Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Question

Try being a teacher for one week...and you would definitely understand getting a break (my first one in 5 years).

H text me tonight. One of his normal "just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. good night". I figured it would be coming soon because S is going to his parents house tomorrow. I am trying to foster a good relationship with them for S, but with H living there I have to deal with him. I really just wish he would grow up and after 14 months make a decision, but I know that will never happen. I am going to do my best to stand my ground. I have been only saving important mail that is his and is sent here (not much anymore because I think he changed his address on a lot), which I will drop off at his parents when I go there. I am not texting back or responding to anything unless he asks a question about S, otherwise nothing.

I am just really dreading tomorrow. I hope H isn't there when I drop off S. Hopefully he will be at work because that is the only place he ever is unless he is with OW. S will only be at the in-laws for around 1.5 hours so not much, but I don't want H to get the benefit of MIL asking to see S. If H wants to be with S, he needs to ask. I just wish sometimes that he would just stick to not texting me ever so I can keep living my life without him.

Well...2x4's can come out because I want to hit myself with one.

Everything is back to how it always is. I just can't kick him to the curb. He text me this morning to say good morning. Then asked why I hadn't responded (he didn't ask anything). and if I hated him. He just went on and on so we did lunch with S, went shopping for FIL's present (I was overruled), and that was it.

The only difference is now I know he just wants to be friends and although I never really wanted to be friends with my X, I don't have a choice with S in the picture. I can't be mean to him and not talk to him ever. It would be different if S was older, but with S this small where he can't really hold full conversations on the phone or do stuff for his dad on his own. I have to do that stuff, and I can't if I am always mad at him. Maybe I have just reached a level of detachment where it just doesn't matter anymore.

I am still going to live my life and not let him dictate it. He doesn't seem to really want to hang out or do anything so it is not a problem. We are going to do dinner for his birthday on Friday because S said he wanted to get daddy a cake and candles. Otherwise we will see him Father's day at his parents and that is probably it for a while.

I know I am letting him walk all over me, and it does bother me because there are no consequences. I just keep thinking if there is a chance...I want to keep trying...although deep down I know there is no chance ever...

You do have a choice in what kind of relationship you have with him. You can set boundaries. They can decide they don't want to be married. You have the power to decide what kind of relationship you have going forward.

The nice friendly texts -- tell him to not contact you unless it's something to do with S. But only do it if that's what you really want.

You sound confused still and are still doing lots with the in-laws. That's a backdoor way of staying in H's life.

I am doing a lot with the in-laws for S's sake. He loves his uncles and grandparents so he should get to see them, plus they are at least being nice to me so why not?

I know I can set boundaries, but when it comes to it, I just can't do it. I can't tell him to just leave me alone. I thought about why yesterday and I just keep thinking it is fear, but also some small bits of hope I still have. H hasn't filed, he hasn't moved out of his parents house into an apartment, he hasn't done a lot, but I also know he hasn't made a move to be in our lives fully either. Part of it is fear as well because we have been together since we were both 16. Most of my life I have been with him as friends or dating, etc. It will just be weird to never have him in my life, but at the same time he isn't really in my life now. He pops in when it is convenient. The song "how do I live without you" kept popping in my head last night and I think that is the thing. All my dreams, hopes, everything has always included him in some way, and they still will in bits because of S. He will always be around because of S and how young S is. I can' t just hand S the phone if H calls, or just tell S to answer the door like some of you with older kids do. I have to be cordial and honestly that is who I am, but I don't have to be so buddy buddy with him. However I really am not. We only talk about his work. He never talks about feelings or anything else. I brought up the e-mail yesterday, and he said he cried through it and would reread it because he didn't realize I wanted a response.

Father's day H isn't going to be around so that is one less day with him, and honestly I think yesterday was a one day thing so I just have to get over it. H said he wanted to do his last rehab session this weekend, but S kept saying he wanted to do cake and candles so that is why we are doing dinner for H's birthday. So he said he would go next weekend. Later I remembered it was Father's day and said he needs to make sure he gets home Sunday around 5 so he can see S, but H said he didn't deserve to be celebrated. I didn't disagree, but I did say he is S's father and can't just run from that. I think he is really starting to realize what he has done and missed out on.

Even if there is a hope for us, I don't think we will ever make it because he feels so guilty. He won't let himself get close to us because he doesn't want to hurt us again. Really sad...

Today nothing much to do. S kept me up again because he now gets scared and wants to sleep with mommy so I have to keep calming him down until he goes to sleep. We might do a bike ride or just play outside. It is supposed to rain the next few days and be hot so I am hoping we can enjoy the outside today.

The other thing is a lot of people say 18 months is minimum for a WAS to come home. I am at 14 months and if H doesn't want a D then why push for it if that is not what I want? I am not making contact first. He always is first. We never talk about OW or anything like that unless I give a short jab to him about her like saying if he doesn't want to do anything with us on his birthday he better not do anything with her either.

Like I said, it isn't like he is trying to move in without getting rid of OW. We aren't doing big family things. We go out to eat maybe once every other month, but usually we only see H at the in-laws. When H comes over, more and more of the pics of him are gone and more and more is being boxed so he knows that I am slowly moving on without him, and when I talk about the things I am doing around the house, i see the pain and guilt in H's eyes. He can't fake that.

I guess there is still hope. Maybe I should be more boundary oriented, but it isn't like he is staying the night or anything. We just text and that is it.

Just be wary of artificial deadlines in your head. I was doing that a lot last year and each time one came and went without any improvement -- or movement the wrong way -- I'd emotionally crash.

I'm sorry if my opinion sounded too strong. Everyone deals with things in their own way. I remember back in December getting all kinds of advice from people saying I should just move back home.

It didn't feel right to me -- and so I didn't do it -- and even though I'm closer to D than ever before I'm feeling better than I have since March of 2009.

A big difference between you and I is that my STBXW and I are both active parents. I know STBXW will keep her family in my daughter's lives. I don't have to do that -- which is good because I'm not sure I would.

It is no problem. It is very different since I am everything to S, and I see that more and more. I have to be mom and dad because now H doesn't think he can be or wants to be...i don't know. I don't want him to miss out on extended family because his dad and I are not getting along. I promised the in-laws i would make sure they are a part of S's life. I am not going over there every week like they want, but they get to see him often enough.

Today no word from H...surprise, surprise. I am really going to try to just let it go. I don't know what yesterday was and I am sure it will happen again. At some point, I really have to tell him to leave me alone because S today has really had a rough day and a rough night last night. Very clingy...maybe sad about daddy maybe not, I just don't know since he doesn't understand his feelings yet.

Today we hung out. Played some baseball. Then went on a bike ride, about 1 mile. Nothing major, but it was a lot for my first longer bike ride pulling a big for his age 2.5 year old. I can't believe that by the end of summer I will be planning his party and he will be 3.

Tomorrow is H's birthday so I will see if he shows up or not...

Your H's birthday? My H's is on Sat...

Hang in there. At some point you will be ready to take the next step.
K

My STBXW's birthday is labor day and I made sure this year she has the girls. I'm going to Chicago for the day to just do whatever with friends.

Wow, it's been a busy week for you too. I hear a lot of what you say as if it was coming from myself. Yes, trying to take on the role of mom and dad by yourself (my H may come around more but he's still a pretty absent father even when he is there) is a tough role to fill. CTH is definitely right when he says it's easier when the spouse is involved in the child's life and can help facilitate a healthy R with both sides of the family. It's hard for us, when we want for S's sake to be involved in H's family, but don't necessarily want to for ourselves.

It's hard to know what to suggest though - in one way, you don't want to say to give up that little bit of hope you have, but on the otherhand, that also is what keeps you open to hurt. As long as you can continue to detach so that his actions (or lack of), don't get to you, you can kind of continue on as it. I think sometimes I'm just overly optimistic here, but I have a hard time giving up hope, b/c it's not over til it's over. I think you just have to go with what feels right to you right now. I think sometimes some things may be good for us (like possibly setting boundaries,or not contacting them, or etc) but it just has to be apart of our own journey to get a point to be able to do that. I even think about H regarding this. Yes, he needed the brain scan, therapy, and this surgery, and no matter how much I told him this would be good for him, he had to get there and realize it himself. (not to say what you are doing right now is wrong, just that it's all about timing, and at some point, you may be ready to move on completely, or to put up a boundary about no communication except regarding S, or even D, but that time is not now, b/c it doesn't feel right to you at this time). This is coming out a little convoluted, but I think you know what I mean. Just don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing great!