Get this: he said he'd tell his parents and I asked what he would say. He said "the truth." I said "Are you going to tell them that you left me for an affair with another woman?" He said he wouldn't put it that way because it cheapened it. I said "it is cheap. Own what it is." I really think he thinks what he is doing is on this pedestal, like "look at me, I had the guts to do something for me and no one else, and no one ever does that, so I'm better than others."
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I really think he thinks what he is doing is on this pedestal, like "look at me, I had the guts to do something for me and no one else, and no one ever does that, so I'm better than others."
The script is usually more like this:
"I loved <xxxx>, but I never felt <he/she> loved me, and our M was terrible, but I have met somebody who knows how to treat me...".
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I really think he thinks what he is doing is on this pedestal, like "look at me, I had the guts to do something for me and no one else, and no one ever does that, so I'm better than others."
The script is usually more like this:
"I loved <xxxx>, but I never felt <he/she> loved me, and our M was terrible, but I have met somebody who knows how to treat me...".
Just to give an example of the "somebody who knows how to treat me" line.... My H and I actually had the following convo last night:
H: OW doesn't guide me.. doesn't tell me what to think or how to feel.
Me: Oh? She never questions you on anything?
H: Well, on some things.
Me: Ever compromise with her?
H: Some movies and music.
Me: That's a wonderfully superficial relationship you have there. [Exit Stage Left...]
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
OW doesn't guide me.. doesn't tell me what to think or how to feel.
She listens and validates him... for now.
Quote:
That's a wonderfully superficial relationship you have there.
You just invalidated him.
Now, I am not saying you should dignify an affair, but your communication needs some work.
It's OK to state your boundaries (e.g. I will not try to work on this M when there is a third party, and I have some thinking to do about how I am going deal with this).
"I will not discuss your affair with you while it is still going on" is good too.
But... maybe read up on listening and communication because he just gave you a clue about how you can improve yourself for yourself.
Best response: I am sorry you feel that I wasn't listening to you, but I am not going to dignify your infidelity while it is still going on by entertaining this discussion with you.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/14/1012:55 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
OW doesn't guide me.. doesn't tell me what to think or how to feel.
She listens and validates him... for now.
Quote:
That's a wonderfully superficial relationship you have there.
You just invalidated him.
Now, I am not saying you should dignify an affair, but your communication needs some work.
Yeah.. it was at that point in the conversation that I realized I was wading into the Me Vs OW waters.. and immediately backpedaled to Destroying Family vs. Saving Family.
I hate it when my emotions get the better of me... as Allen A keeps telling me... be Spock.... be Spock.....
Last edited by elvencat; 06/14/1001:04 PM.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
But... maybe read up on listening and communication because he just gave you a clue about how you can improve yourself for yourself.
Best response: I am sorry you feel that I wasn't listening to you, but I am not going to dignify your infidelity while it is still going on by entertaining this discussion with you.
And this is exactly what made me realize how screwed up our communication with each other had become, TimeHeals. You are exactly right. He felt he wasn't getting validated and that I was trying to make him think and feel differently, and I thought he wasn't hearing what I had to say because he'd respond with silence. So.. yes, the next self-help book on my list is one on communication skills.
Sorry for hijacking the thread AntoniaB, but maybe this will help you, too.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Under better circumstances, good communication skills are difficult (for me anyway) in an intimate, long-term relationship. We all fall prey to the idea that our spouses should know how we feel, and we believe we know how they feel, and so we forget the importance if just listening and validating, and it is that communication that holds relationships together once the romance chemicals stop working on our brains.
It's OK to feel what you are feeling, but in perilous times ... you have to understand your spouse isn't connected or open to hearing about it, and it's eassy to shutdown yourself.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
we forget the importance if just listening and validating, and it is that communication that holds relationships together once the romance chemicals stop working on our brains.
Funny enough I made a comment almost word for word about this to a friend of mine a few weeks ago, but it didn't really sink in until last night. My dad (who is a very mechanically inclined person) always told me: You can learn how something should work from books all you want. If you can't learn how to apply it practically, the knowledge won't do you any good at all.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Great advice, Allen. It is so much easier said than done, though.
Who said any of this was easy?
Truth is, you can do things the right way or the wrong way, and they BOTH will be incredibly difficult. Why not do it THE RIGHT WAY, and give yourself the maximum opportunity for success??
Get this: he said he'd tell his parents and I asked what he would say. He said "the truth." I said "Are you going to tell them that you left me for an affair with another woman?" He said he wouldn't put it that way because it cheapened it. I said "it is cheap. Own what it is." I really think he thinks what he is doing is on this pedestal, like "look at me, I had the guts to do something for me and no one else, and no one ever does that, so I'm better than others."
Antonia, do NOT talk to him about this.. he's just squeezing info out of you on your plans and you are gift wrapping it for him.
1. Tell him as long as he dosnt' want to participate in a monogamous marriage he's not welcome in the marital home - this home is for married people. 2. As long as he is not paticipating fairly in the marriage then he may not participate in maintaining the marital home 3. You are going to regular family therapy sessions, he's welcome to join in 4. Change the locks - if he's not living there then he's not given access (find out if there's any legal problem to this) 5. YOU expose to his parents FIRST..do NOT WARN him.. he's just going to PAD it DOWN and stuff... do NOT TALK to him about how YOU are going to handle things... He cheats, YOU ACT, there is no chit chat here... He's trying to manipulate you and he did.. he already got info out of you .. STOP NEGOTIATING
The ONLY reason you talk to this guy is the following :
a. To set an example of adulthood by actions he can see and hear (inviting him to family therapy and informing him that you are going b. To get information out of HIM
Stop negotiating.. it does NOT WORK
Each time you talk to him and you two do that little dance he HEARS this :
a. I can keep cheating, she's not going to DO anything to stop me b. I can come back when I please, she's willing to be plan B c. She still has feelings for me, man I am such a hot item
That's ALL he GETS out of those exchanges... NOTHING ELSE.. he hears NOTHING ELSE
STOP THEM
This is how it goes :
a. He cheats b. You ACT c. He lies d. You ACT e. He manipulates f. You ACT
There is NO EXCHANGE phase here, no chit chat... just action and reaction... THAt is how you should be handling this...
Nothing he siad was a surprise and nothing he said changed anything...
All he's doing is testing the waters to see how safe he is to dive across the beach... SHUT him OUT physically and emotionally
No Divorce talk, that's NOT adult talk.. its cowardly and wreckless
