Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Madonna/Whore Part 8 (aka Attachment Therory)

Heywire,

Of course he can... and once he "hooks" you to re-enmesh, then he can start dumping on you again. Still think that isn't narcissistic?

Cobra - I am not saying he doesn't have some narcissistic tendencies (but don't we all??) but he is definitely not a fullblown one and it is easy to see that the traits he uses to "pump himself up" are solely because of his lack of self esteem, or whatever. I truly don't believe he feels superior to others

I went to that website that you suggested and there is WAY more that is NOT him than is. So do you label someone with narcissistic traits and try and "treat" them that way when there are only some characteristics. I am sure I could label him in oodles of other categories too, but what good would that do.

Right now all I am trying to do is find a way of dealing with this without going insane

What I am more concerned about right now is him falling back into a depression mode - I don't think I could deal with that again

He reduced his meds a couple of months ago, with the approval of his GP, but I find there are little things that resemble him slipping back (i.e. sleeping more). Now, maybe I am just paranoid, but he used to sleep ALL the time when he was depressed. However, he does have a job where he doesn't get much continuous sleep so uses that as his "out" when he wants to lay down. Now, taking a nap here and there is one thing but yesterday he laid down for 2½ hours in the morning and another 2 in the afternoon - seems rather excessive to me.

However, if I say anything I get the perverbial "I don't get much sleep during the week and I am just catching up" which might have some merit but he just seems to be doing it more lately

I guess I need to broach this subject again because that's the last thing I need and he is unable to recognize it in himself (and he told the doc he would get ME to monitor him)

Heywire,

I’m not saying he is full blown narcissistic. But narcissism IS based on lack of self esteem and trying to paint a different face than who you truly are. That does not mean he has to be arrogant. He just has to perceive himself in a false way to who he really is.

The only reason I found the website interesting is that it is so comprehensive and there is a “pigeonhole” that will fit almost everyone. But once you find a fit, then you can get some insight into what makes that particular type of narcissist tick. That should help in knowing why the person acts as s/he does and how best to respond. It should also help develop empathy, at least it did for me.

Lou, actually my words were a bit stronger than that, I told him "there would NOT be another anniversary." There was no "might not be" to it. And yes, it did get his attention...but that was because he believed I meant it, because I did.

And THAT'S the key - that they actually know that you mean business. If they just think you are blowing hot air, forget it

All the more reason for me to be absolutely positive before I start shooting my mouth off about what I may or may not do

Of course there's the chance that you won't be absolutely positive and ready to shoot off your mouth until you're irrevocably convinced.

a baby step

The cold shoulder was broken this morning when H asked if I wanted him to meet me for lunch today (because it's his day off) and I told him no, because I was going to have to get used to him not being there on his days off anyway, to which he said "why" and I told him "I have been doing some thinking the past couple of days and maybe you are right, you can't give me what I need/want"

He started to backpedal (which I thought he might) and tried to give some lame excuse of not putting all our attention into each other and how people needed to have friends and family for a balance blah blah blah. I said "yes, I agree but your spouse is that one person you should have that emotional connection with and if you don't have it, what's the point of staying together". That seemed to hit home

He immediately jumped in (whereas usually he would get defensive) and said "I know the sexual side of our R has not be easy and I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you but I have been getting aroused almost all the time when we go to bed and cuddle in the nude and I think with just a little more time, we can make this work". I said "and how long am I supposed to wait this time?" to which he tried to make a joke (his way of dealing with a tense situation) and said "10-20 years?" - I didn't laugh

He got serious again very quickly and said "I thought lately you were holding back sexually to pay me back for all the times I turned you down in the past. I know that isn't right and I should have told you that huh? after all, communication is the key here" - well DUH!!

I agreed it was and he said he would make more of an effort sexually because he feels if we "get back to normal in that department, the other (emotional connection) will return."

Now, the interesting part in all of this is he said it would "return" therefore indicating it WAS there at one time (which I have always felt) and I do believe he wants it there again too

In the meantime, he has agreed to still enquire about the other therapist that does ISTDP (however, we have chosen someone other than who the ST recommended because of an indiscretion I found out about the other guy)

HW
He got serious again very quickly and said "I thought lately you were holding back sexually to pay me back for all the times I turned you down in the past. I know that isn't right and I should have told you that huh? after all, communication is the key here" - well DUH!!
So how do you get past the holding back, because I see this as a common problem?

People hold back because they don't want to get hurt again and there is some deep seated resentment/payback going on.

I see BB doing this and I do it. I don’t like it but that is what happens.

The books and T say to let go of the past. You can’t un experience events. I know a person can do according to a plan that is supposed to work, but even though you do the activity a new way, doing so doesn’t always extinguish all of the dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors. A god topic for the next T session.

I think doing more PT activities, along with some I like it when you do X, it feels Y, would help you two to build trust at a higher level. I also take into consideration Mr. HW might think the PT you two have now is as far and fast as he can go.

HW, what I am finding out and experiencing is if I have a goal and want something to happen in our M, I sacrifice honesty for perceived good results. Then the waters get muddied.

I don’t know if what I am doing, letting go of some part of the outcome, is going to bring BB and me to where I thought we should be, all I know is I don’t want to do all of the swimming in place I have done. I still want to swim, but I have to move some direction, even if it isn’t exactly where I want to be.

Lou

Quite frankly Lou, now that he has told me that is the reason he was holding back, I will be fine initiating.

Originally, before we had all these problems, he told me he didn't like me initiating (therefore I stopped). However, the main thing is he told me so now, when I feel the "urge" I will approach him yet again. I know it is going to feel awkward at first but I am sure we can get past that pretty quick