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Hey Mach, I'm a little slow on the uptake lately. Im not sure what all the coughing and sneezing was about. You feeling ok? LOL!

Eric, I hear you on the legal stuff. It sucks big time. Just do the best you can. One day at a time.

Hey Eric,
I don't know if this counts as advice but I can tell you that once my W and I got the legal stuff behind us, things got a little better. Are you guys working on a Sep Aggreement?

I had alot of agnst and apprehension around the separation aggreement and really felt I was helping end my M which I desparately did not want to do.

Once I thought about it from her perspective I realized that a separation aggreement for her is a safety net. Maybe before your W can begin to let her guard down she might want to feel like she has a "safety net".

As much as we don't trust our wives, they equally don't trust us.....they don't want to let down thier guard. They do not want to get hurt again, they see some changes in us for sure but they are looking for a guarantee and it they might feel like that legal document is the parachute. It sucks but that is what we have to give them.

It definitely is a delicate balance between protecting yourself and your kids and trying to keep the peace between you and your W.

Missher

Thank you for your post. In my state we are technically legally separate right now. Once a filing is made you are legally separated and automatic court orders are put in effect i.e. cannot transport the kids out of state, continue to pay bills, etc. So we are separated.


Oh...did you say agnst - yeah I feel that right now. I helped provide all of the info that she needed and the next steps are for the 4 of us (me, her and both L's) to sit down and see if we can hammer out an agreement. If we can then our next court date would be 8/14, at which time we will be divorced. If we cannot agree on things then wewill need to litigate, which I think both of us do not want.


I agree 100% that the trust is gone right now. Could it be rebuilt – yes. The issue we BOTH have is that neither of us wants to get hurt again and which one of us is willing to bend. I suspect (must point out that this is my projection of what she is feeling and I know it is just that) that she feels a sense of “entitlement” and appears to still be in a “victim state” – in other words she is not yet ready to look at her own issues. I now understand that this is outside of my control.


I’m not sure my W does… sorry to say. IMO – while OM is in the picture and with the girlfriends more than likely egging her on, I do not believe that she will see anything. Right now, she is happy. Right now, she has no incentive to really work on herself. None. This too I cannot control. I am not trying to be negative just realistic. What I do have control over is ME. How I react. I am taking time right now to really heal. To really focus on letting her go. She continues to be civil as do I but I am not ready to “take a step”, while someone else is in the picture. Deep down she knows that I love her. Right now…it is so about her and I understand that, which I why I let go. She may stumble, she may not. As her world changes and evolves – so does mine. Do I still want my M? Yes. Do I control what she feels? NO. I have finally learned the lesson that I was meant to learn. I have finally learned her own growth as a person, as a women was stunted. Was I totally to blame? No. She will need to learn the lesson of life that I have learned. Some will come with consequences, some will not. Either way, I will always love her and will always be there for her regardless of what she does or says to me. This my friend is my gift. It is in a weird way…her gift to me…the gift of true love….. My gift to her is the same….true love. The love to let her be….let her grow into the person that SHE wants to be…not that I WANT her to be.


You are correct. I will not contest the D but will protect my interest, specifically my kids and the ability to at least cloth, house and feed myself.


Oh…yes it is!!!!! Delicate balance is an understatement. I have found that we have both done things to protect our interest. Unfortunately, it is the nature of the beast. Keeping the peace….my goal. I will do the best that I can. I have no expectation from her. The only one I guess that I truly have is that she will continue to worry about herself, which I understand. I do not believe that she intentionally hurts me – she herself hurts.

Miss – I have watched your sitch from a distance. I have seen the positives from you W. I have seen you fall and then pick yourself up. You have been an inspiration to me – thank you for that.

God Bless,
Eric

Eric,
I have been reading and re-reading what you have written and I just want to say I think you have a good handle on where you are at right now.

You know you are not ready to "bend" or "take a step" right now. But I think at some point in the future, you may be ready to let down your guard, take a chance, be vulnerable, and you will know if and when you are ready.

Hope you have a great weekend !!

All
Figured I would provide everyone with an update on where I am both emotionally and legally.

From a legal perspective, all of my financial information has been provided to my L and my W has copies for her attny. Both attny will run their financial models and then will arrange a sit down between the four of us in order to determine whether or not we can reach an agreement on things. So from a legal perspective things are moving forward. W and I remain civil. No R discussion. It is clear that she has moved on. Actions, as well as know speak louder than words.

From an emotional perspective, I continue to feel a great deal of loss, which I believe is normal. Interesting enough, I also feel a huge sense of accomplishment at the same time so it is an interesting ride that I am on. I still struggle some days but it is a different kind of struggle - very different. I struggle more with MY emotion, which I know are mine to deal with; than I do about my W. I know I will survive this, I feel it – yet I do not feel whole just “yet”. Although I know that the “yet” will come, a part of me is still missing right now. On some days/nights my heart still aches for the women that I fell in love with.

Yes…I still hurt….I can say this. I hurt though; because I choose not to run from the pain but rather to run towards it. Why? It is in this hurt that is the answer that I need for ME. In this hurt, is me. I know that there will come a point where out of the ashes rises Mr. Sant….me! A new, strong, open, exposed (not what Mach probably thinking – LOL) me…exposed for who I am. The perception of others is just that – their perception, which may or may not be my reality. The feelings of my W…well they are just that - HER feelings. Most of the time…I can feel my strength returning. I can feel my healing coming on..and then…then….sorry to say….I stumble a bit. That my friends is the truth…

When I am down…I’ve learned to pick my latin butt up and keep moving…keep pressing on….keep fighting for me. This I must do alone.

I am looking forward these days. I am trying to frame out what my new life will be. A life that involves me and my kids. A life with new memories that I will create.

For you old timers who know the angst that I felt about my sons..know this……My boys are getting closer to me these days! Their friends now call me “DaddyO”. Most of the teenagers in my town know me. It puts a smile on my face when I think of the statements like…..“Hey DaddyO…can you give me a ride home”. Now truth be told….the DaddyO does make me feel a little old – but hey I know I’m still a cute spring chicken – LOL.

When I started down this process I “felt” I lost my babies…I “felt” I lost everything…..and then slowly….very slowly….I found and realized that I did not lose them…rather THEY found ME. Oh…the irony of it. Months…searching for them….to finally realizes that they were looking for me.

My boys ask me how I am doing these days when I get home. My oldest son (the tough one) seems just a tad closer to me. As for my daughter….well for those of you who have “heard my interactions with her on the phone”….you guys know just how much I mean to her and she means to me. The R between her and I is tighter than a….(I better not touch that one ). My oldest wants to help me these days. I reflect on this….and then realize….they KNOW…..they KNOW….the really know just how much I love them….They KNOW the MAN that is there father.

For any newcomer reading this...please focus on those "feelings" - listen when people tell you that they will change. For a dad that "feels" that he will lose his kids - you will not if you just LOVE THEM.

God Bless everyone,
Eric

Now *this* just makes me want to cry.

Good work, DaddyO.

You know I'm a bit of a Pollyanna, but just think of how you would have missed out on this with your kids had you not been going through this hell. Yes, this will hurt them, D can't be easy on kids. But they are getting to know the man their father is. And that, my friend, is invaluable and will far & away outweigh the negative.

Every time.

Keep loving them. You are a great daddy.

I wish I can tell you that the hurt goes completely away. I can't. There are days when it can still take my breath away.

The difference is that is becomes less sharp, less intense. But, really, the difference is in how I choose to look at them.

As for your kiddies, they know who you are, they do. They are always watching and listening. That is why we must always try to do the right thing. We must always try to take the right path.

You have shown them a man of strength, honor and integrity. Those are your gifts to them.

Good for you, my friend, good for you.

B - as always thank you. I think I am finding that area of peace that we all look for. I'm not sure if this is acceptance or what but I am finding some comfort.

I still am very much in love with my wife. Enough so that our interactions are cordial. I know that emotionally I am closed off to her. Although I miss her I feel like I cannot let her in. Her actions continue to say that she has moved on,so I have accepted it and hope that one day she comes to a realization that I am not the cause of all of her issues.

I spoke with my MIl today who is still holding out hope. Still believes that the M can be saved. My MIL is in pain - she is still angry with my W, yet continues to show my W love. We spoke in length about me and W.

My MIL confirmed what I have finally begun to accept and that is that 1) I was not the monster that I was made out to be 2) I have always been a good father and that now I am a great father 3) that I am a good man. My MIL feels that I should not budge on the custody issue.

Her comments about my W were not as pleasant. She feels my W is living in a dream, is not taking her mother responsibilites seriously and is infatuated with OM.

I tried to explain to her that my W is going thru a lot. She is trying to be a "strong" person right now. She is trying to really find outwho she is. I also explained that W will need to learn the lessons of life on her own. That MIL and I cannot fix this. As I explained to MIL, I was offered the opportunity to make mistakes in life and that my W shoulld be afford the samE. Interesting I thought to myself...here I am justifying my W behavior. So questionb for this wonderful people on the boards. Is this normal? Is it normal to defend someone who right now feelsis trying to D me.

Eric

Eric - To be able to show compassion and understanding under the trying circumstances that you are currently facing and to actually defend your W's behavior to your MIL shows incredible maturity and the unconditional love the you have for your wife.

The irony is that every woman wants to be loved the way you love your wife and she just doesn't see it now.

Stay the man you are...you are special

Eric, as I told you last night ... I defended my H (not excused) to my friends and family right from the beginning. I recently stood up to my mother again and explained that we've all loved H for 15 years and for those 15 years he has been a good husband, father, SIL, BIL and friend. I told them that our situation was made by both of us and I would not let them demonize him. He is hurting.

He needs to do what he needs to do and this is our marriage and I need to be supported for the choices I make related to it.

I too think that your behaviour exemplifies unconditional love and compassion. You're a gem

Peace
PEI