Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers THE OW CONTACTED ME - WHAT??

Lea, I don't think I have posted to you before, but I just thought I would give you something to think about ....

This OW may think she can replace you, but she cannot .... she can never share the moment of giving birth to your children with your WAH. It is something special in time, that no amount of harassing, flaunting herself in front of your house, or anything, will ever take away from you. YOU are your son's mother. She can only ever be the STEP-mother. They are the fruit of your and their father's love. Don't ever forget that. He may've allowed himself to foolishly ruin the family that your sons deserve, but do not allow them to ruin the joy you have in being their mother. Be strong. If she is talking to them on the phone, tell them to say "bye-bye now, time to sleep", in a nice voice. Try and find the courage to walk your sons to the car before she even has a chance to get to your door. YOU are handing them over to their father, not this person. Your sons will notice the power play, so you must be strong for them. Ignore her because she has no power over you, except the power you give to her ... she may be fooling your WAH, but I bet if she ever tries to harm your sons, he will wake up, so at least you know that they are safe, and that is the only power she can ever have, but it will not be deployed because she will either lose your WAH, or you will have a good excuse to get full custody.

Look after yourself. Detach your feelings from your WAH. He is gone (maybe forever, maybe not), but your sons need you now, more than ever. They need you to show them that you are strong and brave, even if you don't feel it.

Good job on not responding to her emails, and getting a lawyer involved. You have shown her, I think, that she isn't getting away with it all. Perhaps you can use it as another reason to get full custody, if you can prove she is trying to alienate your sons against you.

Take care.

Interesting day. XH and OW dropped off my sons today after a w weekend visit. As usual they pulled up outside my house. However, this time I was outside having a BBQ with my neighbours. I was sitting when they arrived and didnt see me. They both got out of the car and as usual the OW made the usual huge scene - expecting me to be inside as usual. I stood up and they saw me, my neighbours and friends also stepped forward greet my sons. My XH said good byes to my sons with a watchful eye on me, and the OW stepped forward to hug my sons, then backstepped she saw me standing there and my friends and went back to the car.

It felt great, like I was claiming my turf back!! I think it was quite obvious that I do have a life and my sons and I have fantastic support.

The wheels didnt exactly screech when they left, but they certainly drove away quite guickly with my XH constantly watching me.

(((( ))))

Thanks all for the advise lately. It was great and really helped me to gain some of my 'turf' back.

((( ))))

My S7 told me this evening that the OW had a chat with my sons and told them that I had been lying to my sons and had also been really mean to my XH and OW. This really got me mad!! How dare she speak to my sons about me.

He also mentioned that she asked them which word they felt comfortable with describing me when saying that I was being mean. She gave them options such as mean, digusting, etc etc.

I couldnt unfortunately hide my shock at this and told my sons I hadnt lied to them and that I didnt understand how I had been mean.

Anyway I did confess that I had lied in the beginning based on a request from my H then, that for the first 3 months we didnt tell them he had moved out but was rather working away from home. I was never comfortable with lying to them about this and told them that I was sorry I lied but we did it for them. This has been the only lie I have told them. In fact I kept getting told off by my XH that I am being too honest with them and telling them too much.

Any suggestions on how I deal with this. It is really causing my S7 alot of stress and he is constantly in the middle.

First, you seem to understand this very well, but you are NOT being too honest with them. The ONLY thing she's apparently comfortable sticking to you is the accusation that you lied--and the fact that you lied to protect your children from her shameful actions with your husband doesn't buy you any slack from her, because you don't matter to her and neither do they.

Second, this means that you should go on telling your sons the truth if you can. The hard part about this, I would imagine, will be telling the truth without actually being mean and spiteful. You should probably *feel* mean and spiteful, and you will have ample opportunity to play the vengeful game of back-biting while you are telling the truth. It will be hard to tell the difference sometimes because, frankly, an honest accounting of what he and she have done to your family will sound mean to them. That's because they've behaved shamefully, not because you're mean.

I've never had to deal with an affair, but I do teach middle-school students with behavior problems, and I see many similarities.

You are doing well, but the sad fact is that she may often react to any honesty or display of resolve from you with these kinds of attacks. There is an old saying that taking flak means you're over the target, and it's often true. She's trying to shoot you down because you're doing well, not because you're not.

You've done the right thing so far. You told your children that you haven't lied to them recently, and you told them the truth about the lie you did tell. Your 7-year-old will be confused, but your 10-year-old will probably see--eventually--that your "lie" was told in an attempt to spare him, when the ugly truth would have served your anger better. You will eventually get the credit for this, but it may take time. The problem is that you can't really shield them from the big stuff. You don't have to tell them details, but the big things, like their dad moving out . . . . I know why you want to protect them, but you probably can't. They'll see these things happening whether you answer their questions or not.

Your son only told you about what she did because had some idea that it wasn't right, even if he couldn't figure out how to say that at 7 years old. Take heart. He knows she shouldn't be doing that. It's not going to work. She can hurt him, and she can make your lives harder, but you aren't going to lose him to someone who talks to him that way about his mother.

There may be another reason behind OW's speech to your son's about the "lying". She obviously has some kind of agenda that is supported by your XH. You mentioned that you have a court case coming up regarding custody. It sounds like she is preparing your sons for her arguments in court. If she can get them to tell a judge that you've lied or you're mean, then she may think that she can "win" whatever it is she wants. I would immediately contact your attorney and she cannot be allowed to alienate your children from you.

As for the texts and calls, I would inform your XH that he is welcome to call but she will not be speaking to the boys. As soon as she gets on the phone, end the call. You've already stated that you bought the phone so that your boys have access to you because your XH was not answering calls. Let them know that when the boys are at your house the phone will be off. Your attorney should have no problem with that but you can run it by him first if your more comfortable.

I would also save everything she sends and forward to your L. It would also be to your benefit to document all of your XH's contact for right now since he's trying to say you're denying him. Keep a log of nightly calls and visits.

In the states, you don't have to exchange children at the house. There are agencies that will monitor the exchange if needed or you can specify a neutral spot. That might help cut out the grandstanding by her.

My first H remarried a real gem. She and I have gone round a few times. But when I found my voice, she backed off a little. It will take some time but you'll get stronger and will make all the difference.

Ah, you have a court case coming up. Let your L know that she is questioning/lying to your sons about you. Let your boys know that you love them, no matter what, and will always be there for them. It is so sad that they are put in this difficult position. My H's stepmom used to talk about his mom, and he and his younger brother used to hate it, especially the younger brother. It has been years and years, and it is only recently that he kinda gets on with her (since she became a christian, and I guess realised she was doing the wrong thing). Their father had full custody and they used to have to meet their mom around the corner when she took them for the weekend or holidays, or just a day out. OW and your WAH must take care what they do or say .... kids don't like their moms being bad-mouthed, especially boys.

I agree with bluestar to document all contact with the boys by XH. Your neighbors will be good witnesses to their picking up and dropping off. OW has made sure they are seen having access, so her exhibition in front of the neighborhood may have worked to your favor. Although, I'm sure it's to show what a "wonderful" stepmother she is by hugging your boys in front of their mother. Making such an issue makes one wonder what she is hiding, and now we hear what. Good for your boys for telling you the truth, but I am sure they must've had a hard time "tattle-tailing", but kids know what's fair. At least, they can never say you spoke badly of your XH and OW to them.

There definitely is an agenda. I am glad they have underestimated you and the support you and your boys have.

Thank you all so much for your support. At the moment she is not the step mom - but is behaving that way.

I am really miffed today. We have a support worker through the school that I and XH see independantly and she also supports my sons via their learning mentors in the school. I heard today that my XH asked that the OW be involved in his next session and the support worker agreed.

I cant believe that this is allowed. She has no right to receive support from our services, ironically for a situation that she caused. I put my case to the support worker and she said that it was his perogative to includer her. I was appalled - how can they condone and acknowledge her but allowing her access to our services!!!

It does seem weird, but it's not something you can control, so try and let it go. Maybe, the support worker will see through her false attitude toward your sons. I say it's false because if she truly cared about your boys, she wouldn't be trying to turn them against their mother.