What has worked reasonably well for me is admitting that I am far from perfect as a husband, dad etc etc etc. I do the best I can and usually that is good enough. I understand what you and BBJ are saying regarding feeling lost. BUT if I am honest, for most of us, our WASs did us a favour (I really believe that). I think it is normal for us to grieve etc....but eventually you have to believe that Carrie does not define IAN....IAN defines Ian....from what i have read Ian has alot to offer.....don't sell yourself short...things will get better....allow yourself to be vulnerable again.....embrace the future and let the past slowly fade.
Hi Ian, When I read your post I thought "right on", your list of struggles are super normal in my view! I often wonder whether I will be able to deal with the issues you are presenting here. Even though your M has been over for a while there's still so much there from it and it's that way for all of us. I have trouble imagining myself being able to trust any woman again, whether I will or not is another story. I myself was married for 17 years, she was the love of my life and I trusted her implicitly. Even when people suggested that maybe she was cheating I would say "she would never do that". I had one of the biggest anchors of my life torn away from me and I had done nothing to betray her trust. The one person who knew me best in the world said "you're not good enough"! Wow, how do you get over that sh!t. I'm not saying you can't but it's certainly an issue in my books. I wish I had some sloutions for you here but I don't. But I do know that when I read about yourself and others here on this BB struggling with things a few years after the D deed is done, I feel that maybe I'm not so abnormal when I struggle with these fears. Thanks for having the courage to come out and share these things with us all. Keep on posting, my friend !
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.....you have to get over the "best thing that ever happened to me......I was not good enough" and go on offense a little.
I know it is only talk when I say eff her....her loss....YOU have to believe it! You have to believe you can do better....you have to believe that there is another chapter that YOU can make better......
My dad who is a man of few words told me way way back....."Son she is not a woman for YOU, perhaps she was at the beginning but not now....the sooner you accept that the better off you will be"
Hey John! It's not so much the belief that this woman is the only one for me, I don't believe that. It's the thought of risking that kind of pain again with someone else (not that I really have to worry about that right now!). It does stuff to you and leaves an impact that often comes out when you least expect it. I often think I'm on top of it and can do anything and then weeks later I'm feeling insecure, scared and on top of nothing! I think what happens to Ian is that is comes over him even when he thinks it's taken care of. It's a tough healing process and I just wish our society didn't treat it like it's a brief flu that everybody gets and recovers from, it's a lot deeper and harder than that. And speaking of advice from father's, mine told me just after I got married "one day, son you're gonna roll over, look at that person beside you and say to yourself 'who the hell is this person, that's not the person I married' ' Thanks Dad!
Hey Fig, I don't know that I am being too hard on myself, I think I am simply coming to some realizations about who I am as a man and what I have to offer a woman right now. I just don't believe that the scars are healed and I have the capacity to be in any kind of serious reationship.
I have the capacity for dating, that isnt an issue. The issue is beyond that. Once the new fun stuff wears off. Once you take that step forward and words are spoken that you cringe hearing. I know about being good friends first, the problem is once that friendship moves to intimacy.
You are 41 right? Maybe you are going through a mini MLC yourself. Nothing wrong with that.
Thanks for the laugh Kerry. Truth is I cant afford a Midlife Crisis.
I know good things are out there, I may have even missed a good thing already, who knows. The thing is I thought that is what I wanted and yet when the opportunity occurs, bam.... back to the fear and loathing.
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P.S. Do you think the Nationals are going to be a contender soon now that they have the young sensations Bryce Harper and Stephen Strasburg
I would not want to be the Mets, Phillies, Marlins, or Braves in 2011. Have you watched any of the footage of Bryce, ridiculous. Wood bat at 14 years old, unheard of. Strasburg showed what he is made of, 14 K's is amazing.
Oh and if figgeroni is a chick, buy her a one way ticket to Memphis!
Cori might not appreciate that gesture
I don't have time to read. I also want to clarify that my friends do not make me feel bad, I do that to myself. They talk about married stuff and I sit there like a lump.
It has been just about 9 months since teh divorce went final, but we were separated for 3 years so it's been a while. I certainly feel I should be more moved forward.
First of all Sunny, anytime. Your post about the dissappearing act really hit home with me.
Second, I dont neccasarily think I should know all the right moves with my kids. I just hate that I question them all. 9 times out of 10 I am doing the right thing, but I still wonder. Of course a lot of that comes down to how shittty of a father I was before all of this. I pay for that now, not with them, with myself. I have no idea what I was thinking losing sight of what an honor it is to be a dad.
I have always been tough on myself by the way, its what I do.
you may not have come to grips with it....but it's the best thing that ever happened to you...she is batchittcrazy..and for that there is no cure..
I get that, don't want her, dont care about her, dont deal with her, she is a nut job. I was more saying that teh emotional damage reached deeper than I thought it did. I am sure a lot of that was me being a "guy" and not allowing my armor to get any chinks in it. The thing is Mike, after almost 4 years I shouldnt still feel all the hurt and pain that I do. I shouldnt still tear up when I leave my best friend and his wife and kids because I miss that "family" part of my life. It hurts like hell not haing that part of my life anymore.
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Doubt--stop being a dick...you doubt yourself because you are 1. getting older 2. cause you're being a dick
Really, you had to throw in the older part. I am completely ok with you calling me a dick, I get that. but old.... low blow.
BBJ, Kalni, Gypsy, I miss you all as well and I wish I knew what was going on in your worlds but I just don't.
One thing I will say is that this post was only about me in regard to relationships. The rest of my lie moves on. I am still in college and still playing ball 4 nights a week. I contniue to do everything else and enjoy myself a lot. It is just this one thing.
Like having a resume with a gap in it, it's not horrible, but it just doesnt look good to me.
oh, and I hate this stupid thing you have to click if you want to post more then like 50 words. Who's brain child was that one.
