Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife abandoned me...Now What?

Guys, what you're all saying makes really good sense to me. I'll start doing my best to focus on myself, enjoy some freedom, and at least in my mind start to move on with my life as if she's never coming back. That way at least I won't be starting from square one if she files for divorce down the road.

Thank you all so much!

Mike 4545 - I haven't been on long, but like you, I read many posts before signing up. I empathize with your situation. However, I agree with everyone here with not pursuing. It was one of the biggest mistakes I made for months.

Keep your head up and keep standing for YOU.

(((HUGS))

Sounds like a plan to me!

Mike........where are you? You out looking for that room mate?

Hey Sandi...Yeah I think I've got a buddy that will be able to move in with me in August hopefully. This would be great as bills/mortgage are difficult on my own.

As far as No Contact with my wife...it's proving very difficult even when I know it could be a mistake to talk to her. Everyone tells me to stop contact with her as much as possible because it will push her away even more, make me look unattractive, weak, and needy...but when I've gone a week or two with little to no contact...she seems to pull away even further than when I do talk to her more regularly. She's very good at hiding herself from the pain and problems that we are dealing with when I'm not around. I think she feels a relief from it, and she sees that relief as a sign to her that she's doing the right thing by leaving, even without addressing our issues with me or with our counselor. Hell, her hiding from our issues is a major contributor in getting us to this point. She never sought help to deal with our problems in an effective way, and never let me know how much she was struggling. Since I was blind to everything, she was left to deal with all our crap on her own in a way that led to this mess...and I think the more space I give her, the more she is just falling back into this same mindset. It just doesn't seem productive at all.

I broke down and asked her to meet with me to talk about some stuff that has been bothering me. I just have so many unanswered questions and confusions that I want explained otherwise I feel like I'd go insane. I just can't walk away not knowing certain things. She has maintained that she feels it's too late for our relationship to survive, but said she wants to help in any way possible to make this whole ordeal easier on me. It doesn't seem at all like she's trying to keep a foot in the door with me while she tries out something different...it really seems like she just cares about my well being and wants me to be ok with what happens. I know that sounds stupid in a way because she is the one causing it all, but maybe she just feels real bad about what she's doing even though she thinks it's still in our best interests.

We met for dinner and then had a talk afterwords at our house. It was pleasant and went well...and after the talk she seemed optimistic again about going back to our counselor...which I see as a very good thing because as I tell her, I think we both need to find peace for ourselves and our relationship whether it ends or not. I think that our counselor could help each of us with that. We hadn't talked much in a couple weeks the last time I brought up the counselor...and she didn't really think she would go back. This time, I've been in more regular contact with her about our situation...and after our last talk, she's going to go back to the counselor...although by herself again. I just don't know what the hell is going on. Our conversations are real nice and caring...we don't fight or argue...and they actually seem to help her snap out of her emotionless daze...So I don't know if I really should stop talking to her. She thanked me and said she is really impressed with how I've handled everything thus far, and that she wished she had half the strength I do for dealing with our situation...so it seems like my continued contact isn't making me look weak and unattractive...but I guess she could be saying that just to make me feel better.

I just don't really know what to do now. It just seems like the more space she is given...the easier it is for her to hide from everything and walk away. When we actually talk things out is really the only time I've seen slight improvements as far as getting her to continue professional help.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Basically she says that she doesn't think she could ever be "in love" with me again. She says that if she knew she could have those feelings again, she would do anything to get them back. I think it's absolutely possible for her to regain that "love" for me again, but we would have to put ourselves in the right situation to foster those feelings...and I think that more emotional space and time apart is just more of the same crap that got us to this point.

Out of town trip can't hurt, neither can a cruise or a vegas trip.

HAHA...that would be great and I wish we could! But she isn't open to doing things like that with me.

Put on a fake beard and mustache and some dreadlocks and act like your some OM.

I want to add something else and get feedback from everyone about it.

Sandi, there is still more above that I hope you read as I would greatly appreciate your input on it as well.

Our dinner/talk was the result of a letter I wrote her a couple days before. It basically said that I'm willing to spend the next six months or whatever time it takes in limbo, if it would allow her to get help for herself, discover what she needs to be happy, and get to a stable emotional base from which to make a decision on our marriage. That being said, I wrote that I was not willing to continue on this path if she just used the space to continue her affair or pursue any other relationship. I said that to do so, would be unfair to me and would just be stringing me along...and that I would not stand for it. I said that if I found out she was continuing her affair, that I would just get the divorce papers in order myself.

Well she said that she wasn't pursuing her relationship with the guy in Chicago, or with anybody else...but that she still knows that it is too late for us. She said she didn't want to lead me along and string out my suffering because her feelings hadn't changed in the 3 weeks that we'd been separated..."Well Duh," I thought...I didn't even think 3 weeks would be anywhere near the time needed for anything to change." She said she would contact a lawyer and figure out what needs to be done for the divorce. I was distraught over this as it seemed like she was basically saying "Well ok, I'm not ready to end my affair, I don't want to string you along, so lets get the divorce and I can run off with the OM and you can begin to move on for yourself."

I told her this is how her response read to me, and she told me that isn't what she was saying. She said she didn't know if she'd even ever talk to the OM again, and that she may in fact move to Florida (NOT CHICAGO WAHOO!) to be close to her sister's family. She said she really just wants to be alone, that she hasn't moved on from our relationship, that she isn't ready to be in another relationship yet, but that she also doesn't want me to wait for her since she doesn't think there is any hope because her feelings aren't changing yet.

Well I actually kind of believed her. She seemed very sincere that our marriage wasn't what she thought she needed, but also that another relationship isn't what she wants right now either...and was very concerned that I thought she wanted out to run after another guy. With that said, if she really didn't want to string me along while pursuing another relationship...then I didn't want her to start the divorce process...and I told her that. I told her it was just all too much for me to handle emotionally in such a short time period, and to hold off on any divorce actions so I could get in a more stable mindset to deal with it.

My reason for this action is this: If she really isn't screwing me over by pursuing an affair during this limbo period, then I wanted her to have more time to get help, more time to see what she's losing, more opportunity to realize that our marriage can be saved, and that she can get her feelings back for me. I felt that a divorce right now would be premature and would take away any chance we may have to save our marriage. Soooo...I don't think she's moving forward yet with the divorce and I think this is a good thing. What do you guys think? Was it a good idea to put that to a halt?