needs to see what her life would be like without the H.

Sandi...I hadn't really thought of that dynamic but I understand what you're saying. Do you have any advice on how to avoid that situation? Do I need to stand more firm (be more in her face) in opposition of her having any type of relationship outside our marriage. I've already told her I would give her space to help herself, but I would not stand for her pursuing another relationships right now...and that if she did, I would file for divorce myself.

Desperately need help on this!!!

A bunch of my friends came in from out of town this weekend to stay with me, see each other, and basically have a fun get-to-gather over the weekend. My wife and I had planned for her to take our puppy for the weekend since I would have too much company and stuff going on...and plus, she missed spending time with our puppy.

After I let her know that my friends and I had all left the house for the night, my wife came over to get the dog. When we all got back home...I found a card waiting on my pillow from my wife. The actual letter reads: (Outside) Whats Up?, (Inside) Been thinking of you!. What she personally wrote in the card is this: Hey!, Just wanted to say hi and hope everything is going alright. I know you have a fun weekend planned with your friends so I wanted to give you a little something. I know it's not much, but have some drinks on me. I'm not doing this because I pity you Michael, or I feel sorry for you - I'm doing it because I want to and I care. Have a great weekend and I'll call you Sunday evening before I bring Sophee back. Have fun this weekend, (heart), Me. P.S. I put some pumpkin bars in the refrigerator =)

She left me $40 in the card and desert in my fridge!!!!!! WTF do I do?!?!?!?! It's sweet and insulting at the same time!!! I'm going to respectfully thank her for the money, but give it back and suggest we use it to buy food for our puppy instead of beer for me...but aside from that...I don't know how I should respond/react to this gesture!

AAAAAAHHHHHHH...LOL Please help!!!

Well here's the thing, the two of you are S and you have told her you are giving her space. So with that statement you need to back wayyyyy off and leave her alone. I suggest no contact initiated by you. I would be watchful of friendly chatting induced by her and always have a backup plan to tell her you have to go, you are busy, etc. If she asks what or where....you quickly say, "I've got to go, bye". You do not give her the honor of telling her what/who/when of your plans. That not only makes you unavailable to her but puts mystery in it.

As far as getting in her face is concerned.....I think it is better to show a calm strength about yourself. You lay the boundary ONCE and if she disrepects it, then you don't "remind" her what it was.....you act on it.

You have told her already that if she pursues another R at this time, you will file for D. Now I want to warn you.....she probably will. What would be the point of her wanting to live alone? She thinks she can keep her A with OM under cover and dangle you on the other line. You actually gave her more of an ultimatim that a boundary buy since you've told her that.....she would need to see you stand by what you say, so be careful what you throw out there.

I think MWD supports being friends when the S leaves. I just have a different point of view. I think she should feel the sting of living without you. If she loses the friendship factor, and begins to feel a void with you out of her life then it should cause her to start seeing reality more clearly instead of the fantasy she's trying to live in.

I think you should politely tell her that you appreciate her attempts at trying to find job postings,but that you will handle it.

I think when she left you money on the pillow, she truly wanted to do that for you.....without any embarrassment in front of your friends (that's why she left it on the bed instead of the kitchen or somewhere they might notice). W's forget how this makes a man feel worse...not better.



That's a great idea. Just wait untill she asks how the weekend went and then tell her.

The desert, etc., is an attempt to keep an emotional line connected to you. She wants "reminders" left around the house so you'll have to continue to rememer her. When friends ask about the desert, then she figures you'll have to tell them where it came from and then that will start a conversation about the stitch.