Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

OK, back to my original thought, play squash with him. No pressure and no expectations. Go back to being the woman he feel in love with. Be very sensual when you play - get all the senses involved (be a cupcake). Be mysterious when you leave, be the first to go, be interesting and interested, always have a plan, be clear about your goals and have some fun.

Cheers

i agree. looking back, i shouldn't have knocked on his door.


i didn't read DR. i read DB.
i have to order DR.
i have been pretty laid back. i haven't done much to 'chase' even when the d-bomb was dropped.
for me, my pride stopped me from pursuing. why should i pursue someone who obviously found me revolting? i'm better than that.


i want to share with you something that really bothered me about my ic session.

i was still very angry when during my last ic session.
she has been trying to get me to 'move on' because he's checked out.
i said i have no closure. and she said i may never get it.
this made me even more angry because it meant that i had no say in the matter. i had no control.
i said the only explanation i had was the fertility issue and how i suspected that the problem was with him.
she said that is possibly the reason.
to which i loudly responded (and i'm talking to her as if i was talking to him) "if it is the case, then he should man up and say it! don't point the finger at me and say that i'm not ready for motherhood. if the problem is in him, then he should man up and admit it! to shift the problem to me is called being a coward. to run away the problem is being a coward."
she later said to me "you seem to have enough reasons as to why he is walking away. don't you think that is enough to give you closure?"
this irritated me even more because you know.. it's called mind-reading. is that really closure? no.
mind-reading != the truth (for those of you who know C/C++).
side note: i wouldn't be surprised if he was afraid to tell me the truth because my reaction in the ic office would have scared the living daylights out of me too.
but i left my anger in that office. once i left the office, i carried on my day.


i'm not whistling dixie yet.
i still think he hates me. i think he's just being polite to improve his own image. it's called damage control.
something smells bad and i'm sure there's a stink bomb somewhere.


i'm still skeptical. not that i don't believe in your help.
i just suspect that he's leading me on.
and one day, he'll just unleash a can of hurt on me.
and it'll be "i tricked you and your db friends".
it's a big trust issue between me and h. not a trust issue between you (coach, fg, and lauraoh)


i'll keep that in mind. i'll continue to observe and report what i see and hear.


get ready to laugh at me.
i ran into him in the stairwell. yes, i stood up straight and i smiled. i wasn't sad or anything. but after my brief conversation, i proceeded up the stairs and completely missed my floor. oops.


yes. i gave that example for a reason.
for part of the night, he was playing with people who weren't friendly and you could tell he was not having fun.
but when my friends and i were doing drills and hassling each other, he asked if he could join in and you could see that he immediately had a smile on his face.

i hope you don't think i'm being negative.
i'm just proceeding with caution.
i'm not excited about anything yet.
i still believe that i'm going to get fooled in the end.

this is why squash works for me.
i don't feel pressure and i have no expectations.
i go to play the best game possible.
i hate letting my partner and opponent down if i'm playing poorly and that's the only pressure i feel.
so i play with the goal of being the best i can be.


no more dumpy shorts for me.
i play in a stylish skirt. but i also have that competitive spirit in me. i'm not there to be eye candy. i'm feminine but i have no problems beating the guys.


ok. i'll try to be the one to leave first. last night, i had a good game going so i left after he did.
he left early because there wasn't anyone to play with.

my partner and i kicked butt! i was so happy with our game. my night started out bad - missed so many shots. but by the end of the night, i played really well.

btw, i forgot to mention.
i am learning to stop digging.
a few times, i could have tore into him with snarky comments but i found myself stopping at the right point.

D4ML, your H is a typical guy.lol. No "tricks" to him, he just is sensative. But he isn't capable of being malicious and tricking you.

We gals are WAAAAY better at that sort of thing.

I think I "get" your frustration in IC. Let me take a stab...

If you knew the "real reason", you could address it one way or the other--you could dismiss it as nonsense, or you could take it seriously and work on it.

Getting to the "real reason" is something that takes a lot of time. Your IC told you you may never know, but I think you can know. But it involves a lot of thinking and looking past his hurt (and all the nonsense they say when they are hurt). They ALL have a bit of truth along with the rest of the things they say. And usually? Their angry ugly stuff hides deep fear.

You have already figured out that the LL thing was interpretted incorrectly. And then there are male/female differences to explore. And co-dependency issues can be looked into.

And you have some of your own of course. There is a reason he was attracted to you, and a reason you were attracted to him. Something "worked". And something stopped working. This takes time to figure out. You had a part in this.

I found my sitch got SO much better when I found my part of the breakdown. It almost didn't matter what my H did, because once I found out what I did, I immediately could start to fix me. And he came along with it.

I was very scared to start looking at myself for the "weaknesses", but as I found them I found it very empowering to "do something" about them. This is the control you are looking for. It is control of yourself. You'll love it, I promise. : )

"i agree. looking back, i shouldn't have knocked on his door."

Please.. in detail.. explain why. Yes.. it is a test. Wanna see how much you have learned.

"i have been pretty laid back. i haven't done much to 'chase' even when the d-bomb was dropped.
for me, my pride stopped me from pursuing. why should i pursue someone who obviously found me revolting? i'm better than that."

This is a solid thought! But.. I suspect that this is what got you into trouble in the first place. Tell me about your friends. Pick the top two.. not your H.. and explain what is important to you.. about them. How did you meet them.. why are you still friends?

"i was still very angry when during my last ic session."

Really? Gosh I missed that somewhere. Now I have to go back and read all your posts.

"she has been trying to get me to 'move on' because he's checked out."

Well.. this is IC and not MC. The best thing for you.. on the surface.. is to move on.

"i said i have no closure. and she said i may never get it."

Closure.. always comes. Maybe not the way we expect it.. but it will show up. If he told you right now exactly why he did this.. chances are it would not help you.

"this made me even more angry because it meant that i had no say in the matter. i had no control."

Hmm.. never would have guessed that! Here lemme make it clear.. you cannot control this situation in the normal way you think about it. Never will happen. You will be D and bitter. Most likely you will go onto another R and do exactly the same thing. This.. is always about control! You have to be smart enough to see when to take it.. and when to give it! This is a reset button for control 99.9% of the time. It is very effective.

"i'm not whistling dixie yet."

A Duke's of Hazzard reference? Really?

"i still think he hates me. i think he's just being polite to improve his own image. it's called damage control.
something smells bad and i'm sure there's a stink bomb somewhere."

Don't really care what his reasons are. I can't imagine him wanting to control damage from someone he really hates.

So.. basically what you just said is that he is testing you?

That I can agree with.

"i'm still skeptical. not that i don't believe in your help."

It is not my help.. this is and always will be a group effort. Again.. as long as you are willing to listen.. I am OK with that. If I am not adding anything to your "thought's".. just tell me.

"and it'll be "i tricked you and your db friends"."

If that is his goal.. he will be surprised at the outcome. We have played this game alot. I personally have been thru so many things with people here.. that there is just not much that will surprise me. Don't let my post count fool you. I know where I can be effective.. and I will stop when I no longer am. Again.. I have not suggested anything that would illicit a response from him. If it happened.. it happened because of you.

"i ran into him in the stairwell. yes, i stood up straight and i smiled. i wasn't sad or anything. but after my brief conversation, i proceeded up the stairs and completely missed my floor."

Don't know that I would laugh at you. I would expect that to a point. So.. here is another rule. If you feel like you are going to fail. Don't fail in front of him.

"i hope you don't think i'm being negative.
i'm just proceeding with caution.
i'm not excited about anything yet.
i still believe that i'm going to get fooled in the end."

Good.. I think you are right about where you need to be then.

i'm going to break one of forrest's rules for two minutes.
lauraoh, you forget the h is a puppet. and the person controlling the puppet is the evil MIL.
she controls how he should feel, who he should be friends with (and no, this is not mind reading. i actually witnessed this).

it's not him that i'm afraid of. it's his mother.


you got it, sista!


yes. i also believe i deserve to know the truth.
i deserve honesty. if he wants out, then be honest and we'll part.

when the m is on the line, you owe it to the other person to be honest. unless he wants his nuts in a vice. his choice.


how will you know that it's no longer 'mind-reading'?
i had a discussion with fg and i kept saying "why is he this angry at me over christmas?" and fg said "it's not about christmas".

in my mind, christmas was the straw that broke the camel's back. so if it wasn't christmas, then what is it? maybe this is my way of trying to draw out the truth. what is it? otherwise, i'm going to sit here and go "geez, how petty of you to d-bomb me because of christmas."


yes, i admit to my faults.
i'm working on that. i admitted that i'm learning to stop digging. i so could have but .. i didn't.

i also know that me being silent is often misinterpreted.
that the "look" is snarky and a visual form of a 'dig'.


here's another thing i found.
i tried to model my marriage after my sisters' marriages. that kind of marriage isn't really me. but i figure it was the norm.
what it did, was take the fun out of our marriage.
it took the fun out of me.
to my parents, the expectation of me as wife was to stay home, pop out kids, and give up my hobbies.
this made me a boring person. it is no wonder my h became bored and said i was no longer the fun girl that he fell in love with.
i love photography. my parents would cringe at the thought of me spending $700 on a telephoto lens for my dslr.
my h would have encouraged it. he loved that i had a hobby.
this is what i mean when i said that my h taught me how to live.
i love learning and he often encouraged me to do that.
i'm in my late 30s now and i play squash 5 times a week because i love it. i'm also in the best shape of my life.
i love being active. i love travelling with my camera.
that's what attracted me to my h and likely my h to me.
we were each other's "fun" companion.
what happened to that girl who had a zest for life?

Oops--don't know about you breaking one of Forrest's rules!lol.

I want to explore "honesty" for a minute. You want honesty from your H. You want and deserve that. I would say you would agree that he wants and deserves that from you, too, right? So you both want honesty and all that goes with it.

But somehow you started changing. Looking at a sister and her R. Letting expectations of parents creep in. Something, perhaps an insecurity, creeps in and makes you feel "wrong" in what you are doing.

But this isn't you--and you are starting to explore this. What were you doing? You weren't being honest. WITH YOURSELF!!!

Honesty is TOUGH WORK!! Constantly getting in touch with yourself! Running it by your own "truth" and seeing if it "matches up". Changes still have to come, they are going to come, but it's still a matter of checks and balances and growth is monitered always.

The person that we are with--did they want this change? Did they ask for it? or was it just "done". You don't have to run this by anyone else--but you MUST run it by your H. He will HELP you stay honest and true to YOURSELF!!

Your H doesn't know anything but that you changed. And it culminated and came to a head--at Christmas. But it started long before. It starts when your own insecurities and doubts make you close up and become someone he didn't know. And he had his, and it goes around and around and who is at fault? Can you untangle all the hurt and see who started it? Does it matter, really?

Find yourself again. Be brutally honest with yourself. And it will come--the closure, the understaning, the empathy.

Yes, be the best you you can be. What kind of photos do you take? This weekend go take some pics then show him some (e-mail, at squash). This is the "cupcakes" - a reason to connect. Take a pic that emotionally connects you two without anything being said. Make sense?




That's who we are rooting for.


Cheers

it was too early to knock. the wound is still fresh (based on the financial statement, i should have known that he's still angry.)
pursuing someone when they want to get away from you, will just make them run further and faster away.
also the goal is to have him come to me.


that i don't know. perhaps he felt like i didn't need him (pursuing = needing)?


oh boy. this is a tough one because there are many who i would put in the top two (and h sometimes wouldn't come close to being in the top 2).

victor is someone who worked with my brother. he graduated the same year as i did - from the same college. i didn't know him during college but i met him through my brother and we became friends. really good friends.
we loved cars, exchanged business ideas, and he was a real 'player'. he had a colorful dating life.
i've known him for about 14 yrs now. he saw me through every phase of my relationship with my h. he was so happy for me when my h and i started dating.
he was the first person i called when i was d-bombed. he's still baffled by what has happened to me. but he encourages me all the time. telling me that whoever ends up with me will be a very lucky guy.
he's like a big brother to me. victor is married with two kids. he loves his kids. his wife knows about my friendship with victor. and she's not threatened by me. i'm not blonde and 6 ft tall.

second friend would be josh. we met online via a science academy bbs. we found that we were entering college in the fall and in the same engineering program. yes, we were geeks. josh is really smart. we got in trouble with the school computer admin because we were hacking our accounts. the admin threatened me with suspension and they only slapped him on the wrist! i was so mad.
like victor, he loved cars. i remember he called me the day his sports car was stolen right out of his garage. i felt so bad for him.
to this day, we are still really good friends. i was one of two friends he invited to his wedding. his wife should be giving birth to their first child any day now.
why is he important to me? i learn a lot from him.

these guys are both my best friends because i've known them longer than i've known my h.


this is why she believes i need more intensive therapy.
i believe it to be true as well. i think i'm bitter and if there is another r, i would be asking for a pre-nup. is that the right way to start off a new m? imo, no. if i need a pre-nup from someone, then there are obvious trust issues.
would i do this again if i end up d-ing? no. as if i'm not angry enough right now. and would i want to put myself through this again? no.


you'll have to teach me about this. because i'm fogged by my own anger.


damage control for him is to save his own reputation.
he's known as the guy who dumped the good girl. for whatever reason (ie. infidelity), it doesn't look good for him.
he's just acting like mr. nice guy right now but just wait until we're in mediation. he's not nice when it's just me and him. like i said, playing nice at badminton doesn't give me the warm and fuzzies. i just get suspicious.
he could be testing me. but to me, it's more of an ulterior motive. no good can come of this.


ok. but i always suspected that he was going to thwart my efforts.


yeah. this incident caught me off guard.

we'll see what this week brings.

i enjoy photojournalism. i like taking pictures that tell a story.
i don't like taking pictures of people standing there and smiling for the camera. i like candid shots. i have the standard lens for my camera and i also have a macro lens. i have been eye-ing a telephoto lens for about a year now but it's around $700. right now, it would not be the right thing to buy. that $700 should be saved for other things like food and rent.

my baking class requires me to buy extra tools so i need to put the lens on hold.

with me, i want to earn that lens. i don't just buy stuff. i make sure i earn it. if i'm disciplined enough and i know i've worked hard, i'll get it. i'll cherish it too. this was something my h did not like about me. that i cherished the things i got.


this is a tough one.
i'm not going to get in his face for a while. i've learned from my first cupcake mistake that it's not the right time yet.
also, father's day is coming up. something tells me he's going home for a few weeks to be with his parents. "cuz y'know, his father could die. he's had a few heart attacks in the past so he's living on borrowed time. he could die any day with his unhealthy eating habits. his son should be spending as much time with his father as possible because you just never know. he may never see christmas and then who will take care of his mother?" sorry .. somebody slap me.

this is why i can't see him. because i could snap.
also, the separation agreement is still being worked on. i'm really scared for it.


that girl is still in me.
she's just really beaten down.
i was so sad yesterday because i know he's just putting on a front and joining in on our fun for himself. it's not to be near me or anything.
i know he still wants everything. i can see it in him - there is still a lot of hatred towards me.