You won't get any respect from others unless you have it for yourself.
You treat others the way you want to be treated.
And Gabe just got a lesson on how you will be treated.
I know how much you must be hurting, but remember that you need a person in your life who DOES get it, who DOES respect you. I hope he gets his head out of his a$$ soon and DOES THE WORK HE NEEDS TO DO to be that person. But, if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve you.
Mishka, you aren't stupid! R's require boundaries and understanding between the partners, if Gabe can't get this then what else won't he get? A R can't be whatever Gabe wants and that's it. So good for you, you stood up for what you needed and that's NEVER stupid! We'll see what follows.
You are all such amazing people and I truly have no idea where I would be without you.
I took a whole Ambien and went to bed since I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep without it. About an hour later I felt someone holding my hands and I pulled myself out of my drugged stupor to Gabe sitting on the side of the bed crying and apologizing for what he did and telling me that he has been being selfish and wants to do what it takes to make our R work. WHOA! Freaked me out but I was so drugged I couldn't make a coherent statement. I just hugged him and told him we would talk about this further when I could concentrate.
Actions will prove what he is truly thinking it's going to take. I already know that if we decide that there is any possibility of developing this into more than what it is right now, he will have to come to counseling with me and also go to IC. He's not going to like those stipulations either but I know for a fact that is another line item I won't budge on.
Still totally scared but I feel really good that I was able to set that boundary out there and know that I would be fine no matter what he did about it. Yes, it didn't make it any less painfull when he ran away, but there was a peace of mind that I did what I needed to do.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
-- coming home -- holding hands, literally reaching out to you -- apologizing -- acknowleging his selfishness -- taking the emotional risk of sharing with you that he ALSO wants the R to work
Regarding trying to force counseling, I'd strongly suggest you put that idea on hold for a few months and revisit it after that. Too many people here decide that will be their very artificial line in the sand.
Instead, focus on YOUR boundaries. It is up to Gabe to learn how to live with those. If he struggles, it is up to him to figure out how to cope. IC might or might not be helpful to him. HIS choice.
But, one of YOUR OWN boundaries should be that you don't try to run other people's internal lives or make their choices for them to control the world.
Boundary: I require a stable productive partner.
Sharing: I found that my IC has really helped me become more stable and productive.
Controlling: You can't hold down a job, you can't see me until you have 6 months of career counseling.
Boundary: I require respect.
Sharing: Sometimes when I feel bad about myself, I twist it into something bad about you.
Controlling: There's no way you can learn to treat me decently unless you go into intensive psychoanalysis, so you have to go.
IC is really something that has to be totally freely chosen to be useful, and just because you find it important to your growth does not mean that Gabe either requires it or would find it useful. People can certainly grow plenty without it.
That being said, I think it is FINE to express that you'd really like to have Gabe join you in a session or two with your IC to work on something specific -- like, building trust, devising a plan to avoid another cheating scenario, etc... And, when things settle down a bit, asking him to join you in MC to help build a great R that works for both of you sounds fine. "I'd like to see blah blah happen with us... MC could be a useful tool, I'd like to try it with you..." I'd just avoid making it a requirement or test of sorts. Don't dictate, don't control, don't punish, don't assume you "know" what Gabe "needs" to fix himself. That's his job, and you really don't know what resources he needs to make that happen.
Rs can heal, Rs can grow, Rs can become what you want all without therapy.
The requirement or test is whether things are moving in a positive direction that works for you, NOT the particular means for such progress.
P.S. The immediate task is to get very clear about the boundary regarding contact with OW -- it is NOT OK + he needs to take clear transparent steps to stop in from happening in the future.
P.P.S. "Still totally scared but I feel really good that I was able to set that boundary out there and know that I would be fine no matter what he did about it. Yes, it didn't make it any less painfull when he ran away, but there was a peace of mind that I did what I needed to do."
. See? And, I don't often hear you say things like "I feel really good." PAY ATTENTION. You did something for yourself that made your life better and it did not hinge on Gabe's reaction.
Oh Mish, I am so glad he came back. For his sake, not yours. He is lucky to have you in his life. It is good to see he apologized and acknowledge he has been selfish, and even better that he says he wants your R to work!
. See? And, I don't often hear you say things like "I feel really good." PAY ATTENTION. You did something for yourself that made your life better and it did not hinge on Gabe's reaction.
