Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers how can i save my marriage?

thanks TH. i agree. i do not want to give up anymore info yet. having only found out yest (!!), i limited my approach yest to her saying "something is not right bc lack of intimacy, emotional distancing..." her reply: anger and denial which i know to be a pack of lies. i need a name and particulars. with that i will confront her and out the OM to his W and family/friends. her sister, my MIL? my 15 y/o suspects something too. i am reluctant to let her in on anything bc she is too young, no?

but let the chips fall where they may once i have the info? asking her to leave? that is huge. betw my W and i, she knows i am the breadwinner and she is SAHM. but that is also bone of contention for us @ times bc she says i dont respect her and what she does (which is not true). i help and cook and clean as well when not working. but too much work? not enough talk and feeling and emotion and listening to her which is what my 180s are about. i could not imagine how that will go over. i will hear it about her resentment of me, i am "vindictive," that is why "ILYBNILWY," "i feel the marriage is over and do not wish to be with you" (which she has said more or less), "you need to find someone else...." whew!

but you are sooooo right. i AM in shock. there is a sense of numbness. i know i not alone in feeling this way. there is comfort in knowing there have been others here before me. i can only take hope that i can make it thru for my sake, her sake, our children's sake!!

I'm a husband to a SAHM too.

Let me explain something to you that I've just figured out. They're not going to feel like you respect them unless you ASK them what you can do to help.

Does she have a system? Is she OCD sort of? There is a reason for that. Anything other than exactly the way she runs things creates resentment.

Look, if you're wife is having some kind of affair (and it sounds like it from what you have posted here), your first orders of business are protecting yourself and your kids. Period.

You will not only make it through this, you will be stronger and better once you get past the trauma and detach.

But... once you confront her, there's a good chance she will deny it even if your proof is iron-clad.

That's why you need to be prepared for what is going to happen.

"I will not live in an open marriage" is your boundary. You will have to enforce it.

If she crosses that boundary after you confront her, you have to be prepared to enforce the boundary, so you may want to see a Family Law attorney ASAP. They usually charge about 250 for a consultation and around 1500 or more for a retainer.

The attorney can answer questions like "what do I do if she won't leave?".

Because if she doesn't end the EA/PA immediately, you are going to be exposing the affair to folks who will support your M and OM's wife if he has one, and then it's going to get ugly for a bit.

If she does end it after exposure, another condition you have on her staying is a good pro-marriage family therapist.

If she doesn't accept this, then you need to enforce your boundary, and that's why you talked to an attorney.

It's going to be tough no matter how it goes down, but you must always let "Doing what is right" be your guide.

She's having an affair. Bust the affair before you do anything else.

thanks again TH and coach. my instinct to certainly bust the affair. make no bones about it. i will not allow it to go on. option A or trying to have the best of both worlds is a no go.

i have told her in the past that i do not want an open marriage. absolutely not. wow. lawyer tho. ooh. big step, no?

if i read u right Coach, bust the affair first, yes? and if i read u right TH, think lawyer as well (probably as soon as I can). she said she went to one yest but she was in her work out shorts and top. plus no $$ exchanged hands i think, so not believable. OM more believable.

but lawyer before busting? i am still gathering my data. i have employed a couple of things on our computers and soon her mobile. i think the computer stuff will start to show fruit soon. i am working evenings this whole weekend, and i think that is when she does her talking with the OM. couple nights ago i fell asleep really early and during her chat with the OM on FB she told him that she checked on me and i was asleep.

she is using skype on her mobile i think bc she said she would "call" and there are no records of phone calls on our home or cell phones.

wow. my head is spinning. i am afraid. i only wish to do what is right for me, my children and ultimately her. she seems so f-ing confused! all over the place. what is the point to going to MT tomorrow? so we can arrive at "peace" for the sake of our kids and move on to divorce? i for one have no interest in leaving our house and finding a place to live. i am not the one carrying on an EA and possibly PA (for the 2nd time!!! albeit maybe same OM?). my ultimatum will be about her leaving but how can i do that when i need someone to care for the kids (there are 5 after all) and one is a 4 y/o preschooler who goes to am classes M-W-Fr? i work irreg hours from 1st to 2nd shifts mostly w/ some 3rd shifts thrown in. i have no family close by. my mother is in Florida in not the greatest health. MIL? forget it. other family. zero.

we saw a MT last year but it was re-hash of our childhoods, blah, blah, blah. we are seeing someone else who i first started seeing for my anger issues and he seems nice enough. i recently asked him what is his take w/ marriage. he responded that he is neither pro nor con. he only wants us to make what we consider to be the best decision. when he said that, something lurched inside of me. uh-oh i said. i hope he doesn't turn out to be someone who derails my efforts at reconciliation. ugh. i guess that is my fear and stress talking.

I am saying you will need to talk to a lawyer if you need to enforce your boundaries because she continues to not respect them.

You cannot worry about how she is going to react other than to protect yourself and your family.

You are not having the affair. Your boundary is that you will not live in an open marriage: confront, monitor, if she contacts him, expose to OM's wife if he has one, and so on. Bust the affair, protect yourself and protect your kids.


Enforce your boundaries.

You said you would like to hear from another WAW....so here I am. The answer to all those questions you asked about your WAW.....is yes, yes, yes......yes to everything you asked. Crazy,huh?

Now, are you ready to do something about this stitch or are you willing to settle for a BABYSITTER for your five kids?

I'll be straight with you....I really want to help,but frankly, I'm getting pretty tired of spending a lot of time trying to help LBH's when they are too scared to do what needs to be done. When I read the last couple of posts and saw you backpeddle......then I knew.

She has had no consequences from any of these affairs, and I can tell you this much.....as long as she does not have to suffer some type of "loss" as a consequence of her adulty, then it will not stop! You can think about what all that "loss" could be and then tell me if that 15 yr old needs to know what's going on with mommy.

thanks sandi. u r right. tough love. i have back pedalled at times. my big deal is cooking, especially breakfast. as recently as last week i was making her an omelette before she went off to the gym where she has been going religiously since the beginning of the year. fool i am.

i AM ready to do something about my sitch. although i seem to be racked by indecision, i have a good sense of what needs to be done which is coincidentally what i feel i need to do. BUST THE AFFAIR. for that i need more info bc when i confront her i need the name, location, etc of the OM. when i do it i plan on outing him to everyone. f that. i'll be damned if i let them play their f-ing game behind me and the OMW. consequences be damned bc if we were not meant to be then so be it. i cannot live w/ someone knowing they do not value nor respect me enough to keep from doing something which is just plain wrong, a betrayal of your vows. how can that be ok or justified? i have not been the greatest of spouses in the past. i know this. but i AM trying now. too bad i do not seem to be getting a fair shot. i need to grow a set sometimes. i should be firm but nice, strong but respectful. all the things a person finds attractive in a man.

u r so right. she has had no consequences from these affairs. none. after the first time, she swore she would not contact him anymore. don't know if that has held true. i will know in the next couple of days as the data rolls in. as for this 2nd time or maybe a re-hash of the first time? my money is on a re-hash.

absolutely. there has to be a loss of some sort. telling my 15 y/o? hmmm. very tempting. i hate to place her on the spot. i might say it like your mom and i are going thru hard times and i suspect there might be more going on with your mother. i am reluctant to lay out completely bc i do not want to pit her against her mother, although it is her mother who is jeopardizing our family of over 15 y and the future of her children.

i do not want a babysitter for the kids. i want a wife or @ least a mother who understands that engaging in an EA/PA is not the right thing to be doing nor the best example. then again she is NOT thinking straight. how can she be? anyone who would pull some of this [censored] has to be out of their mind, at least part of the time. what a cluster f! at times she seems ok but then i find that crap on the computer just 2 d ago. she is acting like a lovesick teen hell bent on having a good time. she does not feel as if her emotional needs are being met (straight out of www.marriagebuilders.com). i know. but i am willig to work on that too.

i was thinking about cancelling her gym membership which she prizes highly. when i have mentioned that sort of thing in the past she has called me vindictive and "that is why i no longer love you nor can i be with you." but that is total bs. i would be a pushover for letting her have her cake and eat it, wouldn't i?

but if this sort of thing is truly an addiction how do you get thru to them? family members all around? shock treatment? i would most def consider that.

can someone provide me with a link to either puppy's or someone else's approach to busting an affair?

thank you all for the oodles

of advice.

Okay, my computer is running really slow tonight so I won't be able to post much right now. But first (before I forget), I want to say this about your 15 yr old. You exposing her mother's A to her should be saved for the very last. But the reason I brought it up in my first post was to point out something. In my case, the thought of my children(who are grown)being told about my EA/on-line-activity was more than I could bear. In fact, when my H confronted me.....I told him I would hate him till the day I died if he breathed a word to my kids. You see, that was "my" greatest "loss". To lose the position of honor and respect that they had always had for me was just too much. The second greatest loss would have been for my relatives/community/church/friends/workplace......in other words...the world....to know what I had done. My reputation.....my good name was very important to me.

As it turned out, my H did not "have" to out me to my kids b/c my D discovered what was going on when she got on my home computer. Apparently it was not intentionally, but it happened and she did not tell me for quite some time. I can admit, now, that that shocked and feeling that horrible shame had the greatest affect in shaking me out of the WAW "fog" that I was in.

Perhaps the picture of motherhood does not matter to your W. Maybe her D finding out is not that important to her, IDK, but "something" is. I was simply using that as an example.

Please do not do anything right now b/c you would be acting from emotions....and you don't want to do that. Just like exposing her to family, etc., is not to be vindictive. For now, you need to continue to gather your information of her activity. Yes, I was hard against snooping, at first. Know why? B/c I had that to happen to me! But, after much work on myself.....and after reading thousands of Pup's post....I was finally convinced. It must be done in order to know what is going on and how to proceed with the right results.

So, don't go blab to your D or anyone else, for now. I think I got your attention....

Well I ended up saying more than I intended, but I will get back with you. If you go over to the Infidelity forum, you'll find Puppy, Allen, and some more. Be prepared b/c it isn't for sissy's.......but you'll have it laid out in how to do what you need to do.