Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need help Busting Affair.

He's made statements to that effect before and I've always tried to defend myself by trying to get through to him that regardless of what happens to us he shouldn't treat DD this way. This time, I tried to not react.

OK, you have part of it...

You can't negotiate or reason with an addict no...

But you CAN keep hitting him with something that will over time in some cases.. the guilt is an emotion and it IS there in most of these people, they just bury it in excitement and sleaze so its hard to find...

What you are doing wrong is expecting an intelligent response..

Just state the truth, factually, and WALK AWAY or HANG UP

Don't expect an immediate repsonse... He's an addict.. THAT is the part you need to correct...

Just state the facts and exit... dont' reason, don't negotiate, just state the facts :


Infidelity HARMS the ENTIRE FAMILY - you are a terrible father and an abusive husband


and HANG UP

KEEP DOING That.. OVER and oVER and OVER again..

You can get through to him Elvencat, but gradually over time with hard hitting facts.. it chips away at the wall... you keep expecting something you say will just knock him over and light up again.. it done'st work that way...

You are right, I keep expecting my intelligent H to make the connection. I saw the list you posted for Quicksilver about how an addict behaves. I am trying to take that to heart and remember to not expect a little lightbulb to suddenly pop up above his head when I'm speaking to him.

On the plus side, I've found a local marital therapist (who, funny enough, has a PhD and teaches at the same university as OW) who believes that one person in the marriage CAN make a difference, but that self-development is the most important aspect regardless of what the eventual outcome of the marriage is. I thought it sounded like he was reading me a synopsis of Divorce Busting as he told me his approach. And the best part is, he's affordable. He only takes clients one day a week and will only take on certain cases like mine because he feels so strongly that repairing marriage is the way to go when at all possible. He welcomes H if H decides to join me, but is more than willing to work with me one on one.

Sounds excellent.. I suggest you start going to set an adult example for your H... he isnt' gonig to act like an adult if he doenst see one... and you going to therapy will show him this is the adult thing to do...

My advice is to get the therapist to write an invite to him on teh back of his business card by hand and by name :


Hi Mr Elvencat, I would very much like to help you explore resolving conflicts with your wife. I would meet you individually first of course. Give me a call any time you like to setup an appointment.

I wish you all the best in your marriage and your lovely family

Dr Affair-Buster


Something like that.. .of course, the pro would know better than i, but my advice is to get something like that.

Do NOT hand it to your husband, put it on a table and let him know its there and wait for HIM to pick it up, he needs to feel like he's making his choices teh whole ride... if you hold it out to him he's going to feel ilke you are pushing it on him...

But you go and set an example...

There is a good vid I put up in quicksilver's thread too.. i may have shared with you already.. its worth watching and sharing with yoru exposure group

AND if this guy does work at the uni he may be able to give you some insight on exposing there too...

There is some debate about exposure and addiction regarding infidelity...

SOme argue yes and others reccomend a softer approach... I favour the hardball route myself, I have myself and I have also seen others here try the softball route go on for two years or more and result in pain and depression...

I am pretty high exposure and endorse that heavilly... it will be interesting what this professional says...

I hope he has read Glass, Harley, and Tupy, they are experts in the field of infidelity

I'm making an appt for next Thursday, it's his only office day due to his teaching schedule. So I'll see how the first appt goes and pass on the info. I've also thought of the exposure aspect and him working for the same universit so I will definitely be interested in what he has to say.

Other interesting info - I asked H for the last name of his counselor because I only knew her first name. H told me then asked why. I used it as an opportunity to tell him that I was making an appointment with a marital therapist for myself and that he had an associate with the same first name and I wanted to make sure it wasn't the same person. H seemed surprised that I was actually going through with contacting a marital therapist.

I also like the idea of the personal invite and leaving it for H to decide to pick up or not. H would probably try to say it's passive agressive of me, but I believe, like you, that he needs to feel it's his choice.

HOw is you inviting him to marital therapy passive AGGRESSIVE?

Just tell him this :

Cheating on your wife and daughter my dear, is passive aggressive... NOT seeing a therapist to clean up the mess you've made.... nice try

I've thought this and there have been several times he has called me passive aggressive over different things when he's the one acting this way. (I honestly think it's some sort of transferance or something because I definitely haven't been passive.) If he makes this comment about leaving the invite from the therapist for him to see and decide on his own to accept it or not, this comment is definitely in my script now.

Talking About Divorce May Stop The Divorce

I just found this article and it's everything I've wanted to say to my husband, but I know I can't show it to him because he doesn't want to hear it. Why do these articles get written when they just end up preaching to the choir? It's so frustrating.