Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure I know what I'm doing-help?

I'm in no way disagreeing with the Great One, Puppy, but I think it's a good move, the flowers. See, he doesn't KNOW ... but he's checking it out with the secret drive-by to Mom's. And at the same time, he's got a parallel deal going on whereby he 180's her with flowers - something he would not have done in the past. Isn't that holding both thoughts/objectives in his mind at the same time? Now...if he finds out that she is not at Mom's ~~~ then, yeah ~ no flowers of any description should be sent. But right now - wouldn't that be ok?

Greek

I didn't believe it inmy heart until yesterday. I figured there might have been an EA but found no proof. Not even then MC (and she asked directly in joint and solo) believed there was a PA. So I went with EA as I knew she was detached from me for sure. You can only get the kind of smug happiness she displays from at least an Emotional Attachment (EA) if not a real Emotional Affair (EA with dating potential) Those are my definitions not yours. Our history includes ME being an EA to her. I was her support while her last R crumbled. Yeah, I know. "Those who are ignorant of history are bound to repeat it" My Poli Sci Degree letting me down again, eh?
The flowers were my idea of a 180. I simply couldn't do nothing. I couldn't think of or find a card that was neutral enough. I wish I'd heard from you sooner. Time to backpedal, I guess. Or confront depending on how tonight goes. Thanks.

I haven't read his entire thread, but even if there's no infidelity, if she is in full-flight mode, and exhibiting some of the behavior that she is in the posts that I HAVE read, I think the flowers are too pursuing, unless they're from the kids.

Just my opinion. My mom has a saying "Bad behavior is bad behavior," and I don't like to enable it with flowers, 180 or not.

Puppy

Well, I got a text asking if I had sent flowers. (There are other people with my first name that are significant to her) I let her stew in it before I responded ans she phoned me before I could. I said they were from me and she said she was surprised. I siad I thought it would be different. Then I texted why she was surprised. She said flowers were not my style. They're beautiful! Thanks. My heart wanted to say "You haven't seen my style in years." Brain won and I said nothing
Thanks Puppy. This is why I'm asking for help. I've read DR and DB but it's all lstill new to me. It's tough when, based on what I read, I should be in LRT mode due to the newness of the D bomb.
But then I read other threads where the little positives from her suggest she is looking for something to connect to. Now you describe "full flight mode" that suggests I should be doing something else.
Do I need to try to understand her position before I can select a srategy? My opinion is that, since there should be no R talk, and I only have actions to rely on (some good and bad), interpreting/mind reading is bad, I have no idea what's really going on?
Is she in full flight?
AN actual EA/PA?
Is she acting out to shock me into action?
Is she "asking" for an olive branch?
If you ad all her actions up all I get is "running away". She appears happy and becoming what I would call her old self when we met.
Should be no surprise I'm confused.
I have to stop trying to interpret.
GAL.
No sense listening to her cause it can't be believed.
Detach. God, this one is hard.
Tough to happily find your old happiness when you're miserable

Perfect. Bravo!
Greek

Thanks, Greek. I wish I could count on it to work all the time. Brain is Jello a lot of my day. It's all so new it's taking longer than I need it to be to become natural and ingrained.

Ok, EXPERTS. She's busted! My flowers sealed the deal. She called me when she got my text about me taking our daughter shopping since she was going to mom's. I half expected her to go somewhere else but she headed towards home. Then she asked if I had input on the flowers. I said yes, pionees and lillies. She sai that's what she got. Then, brazen as all hell, she says "and later in the afternoon I got more but there was no card. Probably everyone at work since I was nervours about practical jokes on my b'day". I said that's nice. What she wasn't thinking about is there are only two flowershops in the town she works. Further, the clerks are female and usually sensitive to stories about "potential stalkers" and " my wife is crying right now". Coughed up the name (a coworker- a guy who actually participates in a manufacturer program I run in West Canada); the card was there and he hand wrote it so the girl didn't see it. All I needed.
So, if the card was inappropriate enough for me not to see or for you to acknowledge was even present, then this relationship is inappropriate at the very least. I don't have evidence of PA but close enough. I even have the guys cell number on his card if I could access her phone records.
So, experts, I need your advice on next step. I called a friend at the phone company and he has no way to pull the records for me. I doubt her mom is aware of this man. I know the guys boss and the owner of the company. How would they feel to have a home-wrecker on the staff?
I'm thinking a major WELL THOUGT OUT confrontation/boundary lesson is in store. Perhaps accompanied by some 'separation paper" and the 'keys to the street'. My daughter and I need not be subjected to this behaviour. She cannot consider returning to 'our' relationship while she has an E or P attachment elsewhere.
But I promise to do absolutely nothing until I hear from a few of you.
Thanking you all in advance.

#1 Do nothing TONIGHT! Pinky swear it! You need better advice than I can give you and I really want you to hear from someone like Puppy, Robx or Gucci. Have you posted this on the infidelity forum? You should. But WAIT before you say anything to the W. I know that much.

#2 Can you check her cell phone records? Do so if possible and check email, too. You want to know how deep this thing is.

#3 So she is at Mom's tonight? Wasn't that her story? Are you checking on it?

#4 Is OM married?

#5 You will only get one shot at doing this correctly, with max impact and possibility for busting the EA. Please wait to do anything before you act.

Looks like me and Spark1 (chatting w Sandi1 now) and I are leading firly similar lives. Jeez.

Replies
1-Pinky swear. (Funny, my daughter just started saying that last weekend. Irony can be pretty ironic) I'll put a link on that forum to this one now that the 'game has changed"

2-As I said, I have no current available option to get the records of her IM and cell. Still trying other ways.

3-She added her friends Candace and Nicole to the list of people she was seeing and, though I expected her moms first, she did indeed go to Candaces. I had to get back to get my daughter.
BTW- OM lives in the little town she works in. NOT the town we do or 'the big city' where everyone else does.

4 No.

5 Standing by.

Thank you, my friend.

Sending an fb message to Puppy for ya.
Greek