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It's not negative insight: the pattern they are locked in right now is negative and unhealthy.

Dday, you should know having gone through this yourself how hard these patterns of communication and emotional abuse are to break.

2x4's taken, TimeHeals. Understand your point. What she said was "I need to do this for me (meaning herself)"

dd:
Thanks. I have been following your advise as much as possible. Would you be so kind as to elaborate here? I could definately use your insight.

This is true, but to touch on how you point that I've gone through this and should know, the man is hurting enough and doesn't need his W blasted all over the boards. Obviously, her mind is not in a stable place, but she didn't get there alone, she had the help of the man who loves her and his compassion in that is what disallows him to seperate himself from her during this crisis that she must deal with.

Does it make what she's done and doing right? No. However, as I have gone through this, and so has my (x)W, I have her insight to know that it is her conscience that is making her waffle as such, she just doesn't see any other way at the moment. And it will be that very same conscience that will finally bring clarity for her.

I agree on this, and it is sad that it has come to this.



I am definitely not trying to amplify his hurt. I am hoping to help him see how it looks to an outsider (and I understand his attachment) so that maybe it helps him break out of this negative cycle they are BOTH locked into.

One way or another, they both need to let this go.

Something is really bothering me about AC's wife here. Is she really stable? I mean... if she's all full of self woe and mentally a wreck, (and FWIW I'm not entirely sure it's an "act" or that she is meaning to be manipulative)... would a mediator not see that?

I'm not in your country... I'm slightly north... *smile* how does mediation work there? Is it simply hammering out assets etc, or is there any room for going... well ya know folks... you two need help, not a divorce??? Ask your lawyer if you can delay this because of what you think is her mental state/capabilities. It's worth a shot.

As for knowing when... "when you know you'll be ok". Oddly enough, I'd add, that I think it's also when you decide to take control. Control in either deciding to work out a plan and stick to it, regardless if you're successful or not or simply go: Enough.

That control is empowering in so many ways. I still say kick her out,... however it seems weird... some of what she's saying to you just ISN'T making any sense. She does seem LOST... totally wacked in the head. Good news is that at some point she'll get better... bad news is right now... it's not going to happen over night.

Shift your focus away from her, and to your self.

*hugs*
Abbey

And THAT is the point I'm trying to convey. My (x)W acted in quite a bit of the same ways AC's is. All the years of keeping problems bottled up and within, and enduring it all just became too much and wasn't in control. She lost sight of her own contributions to the problems in the marriage, but was so miserable that in her mind, "it is all his fault" and in thinking so, set out to desotry me, yet at the same time, a little voice wouldn't stop reminding her that she did in fact still love me, but saw no other way and it drove her insane. And those are the words straight out of the mouth of a returned WAW.

On the mediation issue....

Both of our lawyers wanted us to go to mediation. My lawyer obviously knew the D is not what I wanted as well as hers sensed the same out of (x)W, hell I think I talked more in the hallway with her lawyer than mine. Here, if the mediator detects an underlying doubt, it is refered to the court and marriage counseling is in order (especially where un-emancipated children are involved). I folded my cards and threw the towel in a week before the mediation was set to begin at the request of our kids (second session would have involved them).

Headed home today. Going to be an interesting reunion, I think. W has a L appt for us Friday morning, not to waste anytime.

I think the parallels between dd's experience and my current sitch are quite strong. W is focused on the D, so I really have no choice but to let her do what she needs to do. I am going to be there for her as much as I can without destroying myself. She is totally paranoid about my returning, as her anxiety is going through the roof anticipating it. I need to be strong throught this. It is going to be excrutiatingly painful.

You can do this AC. You need to believe in yourself right now. Remember other times in your life when you needed to be strong and work through a crisis...draw on those same attributes..I promise you they're still there. Take care. PG.

Got home this morning. Interesting talk with my W, who was staying in the house while I was gone. Tears started immediately, lamenting the death of of marriage, details about my 5 year old PA, and so on. Good conversation, however. she spent much of the last 3 weeks overmedicated and listless, but now has a handle on the med level.

Interesting she called the OM within 5 minutes of leaving the house.

W wants to talk to me, likes to talk to me, felt good about sitting with me this morning. However, she cannot handle the emotional anxiety of seeing me all day, so is moving into a cheap hotel for the next five days until she leaves on a trip.

I am trying to be detached, and trying to be there for her at the same time. She wants to spend time together in the next 5 days, just doesn't want to see me 24/7. She wants to have b'fast, dinner, other things.

Her IC tells her most women in her sitch are angry and stoic. She is weepy, sad, confused, hurting. (yeah, I thought, I can understand THAT from my POV)

I don't know what to believe: a woman conflicted over wanting a D with the loss of friends, family, etc., or a deceiptful spouse who is emotionally tied up with married OM, and is leaning on him hard core for support. The former suggests I be patient, the latter suggests I should kick her out and move on immmediately.

We see a L for mediation tomorrow, and I sign the joint agreement to D. Saw my L today, who tells me there is no legal reason not to sign jointly. So the process starts tomorrow.

Who says somebody who wants a divorce can't be weepy and going through their own version of grief?

This is why relationships that start in affairs rarely pan out well. She's in that R and still has huge amounts of baggage from this R, and one day--if things go the way she is planning now--she is going to wake up and realize the only thing that drew her to the OM was the problems in your R, and that's going to be gone, so what is going to be the new glue to hold them together.

Right now the problems between you and she are the only thing keeping them together based on the way you describe things.