I spoke to our "neutral" MC today to tell her that I don't want to be in T with my W at this time because all I think we will do is argue our points and not listen to each other. The T said that was a "wise" decision because as we said to the T in the one session we had: I want to work on the M, and my W said she does not want to work on the M. So what would we accomplish?
I feel the stress growing in me because I am not sure that walking away from T is the best decision. It seems right only because it doesn't allow my W to push her agenda and be vocal about it. There is no forum for us to discuss our issues because we avoid them at home. I feel like all I have now is the DR book and my own will power, and it's a little daunting. My W seems a little confused by me walking away from T, and even a bit bothered by it because she said she doesn't want to work on the M and I reacted by killing T.
One of the first things my DB coach said to me was that I should get out of it -- good idea, bad timing. So I followed her directive. And I also don't think this T could help us anyway.
This morning I took my shower and came downstairs to see the kids playing in this giant, 12' X 12' fan-inflated bouncy house blow-up we have in our living room. I ran through the kitchen all dressed for work and dove in and grabbed my kids and began playing with them. The W saw and looked happy that the kids were having so much fun with me. After about 15 min. I got out and left for work.
My W seems a little confused by me walking away from T, and even a bit bothered by it because she said she doesn't want to work on the M and I reacted by killing T.
She doesn't want to work on the M so you cancelled T and she is confused and bothered. Amazing what happens when you agree with a WAS and drop the rope. poof there goes the tension.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
In addition, this T is a psychotherapist (ugh). They delve into feelings and history and all kinds of stuff that is not focused on solutions. I wish there was a T who would listen to both sides and then TAKE a side and tell the familywrecker that no, their feelings are NOT justified! Wake up!
My W confusingly asked, "Well, are you going to reschedule?" I said, "I don't know. This T doesn't seem to have much time in her schedule for us." And I left it at that. My W is probably thinking, "What the hell is he doing? He drags me into T and then walks away from it after one session."
But like you said, Coach, I dropped the rope. I am not going to hang myself.
You did a big 180 and it did the job by shocking your W. Now she wonders if you may be ready to call it quits. Be prepared for her asking some questions about that. Don't discuss the R at this time. That does not work. Both of you are acting out of emotions, so don't get into a R discussion or about the future, etc. Play it cool and give vague answers so that she will still wonder what you are going to do.
You seem to have the idea of dropping the rope down pretty good. I tried to put it in some type of "picture" hoping it would help somebody. Here's the link to that post if you're interested.
My W asked me again this morning, "Did you ever call that crazy woman [therapist] back/" I said, "No I haven't." That's all I said. I didn't want to get into any R discussion about why. I really don't want to see another psychotherapist -- the emphasis on "psycho."
Today is T day. I see my personal T and then I DB later this afternoon. The W sees her monster/T and I need to prepare for a response from her re: the dumping of the T. Her T obviously convinced my W to agree to see a MC (only so that she could state her unwillingness to work on the M), and now I responed by nixing the T. So, it's her move. I expect something.
Last night while I was sitting in our home office with the door shut on the computer, I heard my W coming up the stairs to go to bed. She usually feeds the cat and then contiues to our/her bedroom. She pushed the office door in to tell me (in a joking way) that the cat was farting and she expected him to "explode" in the cat box later (BTW, I sleep in the same room as the cat box). She sorta giggled about it and I said, "Oh, grrreat. I am really looking forward to that!" And then she left.
I sorta felt a little bit like I was pursued. She came in to say something silly. She didn't have to. She could have gone straight up to bed. We at least ended the night with a little laugh.
My W texted me and said she wants to talk to me tonight about something important that she needs to discuss.
I need to prepare!!!
She is going to say something about the fact that I canceled MC and now she is not getting her way and she can't "live" like this. I almost don't know how to react....
She is going to say something about the fact that I canceled MC and now she is not getting her way and she can't "live" like this. I almost don't know how to react....
Don't mind read.
Validate her feelings, really listen, don't let her think/feel/believe for you (mind read), let her pursue you, you don't have to come to any conclusions right now, don't pick the rope back up.
If she brings up the MC just say, "You are right. This marriage isn't working for me either. I have some decisions to make about what is best for me."
As long as she can keep you afraid of the divorce she has the control, once you agree with the D she won't know how to react. Make sense?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, my W asked to talk last night but never instigated a conversation about whatever was on her mind. I don't really know why, perhaps she was waiting for me to approach her about it or she was just too tired, or she got cold feet. But the 800 lb. gorilla in the room just gained 100 lbs. because now we have this hanging in the air.
I came home last night and she was there with the babysitter and my two boys came running over to me shouting, "Hi, Dad!" (they're 2) and I grabbed them both and hugged and kissed them like crazy. My W was watching with the caretaker and smiling. Our routine was normal: we played with the boys, fed them before bed and I didn't sense any great stress from the W.
After the boys were sleeping she sat on the couch and watched her TV shows that she recorded during the day. Was I supposed to chase her down and ask what she wanted to talk about? Perhaps. I ran out to pick up a Chinese soup (I offered, she thought about it and didn't get anything to eat) and was back in about 20 min.
I sat in our kitchen watching TV and eating my soup. She never said a word to me. I sat there wating for her to initiate the conversation since I figured it was what she wanted to do. She never did. She passed through the kitchen, grabbed a can of cat food to feed the cat and went to bed.
This morning it was like nothing ever happened. She was in good spirits, we gave the boys breakfast and took them outside to play. She didn't seem angry or stressed out that we didn't talk. The reality is that my W is a good actress in front of the kids. I don't know how she does it sometimes. She can let go of all hostility and act like there is nothing going on.
I am not sure how much to blame myself for not putting myself in front of her to talk. I rationalized and took the easy way out by doing nothing, but putting myself at an arms length for her to start a conversation. It just never happened.
As long as she can keep you afraid of the divorce she has the control, once you agree with the D she won't know how to react. Make sense?
This sorta makes sense. I understand that by dropping the rope she will feel like she just won a major battle (maybe not the war), but when you say she won't know how to react, that's where I am a bit perplexed. I feel like she's going to feel that I finally conceded. Now she can get what she wants and move forward with the S. I also figure that's the path I will have to take to open up the conversation and release the tension. Conversations about reconciliation are not happening. I feel that I may have to agree to a trial S to get us talking more openly even though it will be only about the kids. I don't know...this is all so confusing...
The 800 pound gorilla isn't really there unless you let it be. If she wants to talk then be available but ler her come to you. Her silence is her problem. You playing and loving on your kids is how you create emotional connection without talking.
She will be attracted to you if you ignore the gorilla and keep being loving, interesting, fun, and confident.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
